August 28th, 2014 at 7:08pm PTD

On this day, at this time, my mother passed away in her sleep. My little brother and sister were there in person, while me and Meghan were on the phone. I knew it was coming. I felt it for a few days since I've been back from visiting her, and the rest of my family. It made it no less easier. Anna, she was bawling like a baby when she walked into the room. She has always been pretty emotional, from sadness, to utter rage. James, he tried keeping it back, but he didn't succeed. He too, was crying. Like he said "Fuck it. If I'm allowed to cry just once, this is the time. So fuck you world." He's always tried to keep his feelings in check. Meghan, she was quiet. Though, she KNEW the moment mom passed. She muted her phone, sniffled. Then she looked up, sighed, and said "Goodbye mom. Go on your next adventure. I'll see you there. I love you."

Me, I always thought I was gonna be a basket case when this happened. I wasn't though. I held it together. Spike came down and hugged me. That felt good, but it was kinda awkward. But that's OK. I know he is here in case I need him. Along with Charles. I know I have to let it all out at some point. I don't know when that will be though. I do know I was unable to say what I wanted to when she was passing. I will say it here.

Mom, go ahead and go to Him. He is waiting for you with open arms. You will not be in pain, and you will no longer need to struggle with this world, for you will be in His Kingdom. Go now. Sleep. Do not worry about us. Goodbye mom. I love you. May you Rest In Peace. 

I couldn't get those words out. I couldn't speak. My voice caught in my throat. That instant is frozen in time in my mind. The emotions, guilt and sadness are the biggest ones. I couldn't be there when she passed. No, I can't help that in the least. Not one bit, and i do know its not my fault. But still. And of course, sadness, because she is no longer with us.

Gotta think on the bright side though, right? That bone spur on the ball of her foot, no longer there. Her mind is intact. She can walk around once more. She can laugh, and cry if she wanted to. Though, I don't think He would let her cry. She can do everything she once did. No more pain. She's probably arguing with Him now, trying to haunt me and my siblings.

I know she is in a better place. I still want her here though. I've been jealous of everyone who has a mom. Spike, Charles, Des, Felix. I envy them. I can no longer say "My mom is in a nursing home." I can't say that anymore. I have to say, if the person was worthy enough to know, "My mom passed .... (inserttimeframehere)."

I don't know how to deal with this. This is something so new to me. Unknown territory here. Like, the woman that gave me life. Gave birth to me. She is gone now. I think my brain is still processing that. Cause I've kind just kept going. It seems like I'm saying to myself: "Can't stop for this. You knew it was gonna happen. Well it did. Gotta keep going, can't stop."

I do know that I will deal with it in my own way. And I know it will be soon, this blog being part of that. Goodbye mom. I love you. And don't hide my keys on me. You can do everything else, except that.

Words....

When I went to Nevada to visit family, I did it on a whim. Spontaneous. I decided that I had enough funds to drive there, and drive back. And I was right. I cut it close, but I did make it. I spent about $550. I was able to visit my lil bro, my dad, and my mom.

I really enjoyed doing those things. I went to Peterson Peak, north of Verdi NV, to the crystal mine, and dug up some crystals. Got some clear ones, a couple of points. But that wasn't the important part. That isn't what mattered. I spent time with my dad, something I haven't done in a very long time. We spent time at the house as well. I kinda pretended I was that 8 year old, who loved to poke his dad in the ribs. They were all very accepting of my boyfriend, Charles. They gave us some home made stew to eat as well. Which is very good.

I visited my mom the first day I was there. She was laying in her bed, which they had to make special, so she wouldn't fall out of it. She has a bone spur, on the ball of her foot, which prevents her from walking. So she is in a wheelchair. She didn't recognize me, but she did respond to me calling her "mom". She turned her head and said "What?" That's as far as her recognition went. She was bruised up too. From all the times she has fallen, or tried to get out of bed. I sat with her, helping her up when she wanted to sit up. Holding her, laying her back down. She started crying too. She was so frustrated, that her mind couldn't make sense of anything.

She also has to be hand fed, as her hand-eye coordination isn't the best. She eats everything though. Shes still pretty strong...I hope she lives for a while still, but I don't think she will....why does this happen? Why does this BUG...this THING.... take peoples minds? Ya, my mom was a manipulative and selfish woman. She did many things to many people. Is this her punishment? I hope not. No one deserves this. Not even the people who molested me. Almost, but no. This is so wrong. Not being able to recognize your own family is wrong. She is alone there. No one can get to her to visit. Did she really deserve this? Truly? I don't know what I will do if she passes....

