What to do now?

 January 21, 2022

It has been a very long time since i wrote in here. I don't know what to put in here. I've moved into my own place, been very self sufficient until recently. My boyfriend is in wheelchair, and on oxygen. I have diabetes type 2. I love downstairs from where I originally lived in this apartment building. I can't make rent, I'm close to just losing it. I can't lose it though.

I'm reading a book where the main character has nanobots in his blood, and can heal any wound. He is basically immortal. I Wish I was. It would be one of three wishes if genies in bottles were a thing.

I dunno. I just figured I should write in here since it has been so long.

What to do now?

I have plenty of games. Movies, music, Netflix, Paramount+, Bloody hell what should I do? Choice paralysis. That's what it is called. 

Meow.

Kitten of Doom

Hey there! I'm Ezekieal. Or Zeke. Ezek. Doomy. Kitten of Doom. I'm that little person Ghostie talks about so much! ^.^

Hmm....I am not sure what to say here. He hasn't let me do this before. So, I will start with the basics I guess. 

I'm a catling. I look like a younger version of his character in FFXIV. Now add white wings. But, I'm a lot older than every one thinks. But, I won't say how old. You wouldn't believe me. I'm also an Archmage. But I suppose you want to know how I came about, how I was created, imagined up, yes? Ok.

I was separated from Ghostie when he was nine years old. I was taken from him. I remained quiet, and hidden, until he came upon Neverwinter Nights. He went online there, and joined a server called Phoenix Rising. He tried to portray himself into this server, but that didn't quite go to well. He was too serious, mistrusting of people, and the like. Then, he 'imagined' me up, made me a short little kid, it seems like. He has always had a fondness of having a tail, and cat ears, so I got them. Short cherubic catling. People often mistook the Ezekieal character as a kid. Which is understandable, beings as I love having fun, playing pranks, and the like. :D

Over time, he began using less of his character, and using more of mine. Of me. Letting me come out, per se. After a while, he tried to bottle me back up. To kill off the Zeke in Phoenix Rising. The entire population of that server wouldn't let him. They loved Ezekieal so much, that private message after private message asked and begged to not kill that character off. At that point, I was let out for good. It wasn't very often he would get back on his character. I was his outlet. I am, what he should have been.

He has been told a lot, that people are attracted to him for no apparent reason. That there is just something about him, something small, that they want to be his friend. He has no idea why. He just knows that these people want to be his friend, and get to know him better. It may be that I am his guardian angel. His inner voice. Conscience. Personally, I don't believe that. We are all each our own person, and not someone else's voice of reason. Ghostie hasn't had the easiest of childhoods. Sometimes he blames himself for it. Other times, he blames his family. And still other times, he blames the powers that be. But the thing is, he wouldn't be him, if it weren't for all of the hardship. He KNOWS what it's like to go without. To be hungry.

He had a dream once, a while ago. He saw himself, as if I wasn't taken from him. He was doing his laundry at a friends apartment, but he had wings of white. Like an Angel. Through this dream, he always had them. He tried putting on a shirt, but the wings prevented that. Since then, he has felt the wings on his back. Always there. Am I joining with him? No. I, too, have wings of white.

I need to go now, but I'm around. I'm sure there will be questions, so ask Ghostie, and I will see them. Until next time, Bye!

~Ezekieal
The Kitten of Doom

Update...

I've not written in here in a long time. I kept putting it off, since I knew that when I went to this site, the blog about my moms death would be prevalent. In front. Like "*SLAP* Here i am Bitch!!" And it was. I read through it a few minutes ago, and tears welled up in my eyes. I remembered that one image. My mom laying on the bed, sleeping. I walked into the room, and she sat up, like she knew I was there. I sat there, that first day, and spoke to her. I knew she could understand me on some level. I went there, James was there as well. We saw the bruises, and were pretty concerned. I asked a lot of questions, about the bruises, the way she was treated. I came to the conclusion that she was treated a lot better than I had thought. It still pained me though. I saw her every day I was there, except one. I needed a ... recovery time....from seeing her like that. I am unable to ask her questions of my past now. She knows though. She knows that what happened to me way back when scarred me. A lot more than I thought.

