What 2013 Holds for me...

2012.

A year filled with new experiences, met new people. New experiences.

2012.

A year that will haunt me for years to come. A letting go of someone i hold dear, even though others still hate her. A lot has happened this year.

My mother was taken from her home by the state of Nevada, and put into a assisted living home. It was for the best, but it still haunts me. She knows where she is at. She still asks if she can come home. I don't call her often, as it always brings me to tears. I don't really think of it that much, for much of the same reason. There are times where I wish with all of my heart she was still that explosive woman back in early 2000. She was vibrant. Got perms. I truly hope when she passes, she passes quietly, and without grief.

2013.

As of me typing this, 5hrs 44min. It will open a new expanse of the world for me. Of the many things I would like to do, get a 24hr Fitness membership. I need to get back in shape again. Not to simply lose weight. (I weigh 149 compared to 125 back in 2008) But I would really like to get in good shape again. Also, to get in shape to be wearing my fursuit when I get it. Also, my heart and body isn't as strong as they used to be. I was able to lift around 1,500lbs with my legs in 2000, when I was at Job Corps, in Stead NV. I was in great shape then. Mile in under 4min 30sec. 28" waist size (though i wore 30" waist pants)...I miss that. So, I am gonna get a gym membership at 24hr fitness, and strive to get to that once more. I will feel great once more. Also look better too hehe.

I've also had time to think about things. No, not the whole where is my life going thing. I'm not worried about that. I know where its going. I had a thought. In the times like the game Skyrim is set, and whatnot, I do believe i would have survived a while. Swords, shields, magic. The like. I could see myself becoming an assassin, or a mage. In my current game, I'm the Archmage of Stormhold, and my sneaking level is 97. I'm part of the assassins guild as well. Maybe not kill dragons, but I would befriend them. They are Wise, and intelligent. They have lived thousands of years, whereas man has lived by a small grain comparatively. I would learn from them. I would intentionally learn their language, to respect them. So much knowledge.

"Dragons never existed!"
Beleive it or not, ALL fairy tales come from some truth. We, as the human race, have fallen to such a level where we can't even comprehend what it would be like if a dragon could be real. I would spend the rest of my living days to learn from him. And not even learn its Magics. Just LEARN form it.

"Dragons are Evil!!"
No. They are not. Humankind trespassed against their lands. Forced them to hide, so they weren't feared. Then, they became legend, then myth, then fairytales.

"They were never here on earth!!"
Probably not. Who said WE came from this earth? Who said, for sure, that God, or whomever made us here? Think Stargate SG1. Who said that didn't actually happen? For all we know, this is not our home world. Who says there wasn't magic a couple thousand years ago? A few millenia ago? Maybe not as magic is portrayed now, but certainly magic nonetheless. "Advanced Technology is seen as Magic to those that do not know." A very true saying. Keep your mind open to any possibility, and you will be surprised at what you see.

Finally

I will be getting a fur suit. After just a couple months of realizing what exactly it means to be a furry. I've been one all my life I've realized. Pretending to have cat ears and tail. Pouncing. Wanting to be an ewok when I was 4 years old. I will be a Siamese feline.

I was talking to Spike the other day, about his new suit. He made a new fursona. A snow leopard. Playful, spontaneous. I wanted to put my entire check on the down for mine. We kind of argued about it, ectect. Then, he said something that shut me up.

"I was going to put $1,000 down on your suit as your Christmas present, when I did mine, which is why I was pushing for you to get a quote."

Those that know me know how hard it is for me to become speechless. I had nothing to respond with. No retaliation. Not once did I think that he would do this for me. I don't usually become speechless. I kinda teared up, then talked to the person who I have making my suit. we went into some details about what he needed, measurements or duct tape dummies, furs, ectect. I had no idea what to say to him after that. No, I'm not saying this to make anyone jealous. Not my intention at all. Then why am I putting this down? Because I wanted to share that one of my dreams were coming true. Not to say "neener neener I got a fursuit" .. no....Not that. Finally...I can be me in this fur suit.... :) I can't wait.

Ohai

I wrote on my Facebook page a few days ago about how I was thankful this past Thursday. It wasn't meant to hurt anyone, nor be anywhere near judgmental to anyone. I just wanted to express my feelings almost the only way I know how, and it still hurt someone. I hate hurting people, because of the way I am. I have been told by many people that my words, if need be, are like razors. They cut cleanly and very deep. I'm sorry. I don't know how I learned to be this way. Or how I am able to do this. One of the biggest reasons I do what I do. Stonewall my feelings inside. Keep what I really think about many things to myself. The result of me not doing so a few weeks ago, caused my boyfriend to cry for an hour and a half. I cried too...while I was laying in bed hiding. I hate making people feel like that. I was like that last night too. I have no idea why. After work, something triggered me to slip into a real bad mood. I don't know what it was. I wanted to hide. Just go be alone for a while. To do my own thing without being expected to do something. So i tried to bury in my games. Tried to hide. It didn't quite work. I dunno why. No one did anything to me to get me into a bad mood. I just suddenly wanted to run. Maybe its because I can't give whats expected from me...

