On this day, at this time, my mother passed away in her sleep. My little brother and sister were there in person, while me and Meghan were on the phone. I knew it was coming. I felt it for a few days since I've been back from visiting her, and the rest of my family. It made it no less easier. Anna, she was bawling like a baby when she walked into the room. She has always been pretty emotional, from sadness, to utter rage. James, he tried keeping it back, but he didn't succeed. He too, was crying. Like he said "Fuck it. If I'm allowed to cry just once, this is the time. So fuck you world." He's always tried to keep his feelings in check. Meghan, she was quiet. Though, she KNEW the moment mom passed. She muted her phone, sniffled. Then she looked up, sighed, and said "Goodbye mom. Go on your next adventure. I'll see you there. I love you."
Me, I always thought I was gonna be a basket case when this happened. I wasn't though. I held it together. Spike came down and hugged me. That felt good, but it was kinda awkward. But that's OK. I know he is here in case I need him. Along with Charles. I know I have to let it all out at some point. I don't know when that will be though. I do know I was unable to say what I wanted to when she was passing. I will say it here.
Mom, go ahead and go to Him. He is waiting for you with open arms. You will not be in pain, and you will no longer need to struggle with this world, for you will be in His Kingdom. Go now. Sleep. Do not worry about us. Goodbye mom. I love you. May you Rest In Peace.
I couldn't get those words out. I couldn't speak. My voice caught in my throat. That instant is frozen in time in my mind. The emotions, guilt and sadness are the biggest ones. I couldn't be there when she passed. No, I can't help that in the least. Not one bit, and i do know its not my fault. But still. And of course, sadness, because she is no longer with us.
Gotta think on the bright side though, right? That bone spur on the ball of her foot, no longer there. Her mind is intact. She can walk around once more. She can laugh, and cry if she wanted to. Though, I don't think He would let her cry. She can do everything she once did. No more pain. She's probably arguing with Him now, trying to haunt me and my siblings.
I know she is in a better place. I still want her here though. I've been jealous of everyone who has a mom. Spike, Charles, Des, Felix. I envy them. I can no longer say "My mom is in a nursing home." I can't say that anymore. I have to say, if the person was worthy enough to know, "My mom passed .... (inserttimeframehere)."
I don't know how to deal with this. This is something so new to me. Unknown territory here. Like, the woman that gave me life. Gave birth to me. She is gone now. I think my brain is still processing that. Cause I've kind just kept going. It seems like I'm saying to myself: "Can't stop for this. You knew it was gonna happen. Well it did. Gotta keep going, can't stop."
I do know that I will deal with it in my own way. And I know it will be soon, this blog being part of that. Goodbye mom. I love you. And don't hide my keys on me. You can do everything else, except that.
An Angel
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
Words....
When I went to Nevada to visit family, I did it on a whim. Spontaneous. I decided that I had enough funds to drive there, and drive back. And I was right. I cut it close, but I did make it. I spent about $550. I was able to visit my lil bro, my dad, and my mom.
I really enjoyed doing those things. I went to Peterson Peak, north of Verdi NV, to the crystal mine, and dug up some crystals. Got some clear ones, a couple of points. But that wasn't the important part. That isn't what mattered. I spent time with my dad, something I haven't done in a very long time. We spent time at the house as well. I kinda pretended I was that 8 year old, who loved to poke his dad in the ribs. They were all very accepting of my boyfriend, Charles. They gave us some home made stew to eat as well. Which is very good.
I visited my mom the first day I was there. She was laying in her bed, which they had to make special, so she wouldn't fall out of it. She has a bone spur, on the ball of her foot, which prevents her from walking. So she is in a wheelchair. She didn't recognize me, but she did respond to me calling her "mom". She turned her head and said "What?" That's as far as her recognition went. She was bruised up too. From all the times she has fallen, or tried to get out of bed. I sat with her, helping her up when she wanted to sit up. Holding her, laying her back down. She started crying too. She was so frustrated, that her mind couldn't make sense of anything.
She also has to be hand fed, as her hand-eye coordination isn't the best. She eats everything though. Shes still pretty strong...I hope she lives for a while still, but I don't think she will....why does this happen? Why does this BUG...this THING.... take peoples minds? Ya, my mom was a manipulative and selfish woman. She did many things to many people. Is this her punishment? I hope not. No one deserves this. Not even the people who molested me. Almost, but no. This is so wrong. Not being able to recognize your own family is wrong. She is alone there. No one can get to her to visit. Did she really deserve this? Truly? I don't know what I will do if she passes....