Animals...

You know, I've had my cat for a while now. Longer than I've owned any pet, really. She is the most loving feline I know. She sits on my chest at night when I go to bed, puts her paw on my lips, like she is saying "...No words...". And then she looks at me. She looks eye to eye at me. And the love she has for me is amazing. I rarely see that in eyes. Yea, I see it in my boyfriends eyes, but somehow its different when I see it in Spazs' eyes. Its like she wants to be a human, or me to be a cat. Thats what I get from it.

Animals can sense how a person is. Whether they are good or not. Dogs do this all of the time. Cats too, but lets often than dogs. Dogs KNOW if a person or thing is bad. They bark at it, growl, glare, what whatnot, trying to warn others at the evil feeling. Most people brush this off as "the dog is misbehaving." or "Shes just playing." No. She is not. When an animal will not go near a person or place, PAY ATTENTION. They know more than we do. When your dog growls at one of your friends, and it doesn't pass within a couple of minutes, question why. Your dog is trying to tell you something. So listen. An old saying is very true: "If my dog doesn't trust you, neither to I."

They won't lie to you. Your animal friend, Dog, cat, ferret, whatever, will not lie to you. They are your best friends. If you treat them right, they will remain with you for years. They won't judge you, or make fun of you. They won't be a smart ass (Well, cats might be one... XP) and they won't take you for granted. They will love you unconditionally. They will try to protect you. They KNOW when you're feeling down, even when you do not. And they will try to comfort you. I've slept with Spaz in my arms a few times. She didn't care. She came up, laid next to me, looked at me, and then we both fell asleep. Shes comforted me, and has been an escape from reality for a few moments many times.

People don't understand animals. They claim to, but then they mistreat them. I can't stand the thought of mistreating my cat. I've never hit her, or been mean to her. In return, she comforts my depression, and brings a smile to my face when I play with her.

The joys of being a cat owner ^_^ mew

Resiliance and willpower....

I'm sitting here listening to a new mix by OnlyChillstep...

Only Chillstep Selection #30

I'm noticed something about myself. Nothing really new, or anything like that. See, earlier today, I skinned my knee. My ankle gave out and I flopped about, arms flailing as I tried to regain my balance. It ended up with my knee getting skinned, and my ankle hurting a bit. Nothing huge, but I have a barely noticeable limp. But I got up, swore at my ankle and knee, and continued to walk home. This is life.

My sister had said that when life suddenly becomes hard, you have leveled up. I've always continued forwards, because I know that if I stop, and say screw it, I wouldn't be me any longer. I always move on, even when faced with difficult times ahead of me. I always keep an optimistic outlook as well. A friend of mine, Albert, had told me that I taught him how to do that. To look at the bright side of things. Even when someone dies. I'm not sure how I do this, but I've seen myself do this a lot. Even when something horrible happens, such as getting separated from a $3,500/mo job. I've seen around me, my friends, always look at the bad side of things.

If we always look at the bad side of things, we would not see the good side. For example. Yes, right now I have no teeth in my mouth. Gums are still pretty tender, and painful. I can eat soft things right now. In a few weeks, I won't have ANY pain, and I will be able to use my dentures to eat hard things. I will be pain free in my mouth, something I've not experienced in a long time. Yes, I live in a different state than my mother. Shes alone in a nursing home, and her mind isn't the greatest. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But she is getting the care she needs. I talked to her head nurse, and she told me that shes having a nice time there. She gets up and dances with the head nurse, listening to music. She is HAPPY. She deserves to be happy, given her life. Yes, she wasn't the best woman. Manipulative, and yes, she lied to people. I don't condone that. I hate liars, and shes the main reason why. But you know, she did it for her kids. Her kids were her first priority in life. And they turned out OK.

I was resilient and moved on when that happened. I went back into my apartment, and sobbed for about 20min. Then I got ready to come to Colorado Springs. I pushed through that most difficult time, and everything turned out OK. If we don't push on, move forwards, then we lose who we are. Regardless of who is around. I've done this a lot, and I've been told that I have a rather strong will. An uncanny ability to see the good sides of all situations.

Maybe that is what I'm supposed to do...be the light when everyone sees dark... :)

Music....

I'm sitting here listening to a piece of modern music, done in a classical way. Its one of the best pieces I've heard in a long time.

