hi..

I'm still around. Finally got a job with Convergys working on their Directv project. I get some nice perks. Finally have a job. Its a good feeling to finally work.

Last weekend, this past Saturday, the feeling of being alone swept over me. Just sitting here, enjoying my time off, and I then felt lost. So alone. Yea, I have a boyfriend, love him so much. An owner who is trying hard. I still logged into IOS, Second Life, and Star Trek Online all at the same time. I was looking for something, I don't know what. A longing perhaps. Just a deep seeded need. They get so worried about me when I become a little upset. What would they do if I just sat in a dark room and cried? Not cry, but break down, and let the damn of held back emotions just break free? There's days where I want to do just that. Just to go into the washroom, turn off the light, and just cry. I've had several dreams lately, where my mom was let out of the home she was put in. She had an apartment at the place where I lived before I moved in with Spike. And every time I went to go hug her, or comfort her, someone ALWAYS got in the way. And you know, even in my dreams, I seem to control my emotions, to where they are a trickle, instead of bursting out. I don't like others worrying about me, when there's more important things to worry about. Like rent, or the bills. Or food. Charles is coming close to understanding me mostly. Spike, he is trying so hard. I've always just put up a very high and 10 foot thick adamantium wall around my heart when I feel vulnerable. But I hate acting like there is one, cause it makes people feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me, or feel bad for saying hi to me, or stuff, and I hate that.

Spike had asked me a question a few days ago, about what about him annoys me sometimes. He wanted an honest answer. I had told him that all of those things he did to me, those deceptions, lies, half truths, there are days where I want to be an utter and complete ass to him, JUST out of spite. To make him feel as shitty as he made me feel. To utterly unleash what I always hold back. Scathing remarks, sarcasm enough to make him blink. But I don't, because it would hurt him. Yea, I have enough right to do so, according to a LOT of people whom I talked about it to. But I still don't. Why? I don't know. I really don't like making people feel like they make me feel. I really really don't. There are days where I want to stab people in the eye with a hot soldering iron. JUST for being without common sense. Or to go on a 'get the fuck out of my sight' spree. I don't. Other days I want to be extraordinarily violent. I just want to put my hand through a wall, or a support beam. Just to vent some of that rage I have inside. All the rage that has been building up since I was 9. I can not though. I'm the strongest one in the house. With all the adrenaline going into my blood, I'd be extremely dangerous, deadly. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It is why I don't get angry or mad very often. People would get hurt. Especially when my car broke down, on the freeway, after picking up Charles from his friends hotel.

Yea, the turbo in my car blew almost apart. The impeller blew into the catalytic converters. Needless to say, I couldn't contain that anger. I was over 60mi. away from my friend Palmer, and I blew everything he had up to protect himself away. Gave him a headache, and made my own wardings on my home glow some.My sister, a thousand or so miles away, felt that wave. Sustained it for a long while, cause I was just so....pissed the hell off. No one here really realizes how mad I was. I just wish I could vent sometimes...jsut to blow off steam....no one can handle it though....