Ohai

I wrote on my Facebook page a few days ago about how I was thankful this past Thursday. It wasn't meant to hurt anyone, nor be anywhere near judgmental to anyone. I just wanted to express my feelings almost the only way I know how, and it still hurt someone. I hate hurting people, because of the way I am. I have been told by many people that my words, if need be, are like razors. They cut cleanly and very deep. I'm sorry. I don't know how I learned to be this way. Or how I am able to do this. One of the biggest reasons I do what I do. Stonewall my feelings inside. Keep what I really think about many things to myself. The result of me not doing so a few weeks ago, caused my boyfriend to cry for an hour and a half. I cried too...while I was laying in bed hiding. I hate making people feel like that. I was like that last night too. I have no idea why. After work, something triggered me to slip into a real bad mood. I don't know what it was. I wanted to hide. Just go be alone for a while. To do my own thing without being expected to do something. So i tried to bury in my games. Tried to hide. It didn't quite work. I dunno why. No one did anything to me to get me into a bad mood. I just suddenly wanted to run. Maybe its because I can't give whats expected from me...

I don't get truly ... ready ... for things. I'm not a very sexually oriented person. Not for a while. Even in Second Life I'm not. And I could be several thing in there. Neko, twink, cat, big bad wolf, anything. I get to bend over, or bend over several if i wanted to, aside my my BF. But I don't want to. I don't feel the need. Its not very appealing. Even when i look at porn, yea I get hard, but then it goes away, and its blah. He says its not hurting anything, but hes lying. He gets really expectant of me most nights, and I don't want to do anything sexual. Makes him upset and whatnot. He knows about all of this, yet I still can't help but see him get mad or whatnot. I wish I was sexual, but I'm not. Not as much as he wants me to be. We don't do enough things to keep him sated, so he goes elsewhere. Which I totally understand, and truly don't blame him. I still get jealous beyond though. That others give him what I can not. Even though he doesn't mean to, I still don't feel very boyfriendish when that happens. I cover it up a lot though.

Then, he makes this person feel like crap a lot of the time. Like, enjoying a peice of piano. "Aww you stopped. I was liking it a lot." and my boyfriends response, "Thats nice.. >:c *plant in front of puter*" like...really? I wish he would stop. Yea, smartassness is abound, and abundant, but holy hell. Yea, he was also a dick about something, but thats over, and done with. He knows how it made you feel.  I just wish the two would stop being so goddamned stubborn. Seriously. Its freaking Christmas time. Not the time to make sure everyone knows you have money, and they don't. Not the time to hold grudges about anything. If I had one Christmas wish, it would be those two getting along extremely well.

Another would be my mom getting better. Jesus Christ. I was looking at pictures of her on my phone, and on facebook. Dancing to the music that was on the TV. It like stabbed me over and over again, reminding me what happened. In two weeks today, is my mothers B-day. She will be 62 years old. I have a mug that she had some tea in the day she got taken to the home. I also have many pictures of hers, that if she were in a better place, I would mail her. But she would lose them there. Its becoming harder to just swallow the lump in my throat that forms when I think about her, or see a picture of her when I was working at Radio Shack 12 years ago. Such a strong woman. I miss it, and her. I wish I could bring her out here, and have her live with us. I don't think she would be happy, and i know no one else in the house has the patience to deal with her. We would all be miserable. I'm gonna be a mess when she passes. An utter emotional wreck. Everything that has been dammed up, will overflow. Everything will come crashing through....I just hope I get what I need when its time. Arms to catch me when my knees finally buckle. It hurts. "My mom doesn't know me anymore..."