On that date, in the title of this blog post, at 10:30ish am, I had to put my mother in a car. The legal guardian came to my house, and stated that it was time. My mom, listening to Yanni on my PS3, didn't really know what was going on. She continued to dance and whatnot, until i turned down the TV. She looked at me, and asked why I was doing that. Before I could answer, she went and got a cup of coffee. She made it up, and i looked at the guardian. She saw the pain in my eyes, but I covered it up with a smile as my mom came over. She smiled too, and we danced for a minute while the guardian took her luggage with clothes and some books to her car. I hugged my mother, and took her slowly down to the car. She didn't realize what was going on, until she was getting into it, and she started crying. The last image of that day, was of my mother crying, while the guardian drove slowly away. To this day, I've only cried once about it, and that was after it happened. This past Friday, I remembered what that day was, and how one year ago, my mother went into a home. I don't know how to deal with it.
How should I? The state took my mother away from me. She was happy where she was, cause she had Yanni, and a familiar face. I was doing my hardest to take care of her, and it was working. Even her workers noticed. Even the guardian stated that she seems to be perfectly happy with me. And yet, she was still moved.
When i went back to Nevada in April of 2012, and visited her, every time I left, she cried. Even though I was telling her I was going to the bathroom, she knew I wasn't. She wanted to go home. The last time I saw her, she was at the window at the end of a short hallway, banging on it, sobbing, because she didn't want to be there. She KNEW where she was, even if her mind was deteriorating. Even when I dropped her off at the place the first time and she slapped me, before all of that happened, I died a little inside. I felt so helpless, and so alone. Even though I had friends in Second Life. Even a boyfriend. I still felt very alone. No one was around to tell me "Everything will be ok." and mean it. I know my friends in Second Life did. And they did it often. But it is a lot better taken to heart when its done face to face. They all meant well, but they still weren't there in person to say it.
I'm losing my mother to Alzheimer's Disease. She didn't recognize her oldest daughter, but she did recognize her daughters friend. Every time I call her, she asks if she can go home. She doesn't understand that I no longer live in the state...
1 year, 3 days, 3hrs, 30min ago, my mom went into a home. I still feel damned helpless, that I can come up with ways to keep the house above ground. All bills getting paid, food, and all that. Yet, I can't help my mom against this disease. I wish I was able to. Even if she was still small and slightly hunched, if she still at her wits about her, I wouldn't care. But theres nothing I'm able to do about it.
I wish I could show her my fur suit. I want to show her that fuzzy Siamese cat that I have become. I wonder what she would do. Would she tilt her head and ask "What the fuck?" or would she come over and hug me? Maybe, she would dance with me, like we used to do way back when. I want to show her, but I can not, because i don't have the funds to get out there. I wish I did. I'd love to show her, and the rest. But that will have to wait for another time I guess. I just wish I could help her.
Maybe I will go show the rest of Colorado Springs my fur suit. Maybe this weekend if it is nice. I do want to get pictures of me in it, to send to my sister Meghan to show my mom. So hopefully, I can do that before the week is out.
Sorry mom, I can't help you. :(
