I got a gift, from a good friend of mine. A little back story here. This friend, went on a cruise. He had stated that he was gonna bring back souvenirs, which he really didn't have to. He finally came back, after being gone for like nine days. He told me he got everyone something, and, as always, my inner child came out. I WANTED to bounce and go "Whatisit? *bouncebouncebounce*", but I didn't. I waited patiently while he got acclimated, and idly mentioned it, and how i was curious on what he got me. So, I went up to his room to find out.
See, I've been wanting a K-BAR for a long time. A brand new one is $90, so I was saving up for it. He had a sheathed knife in his hand, and it was a K-BAR. This one is special though. This one, that he was holding, saved his life, and another soldiers life. It has been used. It is very special to him. I almost didn't accept it, because of this. Because it was special to him. But he mentioned it brought back bad memories. I don't like when people have bad memories remembered, and I didn't want to dishonor him by refusing. So I accepted it.
It means a whole lot for that knife to be given to me by him. To have such a special object be handed to me, regardless of the bad memories. I swore to him it wasn't leaving my possession for the rest of my life. And it is not.
Thank you, for passing it on to me. It means a great deal to me.
An Angel
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
A fear....
Since I've become this new...person?...No. Opened up more, I've exposed myself a lot. That shell of coolness, of nothing bothering me. Layer of protection I've kept in place for a long time, I had to let it down, as it was also holding things in. My insecurities, the "Am I good enough?" type of questions. The thought of the two most important people playing with others, scares me. It rakes claws over my insecurities. The thought makes me feel inadaquate. It makes me real jealous, like this other person has something to offer I can't give. No, I'm not a 120lb twinkboi, like I used to be. I can change that if absolutely necessary. I'm not that cute 16 year old in my yearbook anymore. I wear glasses, contacts when I can. My teeth suck, so I don't smile a lot. I'm sorry if all of this makes you want to play with others. To seek that twink butt somewhere else. The firm perfectly round butt I had a long time ago. I will do my best to bring it back. But please don't cast me aside, for those reasons. Its how I felt when you did go play with others.
I don't want to sound whiny, or needy. I definitely don't want to sound insecure. I've thought about this for a couple of weeks, so I don't sound so clingy, or needy. Or "I'm chaining you to us." type of thing. But there is no way around that I don't think. Even though its gonna sound needy, I truly don't mean it. I want to ask if you to promise your now two subs to not play with anyone else unless they are a true potential mate. If you were to do that now, even if you had, and I learned about it much later, it would hurt a lot. A lot of trust would be lost.
I tend to go up after you go to bed, and see if you're sleeping, or humping Draggie. Just to sate my own insecurity. You've told me you were going to bed before, and ended up humping Draggie. Then going to bed. If I were to ever walk in, or see you doing such, especially after the past couple of weeks, I honestly don't know how I would react. I truly don't. I do know I'd be devastated beyond anything that has happened to me in my life. If you were to find a potential mate, and say "Hey...I really like this person. A lot. I would like you guys to meet them." and then play with them at some point, as long as it wasn't hidden like it was with Draggie, while I would still feel a little insecure, I would hold that back so you can develop that relationship into something. If they were some twink you just met, it would be tons harder for me to handle. Non twink, not so hard. If you fell for a woman, not hard at all.
To that question, of your promise, your response was this: "I would do that for both of you." It made me cry. To finally be that important to someone, to feel wanted enough for them to say such. One of the happier days of my Life. It felt good to be that close to someone, to mean that much to them. And most of all, to you. I Love you.
I woke up this morning in a panic. I didn't feel you in the house, so I had thought you were gone. I thought of all possibilities, and then I realized you were at work. I felt safe. "Oh. Hes at work. Ok. *smile and fall back asleep*" This is how attached I am to you. How much I care. How much, I've realized, I need this in my life. I've been looking for this for a long time. Yes, you're new at it. Everyone was a newbie at one point in time. Even me. Waking up this morning not knowing where you were, as I didn't see you in your bed, scared the hell out of me. No, i didn't get out of bed and run upstairs. Though I was tempted to. A lot.