During my session today, we focused on the memory of me being molested/raped. Of how it made me feel, back then, and even now. Weak. This is what happens to weak people. They get taken advantage of in horrible ways. For the first time, in what I believe to be a very long time, I let myself FEEL the emotions that come with being raped and molested. I was nine years old. It was saddening, that a grown man would take away a child's life. To literally rob him of his innocence. As I sat in the chair and thought about it, I mean truly thought about it, I cried about it for the first time in a few decades. I was also angry. Probably more than I thought. Like, How DARE him do that to me? What made him so special that he got to take that away from me? Why did he do it to me? I don't get to get answers to these questions. I've always been one to turn off emotion, and become logical when it comes to dealing with these memories. I didn't get to do that today. I was being asked very specific questions, and I couldn't avoid the answers that came into my head.

I don't get to ask my mom why she didn't believe me when I told her what was going on. She now knows that I wanted to ask her. I hope one day I get an answer, be it a note scrawled on a small piece of paper, or when I meet my maker. Its one of the things that has bothered me for a very long time, and planted the seed of my trust issue. Of the fact I need to be listened to, or it makes me feel pretty unimportant. Uninvolved. Like I don't matter. Regardless of what those around me say, I still get those feelings.

Especially when my dad reinforced those thoughts when I was 12. When I was molested, again, by my step brother. Twelve years old, I was playing a game on my brothers Sega system. Golden Axe. Everyone had went to Raley's to get dinner groceries. He stayed behind to babysit me, as I wanted to play the game. He was wearing blue and black spandex shorts, I was wearing a pair of jeans, a tshirt, and I believe my sweatshirt. After everyone came home, I immediately told my dad. He didn't have the reaction I was expecting. He called in my step mom, and then, without hearing anything, I was labeled as a liar. My dad didn't believe me either. So he told me that I was a liar, I was turning into my mom, trying to get him in trouble. So I never told anyone about the third time it happened.

I didn't tell my dad about the time at the pool at Camp'N'Town. That day me and Meghan went to the pool. Of course the same step brother offered to take us. I felt in my bones the reason why. My shorts being pulled down in the pool, and him entering me. He then tried to with Meghan. I am not sure how she handled it, but he didn't get a chance. I told no one about that for years. Only Meghan knew about it. The first two times, planted, then confirmed the seed that I wasn't important enough to be heard. That I was just some brat kid trying to cause trouble. That I deserved those things that had happened to me.

These things lead to a life of not being able to trust. To always have a suspicion of motives. To think that, for the longest time, I was not worthy of being important. Yea, I had friends who said I was. I've had friends who had told me, or Ezekieal, "You have the personality larger than a dragon. You're one of the smallest and shortest people I have met, yet your personality is too large to fit into the biggest dragons in the land." as well as "One can not simply describe the being Ezekieal. One must experience him, as words alone will do a serious understatement to all that is him."

This being, Ezekieal. Short, white winged, cat ears and a tail. One of the most developed Personalities I have ever done. He is quick to trust. Would help people without expecting anything in return. He gave to the less fortunate. Always the first one to smile, even though he may be having a horrible day himself. "One can not get into a better mood, without the igniting smile. I always smile first, when I'm feeling down, that way my experience with the other person will go always in a positive direction." He was so selfless. So much at peace. This is what I could have become, I feel, if I was listened when I was that nine year old boy. That twelve year old pre-teen.

Instead, While yes, I can still be him, I can not replace him. I can not become him, fully. I will always have an innate mistrust of people around me. I will always hesitate to help, however slight. Ezekieal will remain with me, as a side of me that could have been, instead of I Am.

I still love my parents, those present and those with their maker. Would do almost anything for my dad. But the seed that my mother planted, he watered. That is something I don't think I will be able to forget.

I got my job back with the state. Making those numbers once more. I was surprised at how big of a support system I have there. I didn't realize it until I returned. My Captain, the one whom I told, and started this. Another officer, and several others. I'm back to making money thanks to them. I am even saving money to move into a house now. Kinda tired of living in a condo place. Half the time, theres no where to park. Drives me insane.

As for Ezekieal, I will let him write one day soon.