I don't get truly ... ready ... for things. I'm not a very sexually oriented person. Not for a while. Even in Second Life I'm not. And I could be several thing in there. Neko, twink, cat, big bad wolf, anything. I get to bend over, or bend over several if i wanted to, aside my my BF. But I don't want to. I don't feel the need. Its not very appealing. Even when i look at porn, yea I get hard, but then it goes away, and its blah. He says its not hurting anything, but hes lying. He gets really expectant of me most nights, and I don't want to do anything sexual. Makes him upset and whatnot. He knows about all of this, yet I still can't help but see him get mad or whatnot. I wish I was sexual, but I'm not. Not as much as he wants me to be. We don't do enough things to keep him sated, so he goes elsewhere. Which I totally understand, and truly don't blame him. I still get jealous beyond though. That others give him what I can not. Even though he doesn't mean to, I still don't feel very boyfriendish when that happens. I cover it up a lot though.

Then, he makes this person feel like crap a lot of the time. Like, enjoying a peice of piano. "Aww you stopped. I was liking it a lot." and my boyfriends response, "Thats nice.. >:c *plant in front of puter*" like...really? I wish he would stop. Yea, smartassness is abound, and abundant, but holy hell. Yea, he was also a dick about something, but thats over, and done with. He knows how it made you feel.  I just wish the two would stop being so goddamned stubborn. Seriously. Its freaking Christmas time. Not the time to make sure everyone knows you have money, and they don't. Not the time to hold grudges about anything. If I had one Christmas wish, it would be those two getting along extremely well.

Another would be my mom getting better. Jesus Christ. I was looking at pictures of her on my phone, and on facebook. Dancing to the music that was on the TV. It like stabbed me over and over again, reminding me what happened. In two weeks today, is my mothers B-day. She will be 62 years old. I have a mug that she had some tea in the day she got taken to the home. I also have many pictures of hers, that if she were in a better place, I would mail her. But she would lose them there. Its becoming harder to just swallow the lump in my throat that forms when I think about her, or see a picture of her when I was working at Radio Shack 12 years ago. Such a strong woman. I miss it, and her. I wish I could bring her out here, and have her live with us. I don't think she would be happy, and i know no one else in the house has the patience to deal with her. We would all be miserable. I'm gonna be a mess when she passes. An utter emotional wreck. Everything that has been dammed up, will overflow. Everything will come crashing through....I just hope I get what I need when its time. Arms to catch me when my knees finally buckle. It hurts. "My mom doesn't know me anymore..."

hi..

I'm still around. Finally got a job with Convergys working on their Directv project. I get some nice perks. Finally have a job. Its a good feeling to finally work.

Last weekend, this past Saturday, the feeling of being alone swept over me. Just sitting here, enjoying my time off, and I then felt lost. So alone. Yea, I have a boyfriend, love him so much. An owner who is trying hard. I still logged into IOS, Second Life, and Star Trek Online all at the same time. I was looking for something, I don't know what. A longing perhaps. Just a deep seeded need. They get so worried about me when I become a little upset. What would they do if I just sat in a dark room and cried? Not cry, but break down, and let the damn of held back emotions just break free? There's days where I want to do just that. Just to go into the washroom, turn off the light, and just cry. I've had several dreams lately, where my mom was let out of the home she was put in. She had an apartment at the place where I lived before I moved in with Spike. And every time I went to go hug her, or comfort her, someone ALWAYS got in the way. And you know, even in my dreams, I seem to control my emotions, to where they are a trickle, instead of bursting out. I don't like others worrying about me, when there's more important things to worry about. Like rent, or the bills. Or food. Charles is coming close to understanding me mostly. Spike, he is trying so hard. I've always just put up a very high and 10 foot thick adamantium wall around my heart when I feel vulnerable. But I hate acting like there is one, cause it makes people feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me, or feel bad for saying hi to me, or stuff, and I hate that.