Beethoven's 5 Secrets - Piano Guys

This music here, I don't know what it was. Spoke to me. Soothed me. Made me feel, I don't know. Normal. A lot of people don't know the power of music. They think its just a good set of sounds put together, to sound good. While true, yes, the power of music, is it is able to make you FEEL it. To bring tears to your eyes, because of the feelings it stirs. I'm writing this with tears running down my face, this song on repeat. It soothes the soul. It speaks to my heart, telling me everything, eventually, will be ok. Telling me that no matter how hard I struggle, that as long as I don't give up on ANYTHING, I will come out on top.




Music. It is powerful. It can do a myriad of things. The sounds flowing through you. To rest in your ears. In your mind, the sounds come alive, painting a picture on what it wants you to see. Whether it is a golden sunrise over an ocean, a misty morning in the woods, or maybe the star scape on a dark night. It can lift your mood to new heights, or bring it down to new lows. It can make you dance, moving your body to the rhythm that you hear, be it conducting an invisible orchestra, or waving your arms as you look skywards. Its able to make you cry, and make you laugh, and everything in between. This, is what music is. This is what it is meant for.

I wish those who really need it, need to hear this, can. There are those out there who need that pat on the back. That hope. The light brought back to their eyes. While I may be going through a pretty hard time, and while I may struggle keeping the light in my eyes, there are those who don't have it any longer. Grown men, women, children. they would hear this, and possibly realize that hope is still there.

This is what I want. To bring people hope once more.

Healing......maybe?

Healing. A process where wounds, either physical or emotional, or even mental, are healed. Are taken care of. Soothed. Will I be able to do this? To be healed?

When someone tells me it will be OK, I wave my hand in a 'whatever' gesture. Dismissing them. I was let go from the CDOC, due to my mental health, which isn't very good. The dark thoughts I have, those images, desire to act them out, then to move on without remorse. These ... impulses ... have become rather strong. I would sit in the tower, alone, with no noise, or anything to occupy my mind, then I would hear them.

The voices. Giggling, and laughing at the bottom of the tower. I would go to the window to see if there was anyone there, but there wasn't. They would mumble, unintelligibly, most of the time. Then, when someone came into sight ... "Shoot him. Go on. Hes just a rapist...." ... "Kill him. He deserves it..." ... "Put the barrel in your mouth...you're alone...you know you want to...." ...

Are they spirits? I want to believe they are. That they are telling me that there are bad people needing to be dead. I hear them tell me to do things, only when its quiet. Only when my mind is unoccupied. I've heard them for a very long time. Always there. But only hear them clearly when its quiet around me. Its why I have music or something going on all of the time. If they are spirits, which is possible, then they aren't the nice ones, and have been around me for a long time.

Will they stop with this help I'm getting? Years of all sorts of abuse. Being molested repeatedly. Raped. Called all sorts of names. Neglected. A couple of decades of keeping all of that in. Have I found the place, the help, I've needed for so long? I really hope so.

When I got let go from CDOC, I was on the verge of defeat. I wanted my life to end. I was extremely close to doing it. To taking the massive amounts of pain killers, and mixing it with muscle relaxers, and then there's alcohol on top of the fridge. I just got the job, and then i was let go. I felt all was lost, and sometimes, I still do. More than half of the household income just disappeared. Despair, hurt, sadness, anger, hopelessness. It all set in all at once. I had the pills in my hand. I would have went to sleep, and hopefully not woken up. I doubt it would have worked, but still. Some days, still, I wish I had done so. I'm tired of being strong. Tired of being the one that holds everything together, and getting no appreciation. But if I'm not, then I'm not me. Maybe I should let Zeke take over for a bit...He can be strong. If not rather wise, and whatnot...

Hmm....

Peter Hollens - into the West

I sit and wonder, and think, if I'm supposed to be here. If I'm going to make a difference in someones life. I attribute that the reason, the main reason, why I do what I do now. I want to make a difference in someones life. A significant difference.

"If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here. I would have made that wrong choice, and done something stupid..."

I want to be remembered, if anything were to happen to me. Not be the subject of grief, pain and anguish, but of smiles and laughter. I was talking with a friend, a very close friend, of mine last night. Elly. I have mentioned her before. One of the greatest people I've ever known. I told her that I'm getting tired of this world. This pit of hell. Earth. No, you're right though, it does seem great, the people on it one of the most adaptable people one has ever known. A willpower to rival that of gods. (Not God, but gods. take notice in that.) Myself, I've a willpower that has moved mountains, has changed the way people think about things, changed the way they act. I haven't met anyone who has been able to shake my willpower if I don't want it shaken.