I don't want to sound whiny, or needy. I definitely don't want to sound insecure. I've thought about this for a couple of weeks, so I don't sound so clingy, or needy. Or "I'm chaining you to us." type of thing. But there is no way around that I don't think. Even though its gonna sound needy, I truly don't mean it. I want to ask if you to promise your now two subs to not play with anyone else unless they are a true potential mate. If you were to do that now, even if you had, and I learned about it much later, it would hurt a lot. A lot of trust would be lost.
I tend to go up after you go to bed, and see if you're sleeping, or humping Draggie. Just to sate my own insecurity. You've told me you were going to bed before, and ended up humping Draggie. Then going to bed. If I were to ever walk in, or see you doing such, especially after the past couple of weeks, I honestly don't know how I would react. I truly don't. I do know I'd be devastated beyond anything that has happened to me in my life. If you were to find a potential mate, and say "Hey...I really like this person. A lot. I would like you guys to meet them." and then play with them at some point, as long as it wasn't hidden like it was with Draggie, while I would still feel a little insecure, I would hold that back so you can develop that relationship into something. If they were some twink you just met, it would be tons harder for me to handle. Non twink, not so hard. If you fell for a woman, not hard at all.
To that question, of your promise, your response was this: "I would do that for both of you." It made me cry. To finally be that important to someone, to feel wanted enough for them to say such. One of the happier days of my Life. It felt good to be that close to someone, to mean that much to them. And most of all, to you. I Love you.
I woke up this morning in a panic. I didn't feel you in the house, so I had thought you were gone. I thought of all possibilities, and then I realized you were at work. I felt safe. "Oh. Hes at work. Ok. *smile and fall back asleep*" This is how attached I am to you. How much I care. How much, I've realized, I need this in my life. I've been looking for this for a long time. Yes, you're new at it. Everyone was a newbie at one point in time. Even me. Waking up this morning not knowing where you were, as I didn't see you in your bed, scared the hell out of me. No, i didn't get out of bed and run upstairs. Though I was tempted to. A lot.
Friday, April 12, 2013
A letter of ... Intent?...of Me.
For a small while now, I've been exposed to my owner, Spike. I've opened fully to Him, and in by doing so, I hope to further the relationship we have going. I realized I wasn't opening enough to him, due to my instinct to protect myself, from all sorts of things, like broken hearts, disappointment, and related emotions. I've got a history of not dealing with those things, to the point, as my psychologist once said: "You have a near phobia fear of dealing with difficult emotions." So I opened myself completely, and it took quite a bit for that shell to crack. I'm opened that crack, and took a piece out of that egg shell, and hopefully that shell can come down, and I can show him what true submission, in my eyes, is.
This list of questions is the beginning of that teardown.
Tell me about yourself.
My name is Ghost Tiger. That has been shortened to Ghostie, and then Ghotieboi. I'm 33 years old, and I enjoy lots of things. I can be perfectly self sustainable if required. I've got a lot in my past that will need wading through. A couple of people who have helped me is Charles, my boyfriend, and Spike, the one who has me collared. I'm capable of a level of submission not seen anymore, to my knowledge. I want to show Him what it is like, and hopefully open his eyes, and his mind, to this level.
What do you mean when you ask me to dominate you?
I want you to have the final decision in almost every aspect of my waking life. From wearing cock cages, to the way I dress, my actions of what I do in my free time. How to address you, make your life easier. I also want to be held, petted. Should I stand up when you come downstairs, or wherever I'm sitting? Give my seat to you? Of course, only when I'm not working. Drive you places, be it in your car, or mine? Make your calls, or if you don't want to talk to someone any longer, should I intervene? These are the things that appeal to me, and I would love to put this into practice.
When you ask that I dominate you, what are you proposing?