Spike had asked me a question a few days ago, about what about him annoys me sometimes. He wanted an honest answer. I had told him that all of those things he did to me, those deceptions, lies, half truths, there are days where I want to be an utter and complete ass to him, JUST out of spite. To make him feel as shitty as he made me feel. To utterly unleash what I always hold back. Scathing remarks, sarcasm enough to make him blink. But I don't, because it would hurt him. Yea, I have enough right to do so, according to a LOT of people whom I talked about it to. But I still don't. Why? I don't know. I really don't like making people feel like they make me feel. I really really don't. There are days where I want to stab people in the eye with a hot soldering iron. JUST for being without common sense. Or to go on a 'get the fuck out of my sight' spree. I don't. Other days I want to be extraordinarily violent. I just want to put my hand through a wall, or a support beam. Just to vent some of that rage I have inside. All the rage that has been building up since I was 9. I can not though. I'm the strongest one in the house. With all the adrenaline going into my blood, I'd be extremely dangerous, deadly. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It is why I don't get angry or mad very often. People would get hurt. Especially when my car broke down, on the freeway, after picking up Charles from his friends hotel.

Yea, the turbo in my car blew almost apart. The impeller blew into the catalytic converters. Needless to say, I couldn't contain that anger. I was over 60mi. away from my friend Palmer, and I blew everything he had up to protect himself away. Gave him a headache, and made my own wardings on my home glow some.My sister, a thousand or so miles away, felt that wave. Sustained it for a long while, cause I was just so....pissed the hell off. No one here really realizes how mad I was. I just wish I could vent sometimes...jsut to blow off steam....no one can handle it though....

A pulling....

A pulling of my heart, a feeling in my stomach that something is going to change, whether I want it to or not. Magically, psychically, inside. I went to a store the other day, looking for a book. I asked the lady for this book, she didn't have it in her store. So I looked around the store, and saw him. He was sitting in a case. I looked for a price, but didn't see one. And I stared. He spoke to me, not in my mind, but in the fiber of my being. Ikthys's. Yea, this is sounding weird. I know it is. But you know, everything happens for a reason. A double terminated quartz crystal, almost perfectly clear. Maybe a small spot or two on the inside that wasn't clear. But no one is perfect.

"Why are you talking like this thing is a person?"
Everything is aware of everything. Wavelengths of the consciousness. Some are long, like the trees and rocks. Some are fast, like the humming bird. And the human.

This crystal I was seeing, was telling me to buy it. It said "You're buying me this time. Its time to start getting ready."

"How can things talk to you? Like this crystal?"
All you have to do is listen. Everything talks. It is just us humans NEVER slow down enough to listen. For the first time in a long time, something spoke to me like that. So I bought it. I pulled money out of my fursuit card, and got a one time deal of $30 on this crystal.

Then, it pulled me to the Garden of the Gods. I was following my inner eye. I HAD to get to the GotG. There was no question. I get there, and start hiking to a spot. Something told me to get there. So I wandered around a particular area. The crystal showed me where I needed to go somewhat. I went there, and then it guided me. So I wandered around the area until I found the right spot. Ikthys's. Then I set the crystal on the rock, near a rose quartz that was firmly stuck in place, but able to be seen. And then I meditated.

Energy. The energy that was in my crystal when I bought it was tainted and old. It wasn't his energy. He was desperate to get rid of it. So I did. I expelled that old tainted energy from him, and his own shined bright against the aether. It was a pure energy. Then I tuned his to my own. A brilliant white-blue energy. I looked at myself when I did this. I sat about seven feet in the air, about six feet north west. And I saw myself there. My real self.

"To dream that you have the wings of an angel indicate your sweet, angelic quality. Or you may be in need of some protection from life's stresses and problems." - www.dreammoods.com 

Except I didn't dream them this time. I was shown, and I saw. It may have been only for an instant, but I saw it. A white-blue aura was around my body, and my crystal shined to almost blinding intensity of the same color. 

A conversation I had with a person:

• • 
    
• 
  

  August 24

  Matthew Ford

  • How can one tell if another is an angel?
• 
  

  August 24

  Joseph Zaba

  • well we are all angels .. spirit beings with great love an magickal powers .. da prob be we are stuck in bodysuits ina state of amnesia down here inda matrix
  • no such thing as a soul be more angel than another .. der be no favorites in Big Mamas fam
  • time 4 awakening inda matrix neo ...
• 
  

  August 24

  Matthew Ford

  • *nods* Are some more aware of that than others? I dunno if you remember, but I'm the one who had said I dreamt I was an angel...
• 
  

  August 24

  Joseph Zaba

  • yes sum (you) .. are ... a tricky thing to be too aware ... rest yer mind an nurture yerslf an do fun things .. our spirit family will guide us to our awakening all we gotta do is stay tuned in thru spiuritual practise an disciplin .. gotta run bro .. namaste an thanks 4 da chat!
    