I really enjoyed doing those things. I went to Peterson Peak, north of Verdi NV, to the crystal mine, and dug up some crystals. Got some clear ones, a couple of points. But that wasn't the important part. That isn't what mattered. I spent time with my dad, something I haven't done in a very long time. We spent time at the house as well. I kinda pretended I was that 8 year old, who loved to poke his dad in the ribs. They were all very accepting of my boyfriend, Charles. They gave us some home made stew to eat as well. Which is very good.
I visited my mom the first day I was there. She was laying in her bed, which they had to make special, so she wouldn't fall out of it. She has a bone spur, on the ball of her foot, which prevents her from walking. So she is in a wheelchair. She didn't recognize me, but she did respond to me calling her "mom". She turned her head and said "What?" That's as far as her recognition went. She was bruised up too. From all the times she has fallen, or tried to get out of bed. I sat with her, helping her up when she wanted to sit up. Holding her, laying her back down. She started crying too. She was so frustrated, that her mind couldn't make sense of anything.
She also has to be hand fed, as her hand-eye coordination isn't the best. She eats everything though. Shes still pretty strong...I hope she lives for a while still, but I don't think she will....why does this happen? Why does this BUG...this THING.... take peoples minds? Ya, my mom was a manipulative and selfish woman. She did many things to many people. Is this her punishment? I hope not. No one deserves this. Not even the people who molested me. Almost, but no. This is so wrong. Not being able to recognize your own family is wrong. She is alone there. No one can get to her to visit. Did she really deserve this? Truly? I don't know what I will do if she passes....
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Animals...
You know, I've had my cat for a while now. Longer than I've owned any pet, really. She is the most loving feline I know. She sits on my chest at night when I go to bed, puts her paw on my lips, like she is saying "...No words...". And then she looks at me. She looks eye to eye at me. And the love she has for me is amazing. I rarely see that in eyes. Yea, I see it in my boyfriends eyes, but somehow its different when I see it in Spazs' eyes. Its like she wants to be a human, or me to be a cat. Thats what I get from it.
Animals can sense how a person is. Whether they are good or not. Dogs do this all of the time. Cats too, but lets often than dogs. Dogs KNOW if a person or thing is bad. They bark at it, growl, glare, what whatnot, trying to warn others at the evil feeling. Most people brush this off as "the dog is misbehaving." or "Shes just playing." No. She is not. When an animal will not go near a person or place, PAY ATTENTION. They know more than we do. When your dog growls at one of your friends, and it doesn't pass within a couple of minutes, question why. Your dog is trying to tell you something. So listen. An old saying is very true: "If my dog doesn't trust you, neither to I."
They won't lie to you. Your animal friend, Dog, cat, ferret, whatever, will not lie to you. They are your best friends. If you treat them right, they will remain with you for years. They won't judge you, or make fun of you. They won't be a smart ass (Well, cats might be one... XP) and they won't take you for granted. They will love you unconditionally. They will try to protect you. They KNOW when you're feeling down, even when you do not. And they will try to comfort you. I've slept with Spaz in my arms a few times. She didn't care. She came up, laid next to me, looked at me, and then we both fell asleep. Shes comforted me, and has been an escape from reality for a few moments many times.
People don't understand animals. They claim to, but then they mistreat them. I can't stand the thought of mistreating my cat. I've never hit her, or been mean to her. In return, she comforts my depression, and brings a smile to my face when I play with her.
The joys of being a cat owner ^_^ mew
Animals can sense how a person is. Whether they are good or not. Dogs do this all of the time. Cats too, but lets often than dogs. Dogs KNOW if a person or thing is bad. They bark at it, growl, glare, what whatnot, trying to warn others at the evil feeling. Most people brush this off as "the dog is misbehaving." or "Shes just playing." No. She is not. When an animal will not go near a person or place, PAY ATTENTION. They know more than we do. When your dog growls at one of your friends, and it doesn't pass within a couple of minutes, question why. Your dog is trying to tell you something. So listen. An old saying is very true: "If my dog doesn't trust you, neither to I."
They won't lie to you. Your animal friend, Dog, cat, ferret, whatever, will not lie to you. They are your best friends. If you treat them right, they will remain with you for years. They won't judge you, or make fun of you. They won't be a smart ass (Well, cats might be one... XP) and they won't take you for granted. They will love you unconditionally. They will try to protect you. They KNOW when you're feeling down, even when you do not. And they will try to comfort you. I've slept with Spaz in my arms a few times. She didn't care. She came up, laid next to me, looked at me, and then we both fell asleep. Shes comforted me, and has been an escape from reality for a few moments many times.
People don't understand animals. They claim to, but then they mistreat them. I can't stand the thought of mistreating my cat. I've never hit her, or been mean to her. In return, she comforts my depression, and brings a smile to my face when I play with her.
The joys of being a cat owner ^_^ mew
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