Take control. If you don't like what I'm wearing, have me change into something you want to see. If I don't have that item, I will make sure to get it when I can. My hair? want it blue, just tell me, and I will make it happen. If there is something you want me to do, tell me to. if I don't, punish me somehow. Also, be there when I am down. If you notice me not being myself, don't ask me if I'm ok, I will simply say yes. Tell me you know I'm distressed, then proceed to find out whats going on. Be it thoughts of my Mother, or something at work. If I'm pushed, I will tell you.
What are you offering me? Service? What sort of service? Casual S&M play? A relationship?
I'm offering you Me. Service, a relationship of a Master and his sub boi. The connections that can be made, felt, seen. You've got my loyalty already. If there was some reason you came into bodily harm, and I was there, they wouldn't be able to get to you. I would protect you. Me being stronger doesn't have to be a set back. Advice? I've got a lot. Wisdom? I've been told I'm extremely insightful. I don't have a lot of material to offer. I do have a lot of heart though. Passion.
What sort of relationship would you like this to be? Monogamous and sexual? Strictly play? Strictly service? 24/7?
24/7 service. If I'm not at work, I want to be yours. Yes, there will be times I want to do my own thing. I don't want to sit there at your feet, and wait on you hand and foot. I don't want to actively wait in your room while you're playing games, or watching something on TV. Out in the stores, or errands, take control. Want me walking behind you? Tell me. I want this connection we have to grow. I feel in my heart that we are headed there since Draggie came. You're right. He was a huge catalyst for this. If not for him, we wouldn't be at this point.
How experienced are you?
Online only, up until you collared me in real life. My online experience, I've been told I'm a dying type of person. That I'm a True Submissive. I don't submit or serve because i was taught. I don't submit because I am told to, nor because it is expected of me. I serve and Submit because I love, and respect my Master.
What hasn't worked for you as much?
Lying and deceit. Hiding things, because you may think it might hurt me. Keeping things hidden hurt me more than simply telling me the truth.
Tell me one of your fantasies.
To be truly taken by my Master. Made helpless, and then taken, and while being taken, calling you Master. Being the only one, or one of two, that you do take.
If we play, how will you react? Will you laugh? Will you cry? Will you get quiet? Will you seem angry?
I get quiet when I'm being taken. I may moan quietly, but it will be rather quiet. I may begin to quietly ask you to cum inside of me. I will also quietly call you Master when I do so.
What are your limits?
No physical violence. No emotional abuse (calling me names, and being serious). Nothing that is an offshoot of these things. Calling me Sub, Pet, or anything like that is ok.
These things are what I think would make things more exciting for both of us, and develop a deeper connection. I know you're a rather sexual person, and I'm trying to get up there so you don't have to look elsewhere for it. I do feel, after the other night, and after everything that has happened since, you did go somewhere else, that I would be destroyed. I'd be extremely hurt. After the blogs, and me coming out of the shell I made myself, and making myself appealing to you enough to ask me to present myself, I'd get real hurt if you did go to someone who wasn't your boy/girl friend. I've set everything out now. *hug*
This list of questions is the beginning of that teardown.
Tell me about yourself.
My name is Ghost Tiger. That has been shortened to Ghostie, and then Ghotieboi. I'm 33 years old, and I enjoy lots of things. I can be perfectly self sustainable if required. I've got a lot in my past that will need wading through. A couple of people who have helped me is Charles, my boyfriend, and Spike, the one who has me collared. I'm capable of a level of submission not seen anymore, to my knowledge. I want to show Him what it is like, and hopefully open his eyes, and his mind, to this level.
What do you mean when you ask me to dominate you?
I want you to have the final decision in almost every aspect of my waking life. From wearing cock cages, to the way I dress, my actions of what I do in my free time. How to address you, make your life easier. I also want to be held, petted. Should I stand up when you come downstairs, or wherever I'm sitting? Give my seat to you? Of course, only when I'm not working. Drive you places, be it in your car, or mine? Make your calls, or if you don't want to talk to someone any longer, should I intervene? These are the things that appeal to me, and I would love to put this into practice.
