On this day, at this time, my mother passed away in her sleep. My little brother and sister were there in person, while me and Meghan were on the phone. I knew it was coming. I felt it for a few days since I've been back from visiting her, and the rest of my family. It made it no less easier. Anna, she was bawling like a baby when she walked into the room. She has always been pretty emotional, from sadness, to utter rage. James, he tried keeping it back, but he didn't succeed. He too, was crying. Like he said "Fuck it. If I'm allowed to cry just once, this is the time. So fuck you world." He's always tried to keep his feelings in check. Meghan, she was quiet. Though, she KNEW the moment mom passed. She muted her phone, sniffled. Then she looked up, sighed, and said "Goodbye mom. Go on your next adventure. I'll see you there. I love you."
Me, I always thought I was gonna be a basket case when this happened. I wasn't though. I held it together. Spike came down and hugged me. That felt good, but it was kinda awkward. But that's OK. I know he is here in case I need him. Along with Charles. I know I have to let it all out at some point. I don't know when that will be though. I do know I was unable to say what I wanted to when she was passing. I will say it here.
Mom, go ahead and go to Him. He is waiting for you with open arms. You will not be in pain, and you will no longer need to struggle with this world, for you will be in His Kingdom. Go now. Sleep. Do not worry about us. Goodbye mom. I love you. May you Rest In Peace.
I couldn't get those words out. I couldn't speak. My voice caught in my throat. That instant is frozen in time in my mind. The emotions, guilt and sadness are the biggest ones. I couldn't be there when she passed. No, I can't help that in the least. Not one bit, and i do know its not my fault. But still. And of course, sadness, because she is no longer with us.
Gotta think on the bright side though, right? That bone spur on the ball of her foot, no longer there. Her mind is intact. She can walk around once more. She can laugh, and cry if she wanted to. Though, I don't think He would let her cry. She can do everything she once did. No more pain. She's probably arguing with Him now, trying to haunt me and my siblings.
I know she is in a better place. I still want her here though. I've been jealous of everyone who has a mom. Spike, Charles, Des, Felix. I envy them. I can no longer say "My mom is in a nursing home." I can't say that anymore. I have to say, if the person was worthy enough to know, "My mom passed .... (inserttimeframehere)."
I don't know how to deal with this. This is something so new to me. Unknown territory here. Like, the woman that gave me life. Gave birth to me. She is gone now. I think my brain is still processing that. Cause I've kind just kept going. It seems like I'm saying to myself: "Can't stop for this. You knew it was gonna happen. Well it did. Gotta keep going, can't stop."
I do know that I will deal with it in my own way. And I know it will be soon, this blog being part of that. Goodbye mom. I love you. And don't hide my keys on me. You can do everything else, except that.
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