I was told by a close friend of mine, that my virtue defines me. My high moral standards would be my defining characteristic. My dad also said that he knew the kind of life I was going to go through. That he knew it was going to be hard. That me, as his son, was foretold, to be the person I am today. This person with such high moral standards, most people think I'm rather odd. I'm gay, a furry, into BDSM as a lifestyle, and my morals are much hither than the normal persons.

But then, there are times, where I have such dark thoughts. Mostly when I'm alone. These dark thoughts would make the most rock hard person pale. The ease of the actions in my thoughts would be. How easy it would be for me to do them, if I allowed it. But I won't do that, because then I would become such a monster. My sister told me one day that I need to embrace that side of me sometimes.

"You can't have the light, without the dark."

That is very true. But I've got a lot of dark. Enough that, if I wanted, or needed, I could act out those thoughts. Those images in my head that surface when alone. When in a bad mood, or what have you. Such wanton rage, unleashed. Exploding out of me after being kept bottled up for twenty five years. I don't think anyone can handle it. I know it would lead to violence. And I detest that. The people that deserve that rage, they live in Nevada. Though, truthfully, they couldn't survive it. So I keep it hidden. Locked away. Some sometimes leaks out. I am unable to help that.

I have done what my therapist in Nevada told me to do. To acknowledge the thought, then let it pass. I've done that for a long time. And it does work. But then the thought lingers, and I act out scenarios in my head. What the triggers for said scenarios would be. Most times, it was just that I stopped caring. Caring about consequences. The need to let the rage go. The need to utilize that one outlet that I would find, that I've been lacking for so long. I don't want it to explode out of me. Its come close a lot. I've always fought it back. I'm afraid of what it could do, if I were to let it go. I'm not talking just sobbing in my boyfriends arms. Yea, that's a great release, but to let the rage come out, I would need to break things.

The potential for physical destruction I would have is a lot. I remember when my Samsung TV died. I turned it on, and saw that it was broken, I almost lost it. I took a hammer and started beating one of the cat posts. I let it bubble over for a couple of minutes. I scared the hell out of my boyfriend when i did that too. But I couldn't keep it in any longer that day. That day was pretty crappy already. So I let a rather small portion of that rage out. It felt rather good, but also scared my boyfriend, which I don't want to do. I don't want him to think that I'm some sort of monster. That I've let everything out. I also don't want to hurt him in any way. The last time I let loose on him when a small portion of that rage got out, I made him cry for an hour and a half. I dun wanna do it again.

But those thoughts in my head. They are disturbing, and scare the shit out of me. That me being capable of doing those things terrifies me. That all it would take is for me to be in a bad mood, and for someone to trigger it, and then well, instead of working at a prison, I'll be in prison. My willpower is the only thing that has stopped me from doing anything. My "I know I'm better than that." But then I ask, now, "What would a normal person do?"

Are these thoughts the reason why my white wings have tips of black? Are these impulses getting stronger? Will I be able to hold them back until its time? Or will they leak out before hand, and destroy everything I've worked so hard to establish? I hope not. I really like life now.

An Update on Life....

Sorry I haven't updated this for a while. Things became real for me when I started my new job. This is what has happened so far, since then.

On December 7th 2013, I took my car to the dealership to find out why the turbo wasn't engaging once more, and find out what the clicking noise was. At this time, I was scared. I mean, my ONLY means to work was failing me. Also, I was getting tired of having Spike pay for repairs for this car. Like, really tired. I toyed with the option of getting a new car. "My credit fucking sucks though." said my brain. So I talked with Spike about it. I was scared of doing that too. Of buying a brand new car. I mean, something that i have never done before. I've always had used cars. I walked around a lot, looking at the different cars, seriously deliberating on this in my head. I was to the point of tears, I was so scared my car needed some huge repairs. So after some serious thought, and wiping my eyes, I went to talk with Andy, the service tech I deal with. He pointed me in the direction of a salesman. After more thought, I talked to him. I told him right off the bat my credit sucks. He understood, and asked what I was looking for. I told him I wasn't expecting to drive off the lot with anything, but I needed something reliable. Can handle snow, and all that. Also something with amazing gas mileage. He pointed me in the direction of the Legacy. I agreed, and told him that it would be nice, as my current car, I was really tired of pouring money into it. It needed a small block replacement, and the cylinder heads rebuilt. About $5,500 worth of work. I told the salesman this, Tommy. We began the process that I knew was gonna fail, but hey. Doesn't hurt to try, right? I get called back to the service area, and talk to Andy. He told me to trade in my car. The turbo was blown, again, and needed about $2,300 of repairs, on top of the $5,500. I walked back up front and went to Tommys' desk. He was still crunching numbers with his boss. He got my license and whatnot, had me fill out a credit application. I filled it out and whatnot. I called my dad for his address for a reference. After all of this, I got a brand new car. I don't know how, really, but I did. a 2014 Subaru Legacy 2.5i. Base model, but still. It needs a couple things to make it mine, but I now have a reliable vehicle. I drove it to work the day I bought it, drove it off of the lot with 6 miles on the odometer. It gets up to 34mpg. I get it up to 28.5mpg. In the city, 27.9mpg. the other Subaru I have, 20mpg. I can get 620 miles per tank of gas. Like, goddamn. That's more than halfway back to Carson City NV. It wasn't a bad experience, but it was still rather scary. 