When you ask that I dominate you, what are you proposing?
Take control. If you don't like what I'm wearing, have me change into something you want to see. If I don't have that item, I will make sure to get it when I can. My hair? want it blue, just tell me, and I will make it happen. If there is something you want me to do, tell me to. if I don't, punish me somehow. Also, be there when I am down. If you notice me not being myself, don't ask me if I'm ok, I will simply say yes. Tell me you know I'm distressed, then proceed to find out whats going on. Be it thoughts of my Mother, or something at work. If I'm pushed, I will tell you.
What are you offering me? Service? What sort of service? Casual S&M play? A relationship?
I'm offering you Me. Service, a relationship of a Master and his sub boi. The connections that can be made, felt, seen. You've got my loyalty already. If there was some reason you came into bodily harm, and I was there, they wouldn't be able to get to you. I would protect you. Me being stronger doesn't have to be a set back. Advice? I've got a lot. Wisdom? I've been told I'm extremely insightful. I don't have a lot of material to offer. I do have a lot of heart though. Passion.
What sort of relationship would you like this to be? Monogamous and sexual? Strictly play? Strictly service? 24/7?
24/7 service. If I'm not at work, I want to be yours. Yes, there will be times I want to do my own thing. I don't want to sit there at your feet, and wait on you hand and foot. I don't want to actively wait in your room while you're playing games, or watching something on TV. Out in the stores, or errands, take control. Want me walking behind you? Tell me. I want this connection we have to grow. I feel in my heart that we are headed there since Draggie came. You're right. He was a huge catalyst for this. If not for him, we wouldn't be at this point.
How experienced are you?
Online only, up until you collared me in real life. My online experience, I've been told I'm a dying type of person. That I'm a True Submissive. I don't submit or serve because i was taught. I don't submit because I am told to, nor because it is expected of me. I serve and Submit because I love, and respect my Master.
What hasn't worked for you as much?
Lying and deceit. Hiding things, because you may think it might hurt me. Keeping things hidden hurt me more than simply telling me the truth.
Tell me one of your fantasies.
To be truly taken by my Master. Made helpless, and then taken, and while being taken, calling you Master. Being the only one, or one of two, that you do take.
If we play, how will you react? Will you laugh? Will you cry? Will you get quiet? Will you seem angry?
I get quiet when I'm being taken. I may moan quietly, but it will be rather quiet. I may begin to quietly ask you to cum inside of me. I will also quietly call you Master when I do so.
What are your limits?
No physical violence. No emotional abuse (calling me names, and being serious). Nothing that is an offshoot of these things. Calling me Sub, Pet, or anything like that is ok.
These things are what I think would make things more exciting for both of us, and develop a deeper connection. I know you're a rather sexual person, and I'm trying to get up there so you don't have to look elsewhere for it. I do feel, after the other night, and after everything that has happened since, you did go somewhere else, that I would be destroyed. I'd be extremely hurt. After the blogs, and me coming out of the shell I made myself, and making myself appealing to you enough to ask me to present myself, I'd get real hurt if you did go to someone who wasn't your boy/girl friend. I've set everything out now. *hug*
Thursday, April 4, 2013
I won't give up...
The other day, on the 19th of March to be exact, was the one year anniversary. I posted about that last time. I wanted to get Him something. I had no idea what to do. Since then, after pondering it for a while, I have figured out what to give Spike. Its nothing physical, unless its the collar around my neck. It is a link to, what I think, is a beautiful song. Saying things I choke up when wanting to say, even if its typed. So, Spike, here is my anniversary gift to you.
I won't Give Up
Spike please listen to this. the past week has been tough for me, with all of my little thoughts running in my head. When I learned that you and Draggie played, then were what I thought was playing, I got hurt. I didn't see if you were clothed when I went up there to let you know we were going to Wal-Mart. I just assumed you were playing again. I still think you were, as I can't get that out of my head. After coming home, and sitting here, I was getting angry, and I almost took it out on Wuffs. So I left to go driving. I played this song over and over, as I cried. My mind was a mess. It was so jumbled, and for once I couldn't form a single thought. I love you a lot. You've done things for me only others had said they would do. You actually did them.
