What 2013 Holds for me...

2012.

A year filled with new experiences, met new people. New experiences.

2012.

A year that will haunt me for years to come. A letting go of someone i hold dear, even though others still hate her. A lot has happened this year.

My mother was taken from her home by the state of Nevada, and put into a assisted living home. It was for the best, but it still haunts me. She knows where she is at. She still asks if she can come home. I don't call her often, as it always brings me to tears. I don't really think of it that much, for much of the same reason. There are times where I wish with all of my heart she was still that explosive woman back in early 2000. She was vibrant. Got perms. I truly hope when she passes, she passes quietly, and without grief.

2013.

As of me typing this, 5hrs 44min. It will open a new expanse of the world for me. Of the many things I would like to do, get a 24hr Fitness membership. I need to get back in shape again. Not to simply lose weight. (I weigh 149 compared to 125 back in 2008) But I would really like to get in good shape again. Also, to get in shape to be wearing my fursuit when I get it. Also, my heart and body isn't as strong as they used to be. I was able to lift around 1,500lbs with my legs in 2000, when I was at Job Corps, in Stead NV. I was in great shape then. Mile in under 4min 30sec. 28" waist size (though i wore 30" waist pants)...I miss that. So, I am gonna get a gym membership at 24hr fitness, and strive to get to that once more. I will feel great once more. Also look better too hehe.

I've also had time to think about things. No, not the whole where is my life going thing. I'm not worried about that. I know where its going. I had a thought. In the times like the game Skyrim is set, and whatnot, I do believe i would have survived a while. Swords, shields, magic. The like. I could see myself becoming an assassin, or a mage. In my current game, I'm the Archmage of Stormhold, and my sneaking level is 97. I'm part of the assassins guild as well. Maybe not kill dragons, but I would befriend them. They are Wise, and intelligent. They have lived thousands of years, whereas man has lived by a small grain comparatively. I would learn from them. I would intentionally learn their language, to respect them. So much knowledge.

"Dragons never existed!"
Beleive it or not, ALL fairy tales come from some truth. We, as the human race, have fallen to such a level where we can't even comprehend what it would be like if a dragon could be real. I would spend the rest of my living days to learn from him. And not even learn its Magics. Just LEARN form it.

"Dragons are Evil!!"
No. They are not. Humankind trespassed against their lands. Forced them to hide, so they weren't feared. Then, they became legend, then myth, then fairytales.

"They were never here on earth!!"
Probably not. Who said WE came from this earth? Who said, for sure, that God, or whomever made us here? Think Stargate SG1. Who said that didn't actually happen? For all we know, this is not our home world. Who says there wasn't magic a couple thousand years ago? A few millenia ago? Maybe not as magic is portrayed now, but certainly magic nonetheless. "Advanced Technology is seen as Magic to those that do not know." A very true saying. Keep your mind open to any possibility, and you will be surprised at what you see.

Finally

I will be getting a fur suit. After just a couple months of realizing what exactly it means to be a furry. I've been one all my life I've realized. Pretending to have cat ears and tail. Pouncing. Wanting to be an ewok when I was 4 years old. I will be a Siamese feline.

I was talking to Spike the other day, about his new suit. He made a new fursona. A snow leopard. Playful, spontaneous. I wanted to put my entire check on the down for mine. We kind of argued about it, ectect. Then, he said something that shut me up.

"I was going to put $1,000 down on your suit as your Christmas present, when I did mine, which is why I was pushing for you to get a quote."

Those that know me know how hard it is for me to become speechless. I had nothing to respond with. No retaliation. Not once did I think that he would do this for me. I don't usually become speechless. I kinda teared up, then talked to the person who I have making my suit. we went into some details about what he needed, measurements or duct tape dummies, furs, ectect. I had no idea what to say to him after that. No, I'm not saying this to make anyone jealous. Not my intention at all. Then why am I putting this down? Because I wanted to share that one of my dreams were coming true. Not to say "neener neener I got a fursuit" .. no....Not that. Finally...I can be me in this fur suit.... :) I can't wait.

Ohai

I wrote on my Facebook page a few days ago about how I was thankful this past Thursday. It wasn't meant to hurt anyone, nor be anywhere near judgmental to anyone. I just wanted to express my feelings almost the only way I know how, and it still hurt someone. I hate hurting people, because of the way I am. I have been told by many people that my words, if need be, are like razors. They cut cleanly and very deep. I'm sorry. I don't know how I learned to be this way. Or how I am able to do this. One of the biggest reasons I do what I do. Stonewall my feelings inside. Keep what I really think about many things to myself. The result of me not doing so a few weeks ago, caused my boyfriend to cry for an hour and a half. I cried too...while I was laying in bed hiding. I hate making people feel like that. I was like that last night too. I have no idea why. After work, something triggered me to slip into a real bad mood. I don't know what it was. I wanted to hide. Just go be alone for a while. To do my own thing without being expected to do something. So i tried to bury in my games. Tried to hide. It didn't quite work. I dunno why. No one did anything to me to get me into a bad mood. I just suddenly wanted to run. Maybe its because I can't give whats expected from me...

I don't get truly ... ready ... for things. I'm not a very sexually oriented person. Not for a while. Even in Second Life I'm not. And I could be several thing in there. Neko, twink, cat, big bad wolf, anything. I get to bend over, or bend over several if i wanted to, aside my my BF. But I don't want to. I don't feel the need. Its not very appealing. Even when i look at porn, yea I get hard, but then it goes away, and its blah. He says its not hurting anything, but hes lying. He gets really expectant of me most nights, and I don't want to do anything sexual. Makes him upset and whatnot. He knows about all of this, yet I still can't help but see him get mad or whatnot. I wish I was sexual, but I'm not. Not as much as he wants me to be. We don't do enough things to keep him sated, so he goes elsewhere. Which I totally understand, and truly don't blame him. I still get jealous beyond though. That others give him what I can not. Even though he doesn't mean to, I still don't feel very boyfriendish when that happens. I cover it up a lot though.

Then, he makes this person feel like crap a lot of the time. Like, enjoying a peice of piano. "Aww you stopped. I was liking it a lot." and my boyfriends response, "Thats nice.. >:c *plant in front of puter*" like...really? I wish he would stop. Yea, smartassness is abound, and abundant, but holy hell. Yea, he was also a dick about something, but thats over, and done with. He knows how it made you feel.  I just wish the two would stop being so goddamned stubborn. Seriously. Its freaking Christmas time. Not the time to make sure everyone knows you have money, and they don't. Not the time to hold grudges about anything. If I had one Christmas wish, it would be those two getting along extremely well.

Another would be my mom getting better. Jesus Christ. I was looking at pictures of her on my phone, and on facebook. Dancing to the music that was on the TV. It like stabbed me over and over again, reminding me what happened. In two weeks today, is my mothers B-day. She will be 62 years old. I have a mug that she had some tea in the day she got taken to the home. I also have many pictures of hers, that if she were in a better place, I would mail her. But she would lose them there. Its becoming harder to just swallow the lump in my throat that forms when I think about her, or see a picture of her when I was working at Radio Shack 12 years ago. Such a strong woman. I miss it, and her. I wish I could bring her out here, and have her live with us. I don't think she would be happy, and i know no one else in the house has the patience to deal with her. We would all be miserable. I'm gonna be a mess when she passes. An utter emotional wreck. Everything that has been dammed up, will overflow. Everything will come crashing through....I just hope I get what I need when its time. Arms to catch me when my knees finally buckle. It hurts. "My mom doesn't know me anymore..."