    

(names and pics appear before chat, if you have trouble reading...)

I've dreamed a few times that I have wings of an angel. I saw myself with white wings...maybe the above meaning is true. That I do have a real sweet and angelic personality, and I need protection. I don't know. I just know, that I saw myself with wings of white...the Wings of an Angel.

So!!! Things are becoming better.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a Sub class that dealt with Negotiating. I learned a lot of stuff in that class. Not only is communication THE key to this, so is honesty. If one of the sides are not sure, they need to say so about what it is you're negotiating. For example: Master Paul and his Sub acted out a scene, where they met up, and had coffee. They negotiated going over to Master Paul's house, for a small scene. The sub brought a friend, and was tied up, before the sub was handcuffed to the wall. The scene basically pointed out that there was a miss communication. Negotiations are a way of getting to know someone's limits, either hard or soft. To find the triggers of potentially bad situations. There was a lot of things learned in this class. One thing I learned, is that Most Doms can do a scene at your comfort level. Just because you see one playing rough with a sub, does NOT mean that is the only way s/he does scenes. They are able to become gentle, or more rough, if that is what you wish. I knew this in the back of my head, but I didn't really KNOW it. I always they were always were just that one way. The important part is making sure you are communicating your vision to the other party, while making sure you keep in mind that they are doing the same thing. I've yet to play with a Dom quite yet. My own, more of an on going small power exchange type of thing. Nothing extreme, yet. I've asked that more protocol be involved. Things like, walking behind him, or sitting next to him during dinner (though that will be very hard when at work). But I myself need to learn what kinds of protocol exists, and to experiment with them. I hope that he will be doing these things, the whole protocol thing. I have the knowledge to be a sub, but I would love to have the experience as well. It feels like that would fill a missing piece in my soul, or something of that sort.

On another note, who knows about a man called Moordach Nythroe? No one? he was around six feet tall, light brown hair, bordering on dark blonde. He was a protector. One who came to this earth around 15,000 years ago. Sent here, for some reason. The town he protected, the people thought he was some sort of god. He was able to make fire come from his hands, fly without birds wings. Heal wounds that would otherwise cripple a person. He didn't have any magical powers. This was all done on faith. "Faith in God you mean?" Maybe. Mind over matter. Faith that his will was strong enough to heal, protect. Sometimes, the towns folk asked if he had wings, because they swore they saw wings on his back when he walked away. Was it their imagination? Or were they really there? Moordach Nythroe, is from Sirius. I don't know what planet, but i feel a pull back to that place. A place of wonderous technology. A place where there is peace, finally. Moordach has been tormented since he arrived, because of the constant war this planet is having. War against each other, for the smallest of things. Boundries. Oil. Moordach, is me. It is my first life on this planet that I remember. My very first incarnation. I know there are previous ones, as I have 'dreamed' them. I sat in my chair back in Nevada, and suddenly said, out of no where, "There IS life around Sirius...how do I know this for certain?" I feel it with every fibre of my being. Like I'm being called. And, I've been there. They saw my spirit form. I almost went back one time, but I was stopped. Yea, i know this sounds crazy as hell. But I dreamed I was looking over a stargate, like from SG-1. except horizontal. I was escorted through this ice chamber. I looked down, and I was told "You will not be able to return here, if you go through. You will be going to your real home though..." I had put my foot over the edge, and was about to step off, when I woke up. Now, if that was a dream, why do I remember it so vividly? After 7 years? The color of the room was ice. SG-1 team members, from the show, were there. Carter, she was with me at the top, telling me I wouldn't be able to return. The Colonel, he escorted me to Carter. T'ealc, he was standing guard. I can't remember the civilians name, but he was up higher, nodding to me. I looked into all of their eyes, and I KNEW it was my people. Dream? I doubt it. Gives you something to think about at least.

RMFC

Rocky Mountain Furry Convention, a.k.a, RMFC.

I went to this furcon this year. It was life changing. How? I was able to be around others that were like me. A furry. Like the Renaissance Festival earlier this year, this Con was the MOST fun I've had. I loved it. The above picture, I will tell you who they are later in this post.

Me and my mate took close to 375 pictures of this convention. Most of it was during the Furade, or Furry Parade. The others, were done on my phone, and were random photo ops around the Convention. I enjoyed myself so much, I was sad that the weekend ended. I met a lot of new people too. A fursuiter named Draces, Another named Growly, and more named Osiris, spinning peanut, Kotanu, and gods, so many others. Next year, I will be going as a suiter as well. Siamese house cat.