August 28th, 2014 at 7:08pm PTD

On this day, at this time, my mother passed away in her sleep. My little brother and sister were there in person, while me and Meghan were on the phone. I knew it was coming. I felt it for a few days since I've been back from visiting her, and the rest of my family. It made it no less easier. Anna, she was bawling like a baby when she walked into the room. She has always been pretty emotional, from sadness, to utter rage. James, he tried keeping it back, but he didn't succeed. He too, was crying. Like he said "Fuck it. If I'm allowed to cry just once, this is the time. So fuck you world." He's always tried to keep his feelings in check. Meghan, she was quiet. Though, she KNEW the moment mom passed. She muted her phone, sniffled. Then she looked up, sighed, and said "Goodbye mom. Go on your next adventure. I'll see you there. I love you."

Me, I always thought I was gonna be a basket case when this happened. I wasn't though. I held it together. Spike came down and hugged me. That felt good, but it was kinda awkward. But that's OK. I know he is here in case I need him. Along with Charles. I know I have to let it all out at some point. I don't know when that will be though. I do know I was unable to say what I wanted to when she was passing. I will say it here.

Mom, go ahead and go to Him. He is waiting for you with open arms. You will not be in pain, and you will no longer need to struggle with this world, for you will be in His Kingdom. Go now. Sleep. Do not worry about us. Goodbye mom. I love you. May you Rest In Peace. 

I couldn't get those words out. I couldn't speak. My voice caught in my throat. That instant is frozen in time in my mind. The emotions, guilt and sadness are the biggest ones. I couldn't be there when she passed. No, I can't help that in the least. Not one bit, and i do know its not my fault. But still. And of course, sadness, because she is no longer with us.

Gotta think on the bright side though, right? That bone spur on the ball of her foot, no longer there. Her mind is intact. She can walk around once more. She can laugh, and cry if she wanted to. Though, I don't think He would let her cry. She can do everything she once did. No more pain. She's probably arguing with Him now, trying to haunt me and my siblings.

I know she is in a better place. I still want her here though. I've been jealous of everyone who has a mom. Spike, Charles, Des, Felix. I envy them. I can no longer say "My mom is in a nursing home." I can't say that anymore. I have to say, if the person was worthy enough to know, "My mom passed .... (inserttimeframehere)."

I don't know how to deal with this. This is something so new to me. Unknown territory here. Like, the woman that gave me life. Gave birth to me. She is gone now. I think my brain is still processing that. Cause I've kind just kept going. It seems like I'm saying to myself: "Can't stop for this. You knew it was gonna happen. Well it did. Gotta keep going, can't stop."

I do know that I will deal with it in my own way. And I know it will be soon, this blog being part of that. Goodbye mom. I love you. And don't hide my keys on me. You can do everything else, except that.

Words....

When I went to Nevada to visit family, I did it on a whim. Spontaneous. I decided that I had enough funds to drive there, and drive back. And I was right. I cut it close, but I did make it. I spent about $550. I was able to visit my lil bro, my dad, and my mom.

I really enjoyed doing those things. I went to Peterson Peak, north of Verdi NV, to the crystal mine, and dug up some crystals. Got some clear ones, a couple of points. But that wasn't the important part. That isn't what mattered. I spent time with my dad, something I haven't done in a very long time. We spent time at the house as well. I kinda pretended I was that 8 year old, who loved to poke his dad in the ribs. They were all very accepting of my boyfriend, Charles. They gave us some home made stew to eat as well. Which is very good.

I visited my mom the first day I was there. She was laying in her bed, which they had to make special, so she wouldn't fall out of it. She has a bone spur, on the ball of her foot, which prevents her from walking. So she is in a wheelchair. She didn't recognize me, but she did respond to me calling her "mom". She turned her head and said "What?" That's as far as her recognition went. She was bruised up too. From all the times she has fallen, or tried to get out of bed. I sat with her, helping her up when she wanted to sit up. Holding her, laying her back down. She started crying too. She was so frustrated, that her mind couldn't make sense of anything.

She also has to be hand fed, as her hand-eye coordination isn't the best. She eats everything though. Shes still pretty strong...I hope she lives for a while still, but I don't think she will....why does this happen? Why does this BUG...this THING.... take peoples minds? Ya, my mom was a manipulative and selfish woman. She did many things to many people. Is this her punishment? I hope not. No one deserves this. Not even the people who molested me. Almost, but no. This is so wrong. Not being able to recognize your own family is wrong. She is alone there. No one can get to her to visit. Did she really deserve this? Truly? I don't know what I will do if she passes....