I'm not going to give up. I want to be your sub. I know I already am. When we were talking earlier today, I was honest. Those things I said, they would happen. I don't know why. You should have a mate. You should be able to love another person, as your last Love left prematurely. (R.I.P.) There are times where I feel that urge, to just stop whatever it is I'm doing and just sit in your lap, like that one night. Gods that was awesome. Gently being petted, outstanding.
The picture you had made for me, made me cry. Yes, in a good way. I saw it that first time, tears welled in my eyes instantly. Like, right away. I was touched so deep in my heart. That picture captured everything. I love it, and it will be getting printed and framed. It will be one of the closest possessions I have. Thank you. I wish I had something to give in return, except a link to a song.
My biggest fear, lately, is that I will be tossed aside for something, or someone new and shiny. Its happened to me, through Ezekieal. It crushed me then, I don't know what it would do to me now, if that happened. Its why I got/get scared sometimes (most times) when you go off with people, at a friends place, Draggie, or with others in Second Life. No. I'm not saying this to make you stop. I just want you to know how I feel. This is the best way I can. Like you said to me the other day, this is hard for me. I want you to have a mate. I do. If it is Draggie, I don't know what I would do. Mich wasn't such a big deal, but I dunno why Draggie is. Maybe its the fear of losing that place in your heart. I've not been in a lot of peoples hearts, and it feels good. I don't want to lose that. I'm more afraid of losing that spot, than you are scared of me leaving. I wouldn't leave, ever, unless I felt pushed away, replaced. Like Batty said, I'm more attached to you than I ever thought.
Want you in my life...
I won't Give Up
Spike please listen to this. the past week has been tough for me, with all of my little thoughts running in my head. When I learned that you and Draggie played, then were what I thought was playing, I got hurt. I didn't see if you were clothed when I went up there to let you know we were going to Wal-Mart. I just assumed you were playing again. I still think you were, as I can't get that out of my head. After coming home, and sitting here, I was getting angry, and I almost took it out on Wuffs. So I left to go driving. I played this song over and over, as I cried. My mind was a mess. It was so jumbled, and for once I couldn't form a single thought. I love you a lot. You've done things for me only others had said they would do. You actually did them.
I'm not going to give up. I want to be your sub. I know I already am. When we were talking earlier today, I was honest. Those things I said, they would happen. I don't know why. You should have a mate. You should be able to love another person, as your last Love left prematurely. (R.I.P.) There are times where I feel that urge, to just stop whatever it is I'm doing and just sit in your lap, like that one night. Gods that was awesome. Gently being petted, outstanding.
The picture you had made for me, made me cry. Yes, in a good way. I saw it that first time, tears welled in my eyes instantly. Like, right away. I was touched so deep in my heart. That picture captured everything. I love it, and it will be getting printed and framed. It will be one of the closest possessions I have. Thank you. I wish I had something to give in return, except a link to a song.
My biggest fear, lately, is that I will be tossed aside for something, or someone new and shiny. Its happened to me, through Ezekieal. It crushed me then, I don't know what it would do to me now, if that happened. Its why I got/get scared sometimes (most times) when you go off with people, at a friends place, Draggie, or with others in Second Life. No. I'm not saying this to make you stop. I just want you to know how I feel. This is the best way I can. Like you said to me the other day, this is hard for me. I want you to have a mate. I do. If it is Draggie, I don't know what I would do. Mich wasn't such a big deal, but I dunno why Draggie is. Maybe its the fear of losing that place in your heart. I've not been in a lot of peoples hearts, and it feels good. I don't want to lose that. I'm more afraid of losing that spot, than you are scared of me leaving. I wouldn't leave, ever, unless I felt pushed away, replaced. Like Batty said, I'm more attached to you than I ever thought.
Want you in my life...
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