A fear....

Since I've become this new...person?...No. Opened up more, I've exposed myself a lot. That shell of coolness, of nothing bothering me. Layer of protection I've kept in place for a long time, I had to let it down, as it was also holding things in. My insecurities, the "Am I good enough?" type of questions. The thought of the two most important people playing with others, scares me. It rakes claws over my insecurities. The thought makes me feel inadaquate. It makes me real jealous, like this other person has something to offer I can't give. No, I'm not a 120lb twinkboi, like I used to be. I can change that if absolutely necessary. I'm not that cute 16 year old in my yearbook anymore. I wear glasses, contacts when I can. My teeth suck, so I don't smile a lot. I'm sorry if all of this makes you want to play with others. To seek that twink butt somewhere else. The firm perfectly round butt I had a long time ago. I will do my best to bring it back. But please don't cast me aside, for those reasons. Its how I felt when you did go play with others.

I don't want to sound whiny, or needy. I definitely don't want to sound insecure. I've thought about this for a couple of weeks, so I don't sound so clingy, or needy. Or "I'm chaining you to us." type of thing. But there is no way around that I don't think. Even though its gonna sound needy, I truly don't mean it. I want to ask if you to promise your now two subs to not play with anyone else unless they are a true potential mate. If you were to do that now, even if you had, and I learned about it much later, it would hurt a lot. A lot of trust would be lost.

I tend to go up after you go to bed, and see if you're sleeping, or humping Draggie. Just to sate my own insecurity. You've told me you were going to bed before, and ended up humping Draggie. Then going to bed. If I were to ever walk in, or see you doing such, especially after the past couple of weeks, I honestly don't know how I would react. I truly don't. I do know I'd be devastated beyond anything that has happened to me in my life. If you were to find a potential mate, and say "Hey...I really like this person. A lot. I would like you guys to meet them." and then play with them at some point, as long as it wasn't hidden like it was with Draggie, while I would still feel a little insecure, I would hold that back so you can develop that relationship into something. If they were some twink you just met, it would be tons harder for me to handle. Non twink, not so hard. If you fell for a woman, not hard at all.

To that question, of your promise, your response was this: "I would do that for both of you." It made me cry. To finally be that important to someone, to feel wanted enough for them to say such. One of the happier days of my Life. It felt good to be that close to someone, to mean that much to them. And most of all, to you. I Love you.

I woke up this morning in a panic. I didn't feel you in the house, so I had thought you were gone. I thought of all possibilities, and then I realized you were at work. I felt safe. "Oh. Hes at work. Ok. *smile and fall back asleep*" This is how attached I am to you. How much I care. How much, I've realized, I need this in my life. I've been looking for this for a long time. Yes, you're new at it. Everyone was a newbie at one point in time. Even me. Waking up this morning not knowing where you were, as I didn't see you in your bed, scared the hell out of me. No, i didn't get out of bed and run upstairs. Though I was tempted to. A lot.