A turn around....

Things have changed. I'm not longer a Sub for Spike.Something had happened which made me rather upset. I won't go into that here, but it was rather embarrassing what had happened. What had happened caused me to think though.

I have known for a long time that I have had a rather strong personality. A very strong willpower, a lot of fight in me. Ecetera. I haven't really known until recently, exactly how strong, or dominant it is. While trying to keep it under wraps, hidden, I've had two different people tell me the same thing almost word for word. They had both said that, even though I had a locked collar on, I didn't seem very submissive. I was told that a submissive doesn't have as much fire as I do. As much fight. I seemed to have more of a dominant personality than Spike does. I have told Spike several times that I'm able to Dom everyone in the house, if I actually tried. I haven't really dun that before cause I didn't want to make Spike feel bad. When  one of our friends, Icey, was here, he had told me that I had this aura of....dominance?...personality?...around me. Even though I was trying to hide it. I asked him if it was ME he was seeing or feeling, or if it was the amount of energy I have. He said both. I talked with Des, and he said that he hasn't ever seen me as a sub. That my personality is way too strong. He had also said that Spikes is more Submissive. Hes not assertive, nor strong willed. Now, this isn't a bad thing, but its kinda hard to be a Sub to someone who doesn't have Dom like traits, and who isn't assertive. So I had to take my tag off.

Me and Charles were expecting way too much of him. Beyond way too much. Like expecting a small 6mos old child to read at a 4th grade level. I really didn't realize it, at all. I thought things were good. I talked to Des though. He saw things differently. He saw the pressure building, which would have resulted in bad things, most likely. I've learned to trust his observations. They have been spot on, including his observations about myself. I had to take down another blog post, in which this post is replacing. It would have screwed things up royally. It would have probably destroyed a friendship, and I wasn't about to do that, so I took it down. Des told me that we were basically trying to make Spike what he really isn't. And that I was trying to be something I'm not. It made me think a lot. I've taught Spike several things. Honesty being one of the biggest. And hes done really good with that. But I can't make him be something he isn't. Assertive, proud. No, not the snobby proud, but being self confident. Have some self respect. Self esteem. It is hard to be a Dom when these things are lacking.

Taking my tag off was extremely hard. Then, I had to shrug and take it off, as there was no sense in keeping it on for the moment. I wanted to be something I am not so bad, I almost destroyed a friendship in doing so. Its gonna take a rather strong personality, regardless, to get me to submit. I haven't met that person yet. Charles does a good job sometimes. Hes ultimately not Dommy though. Spike did a good job sometimes too, but again, not Dommy. I am though. Icey said that I had an aura, without even trying to be one. He didn't really see anyone in the house as having one like I did. So I collared both Spike and Charles once more. This time though, everything is in person. Not Second Life as it was before.

I've set up several protocols, guidelines, and whatnot, to get this started. They were signed. By all three of us. And they are going to be enforced. Spike had said he wanted to jump right in to this. So, I presented him the deep side of the pool, and watched him jump in. I just hope he can swim. Now, both Charles and Spike get to see the other side of me. They both get to see me, being a Dom. How strong of a will I really have. How dominant I really am. I'm hoping with Charles experience and guidance, I can learn a lot, as I did while I was a Sub.

My sister, Meghan, said something to me a while ago, when I told her I was wearing a collar. She said: "The god of war can't exactly lead people when hes collared, Matthew." Maybe I'm not supposed to be collared, so I can lead people. Maybe thats why I have such a Dom. Why I can command people with just my voice. A way of saying things, inflection of tone. I don't really use it that often. The commanding voice: "Its is the same skill used to get an army to follow you to the death when most would rather up and run... I call it my commanding voice... it is a matter of inflection and wording and subtle tonal changes..." And shes absolutely right. I guess its time to start using mine.

I dunno....

So I went to a meeting on Sunday. Well, more of a social gathering, really. Me and my boyfriend went to the underground to meet with a bunch of people who were into the whole BDSM like we were. We talked and all of that. Well, Charles did most of the talking while I was there for moral support. He didn't want to go by himself, so I went with him. It was a nice time. A Dominant, Wally, met with Charles there, so Charles could ask his questions. I don't remember many of them, as I wasn't as interested in it as he was. While I still am interested, I want to go more slow, and I'm not sure what to ask. I did hear an interesting story. Wally, the night before (I believe) attended a dinner, where 8 or so leatherboys serviced 20 Doms. All they wore were their collars. Yes, these boys were shared between the Doms. It sounded interesting, but at the same time, what else were they there to do? There was also another furry there who wanted to become a "Furry Master" as Wally put it. I kind of almost started laughing, but I restrained myself. I mean... Furry Master... ? Yea, he was a furry, and the first thing that went through my head was "Furries ruin everything." I laughed and giggled for a while after that.

*switches gears*

I learned something else that has kind of bothered me. My boyfriend isn't monogamous. Well, not sexually anyway. He wants to go play with a friend at RMFC, of which I had a hard time accepting. I know he hasn't had anyone like me before. A lot of firsts have been done. I told him that I would become rather upset if that happened. Yea, we get bent by our Dom, Spike. But we both know him, he lives in the same house and whatnot. He wants me to just let him go off, and get bent by someone I don't know. Yet he gets upset when I mention bending Draggie over.

He then wants me to accept that he very well could get bent by another Dom, and uses that to justify letting me bending over Draggie. I don't know if I could let him get bent by anyone else, except Spike, really. I usually see that as cheating, though I know its not. Hell, if he truly wanted me not to bend Draggie over, I won't. But then, he can't say he's gonna go play with a friend at RMFC, or get bent by another Dom. With him jumping into all of this so fast, its going to be hard for me to keep up, and that's even if I can. I might be left behind while he does all of this, and soon enough, he will stop looking behind him, and I've lost him. I know I can't give him what he wants now. The whole strict leather daddy. I've tried. It didn't work. I've tried the cubby thing as well. That worked a little better. But not as much as he wanted. I don't know what else he wants. He says he needs this leather house style in his life. Yes, it interests me a lot. But I'm afraid he will get caught up in it, and not have the patience to wait for either me or Spike. Then, I will be in the middle. I See this happening. Hell, I've seen it happen. I hope its just my overactive imagination, and me over-thinking things. Not sure if I can do that. It scares me. The thought of my mate going to another Dom...it scares the hell out of me. He could get so caught up in it .. "You're mine and mine alone.." could be said, and he would go "Yes sir.." before realizing what was said. Then, I'd have lost him. Yea, he says that won't happen. Or they won't do that. Or I won't let that happen...stuff like that. But its still a fear. A large one.