I also miss wearing my collar. A lot. Charles goes to these events, while I'm at work, and most times, I'm really jealous that he can, and I'm unable to, due to me having to work. He gets to go experience things that I'm unable to do with him. Things I wish I could be present for. It feels like I'm losing him, but he says I'm not. He goes out Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. He goes to a multitude of things, which is fine. I want him to go have fun. To get stuff done to him that I'm unable to do, such as needle play. Getting whipped hard enough to leave blood blisters, spanked hard enough to leave bruises. I am unable to do any of that to him. I truly am unable. I try. I did give him a good experience the other night. Spanked, then caned his back, with a bamboo cane. Flogged his back with a toy he made. He enjoyed it a lot. I still can't hit him as hard as he likes. So he goes to the play parties to get that done. Sometimes it feels like I have to compete with those parties and what not. I get told that Charles isn't going anywhere, that he comes home to me, and only me. But i know, he would go home with a Dom or whatnot, if he knew it wouldn't hurt me. Should I stop being his Dom, since I am that way at work? I have to be pretty dommy at work. No, don't translate that into being an ass, as thats not how I am. It drains me quite a bit at work. When I get home, sometimes I just wanna be left alone in my collar. Though, I simply come home, and play FFXIV. I am pretty tired when I get home. I don't want to do anything, except have a 6' bubble around me for a while. When I get home, and Charles isn't home, wild things go through my head. Most often is "Gods...good thing I didn't have to shoot anyone today...". I mean, I know he wouldn't know unless I told him. I guess I'm being selfish with him....I dunno. He keeps telling me something is holding him back, that all of his tarot readings on himself tell him the same thing. I know what it is. He wants to fully experience that lifestyle. All of the way. I am unable to do that presently, so he holds back on most things in that field. Therefore, I'm holding him back. Maybe I'm wrong. Possibly, but I don't think so. I don't know.

My job is going good. I have two low limit credit cards to rebuild my credit with. one I use for my Final Fantasy XIV subscription, along with Charles', and other various MMOs, and the other I call my "I want this" card. I can handle that. Everyone is a bit jealous that I have them, cause they don't have any. I'm sorry, but its my turn. Tired of being peoples money backup. I can't wait until my finances are smoothed out, so I can start saving for my new computer. Its weird to have left over money for things, like, semi expensive things. I went out and bought a $275 GPS by Garmin. Garmin Nuvi 2797 LMT. 7" screen. Why? Well, eventually, I plan on driving to NV to see my mom and pick up more things that are mine from my dads house. But a decently sized reason was because I wanted it. Ya, I used my credit card. But still. I can DO that. It felt pretty good.

Blah my mom...Shes faded further into the Alzheimer's. I have talked to her a few times in the past couple weeks. She doesn't make much sense most of the time. Only at the beginning, when I say hello, she says hello back. At one point, she had a moment of clarity, and asked when she could come home. I had to go in to work soon, so I pretended I didn't hear it, and moved forwards. I later cried in the tower, as thats where I was posted that day. I couldn't help myself. It didn't last long, but still. I want to get her out of there, and its gotten worse. She gets treated worse than the prisoners in the prison I work at. She gets two showers per week, when the inmates get one a day. She gets a rice crispie treat for a snack. She doesn't have any teeth to chew it with, and its too hard to make it dissolve, so she can chew it. Shes also had some things done with her feet. She had planters warts removed from her feet, so she was in pain. They were giving her Tylenol for it, but that's not gonna dull that kind of pain, not to mention it doesn't really work on her. So I gave them some meds to look into. I wish I could help her more. I really do.

Thats a life update. Bye.