Animals...

You know, I've had my cat for a while now. Longer than I've owned any pet, really. She is the most loving feline I know. She sits on my chest at night when I go to bed, puts her paw on my lips, like she is saying "...No words...". And then she looks at me. She looks eye to eye at me. And the love she has for me is amazing. I rarely see that in eyes. Yea, I see it in my boyfriends eyes, but somehow its different when I see it in Spazs' eyes. Its like she wants to be a human, or me to be a cat. Thats what I get from it.

Animals can sense how a person is. Whether they are good or not. Dogs do this all of the time. Cats too, but lets often than dogs. Dogs KNOW if a person or thing is bad. They bark at it, growl, glare, what whatnot, trying to warn others at the evil feeling. Most people brush this off as "the dog is misbehaving." or "Shes just playing." No. She is not. When an animal will not go near a person or place, PAY ATTENTION. They know more than we do. When your dog growls at one of your friends, and it doesn't pass within a couple of minutes, question why. Your dog is trying to tell you something. So listen. An old saying is very true: "If my dog doesn't trust you, neither to I."

They won't lie to you. Your animal friend, Dog, cat, ferret, whatever, will not lie to you. They are your best friends. If you treat them right, they will remain with you for years. They won't judge you, or make fun of you. They won't be a smart ass (Well, cats might be one... XP) and they won't take you for granted. They will love you unconditionally. They will try to protect you. They KNOW when you're feeling down, even when you do not. And they will try to comfort you. I've slept with Spaz in my arms a few times. She didn't care. She came up, laid next to me, looked at me, and then we both fell asleep. Shes comforted me, and has been an escape from reality for a few moments many times.

People don't understand animals. They claim to, but then they mistreat them. I can't stand the thought of mistreating my cat. I've never hit her, or been mean to her. In return, she comforts my depression, and brings a smile to my face when I play with her.

The joys of being a cat owner ^_^ mew

Resiliance and willpower....

I'm sitting here listening to a new mix by OnlyChillstep...

Only Chillstep Selection #30

I'm noticed something about myself. Nothing really new, or anything like that. See, earlier today, I skinned my knee. My ankle gave out and I flopped about, arms flailing as I tried to regain my balance. It ended up with my knee getting skinned, and my ankle hurting a bit. Nothing huge, but I have a barely noticeable limp. But I got up, swore at my ankle and knee, and continued to walk home. This is life.

My sister had said that when life suddenly becomes hard, you have leveled up. I've always continued forwards, because I know that if I stop, and say screw it, I wouldn't be me any longer. I always move on, even when faced with difficult times ahead of me. I always keep an optimistic outlook as well. A friend of mine, Albert, had told me that I taught him how to do that. To look at the bright side of things. Even when someone dies. I'm not sure how I do this, but I've seen myself do this a lot. Even when something horrible happens, such as getting separated from a $3,500/mo job. I've seen around me, my friends, always look at the bad side of things.

If we always look at the bad side of things, we would not see the good side. For example. Yes, right now I have no teeth in my mouth. Gums are still pretty tender, and painful. I can eat soft things right now. In a few weeks, I won't have ANY pain, and I will be able to use my dentures to eat hard things. I will be pain free in my mouth, something I've not experienced in a long time. Yes, I live in a different state than my mother. Shes alone in a nursing home, and her mind isn't the greatest. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But she is getting the care she needs. I talked to her head nurse, and she told me that shes having a nice time there. She gets up and dances with the head nurse, listening to music. She is HAPPY. She deserves to be happy, given her life. Yes, she wasn't the best woman. Manipulative, and yes, she lied to people. I don't condone that. I hate liars, and shes the main reason why. But you know, she did it for her kids. Her kids were her first priority in life. And they turned out OK.

I was resilient and moved on when that happened. I went back into my apartment, and sobbed for about 20min. Then I got ready to come to Colorado Springs. I pushed through that most difficult time, and everything turned out OK. If we don't push on, move forwards, then we lose who we are. Regardless of who is around. I've done this a lot, and I've been told that I have a rather strong will. An uncanny ability to see the good sides of all situations.

Maybe that is what I'm supposed to do...be the light when everyone sees dark... :)