I completely enjoyed myself. The sights, sounds, the FUN I had was immense. I can't even put into words how much Fun I had. Seeing all of these people suited up, and acting so adorably cute. I had cuteness overload several times.

One was named ToxicMutt. Pink and Green florescent colors on her suit. She was completely adorable. I have the vision in my head of everything she did. From covering her face, to dancing oh so awesomely. I can't help but giggle and scritch her ears!!

And Draces!! He had Blinkie Paws!!! I LOVED his fursuit!!! I took like four photos of him IN his fursuit!! And I would love to Snuggle with him. hes so snuggleable. In my opinion at least.

All of these furries, made me feel at home. It was a convention yes, but it felt so right. The collar, cuffs. The fursuiters. My collar and Cuffs would fit over my fursuit. When I get it that is. I got this feeling of finally finding a path. A direction to move, FINALLY. I had tears sometimes at thinking that I had come into this too late. Into the fur suiting, and I'm 32. But I don't care. I finally found this direction. I will be moving forwards. I will, and I have vowed this with my own blood, get a fur suit made for me. I've wanted one for a long time, and now I finally have the chance to get one made. And then Next year, I WILL be me. The real me. The siamese cat in Second Life. Ghostie Caeran. I was holding back some, when people were shining a laser in front of me. I wanted to BE that cat, but I was also self conscious on how I would look. I didn't want to look like an idiot. But I also knew that I wasn't going to, as well. I wanted to let go. I had a drink, and I did for a little bit. But I wanna do that without that drink. So, next year, I will get fully into it. I can not wait. I wish it was a lot sooner, because I don't know what will happen between now and then. But I'm not gonna worry about that. I WILL go to the con, IN a fur suit. By my own blood, I swear this.

I also met Michy in person finally. I love his snuggles and pettings ^^ I'm so glad I got to meet him, finally. His words: "Gods damn you really are that short!" heheheh Yes I am. But its ok. You're really snuggleable Michy!! Anyways, He is down from Canada to visit Spike, his mate for a month. And he cooks!!! Oh. My. Gods. His cooking is phenomonal @_@ I LUFF IT!! *ahems* anyways, I need to sleep.

All pictures of the FurCon will be at Ghostiebois FurAffinity Page, where they will be uploaded. I have some there already, but I have a lot of pictures, so check back over the next week, as I will be adding them.

Also, in the photo up top, is Spike, my owner, and myself. :) Sweet Dreams, everyone.

Yay for Working!!

So, I just started working today. Well, preparing. Right now, I'm in an onboarding thing, with Convergys. I'm getting paid $9/hr to sit here, and this is the onboarding, training in the technology portion. Going through and making sure expectations are set, along the lines of technology used. And Internet expectiations. This is wonderful. I finally have a job. I'm actually working. I start real work on Sept. 24th. From now until then it is training.

So, the beginning of day two. Well, about an hour before I need to dial in to the conference bridge. Yesterday was rather informative. After I got off, I left the computer for a good few minutes. I also learned that the training, and transitioning will be taking place Monday through Friday. So, I may be able to go to the Furcon that Spike wants me to go to. We will see though. But now, I need sustenance, drink, and that good stuff!!!

A Night Out...

So on Friday night, June 6th, me, Charles and Spike went to a BDSM meeting. We chatted, met people, friended them on Fetlife, and all that stuffs. Me and Charles went downstairs to play pool, and listen to music. Turns out, there was a Pride type of event going on. So we watched cuties come and go. We played like 4 games of pool, each of us winning two. Then, a guy went on stage and sang "Chasing Cars". He did it perfectly. I was like :O when he was singing it, and I got lost x3. Then we went upstairs, and hung out there for a bit, talking to other BDSM'ers that we had met. Spike is gonna be going to a meeting tonight with other Doms in the area. Once we were done with that, all of us went back downstairs. Thats when me and Charles heard the rave. I went and peeked, and sure as shit, there were glowies and blinkies :O. I was ecstatic. I had finally found a rave spot. The music they were playing was awesome.  Spike and Charles got tipsy (so they say) and we all had a wonderful time. I think we had almost as much fun as we did at the Renaissance Festival. I have to say that night was extremely memorable.

Friday the 13th....Not such a bad day after all...

We all harbor fears of Friday the 13th. No matter the month. Pictures of unlucky things happening to unwary travelers, or commuters back and forth to work. Walking under ladders, or breaking mirrors accompanies these images of doom and mayhem. Things such as losing a job, or a loved one. Maybe your vehicle breaking down. Losing a place to live. A pet dying. All of these things people think more of when a person says "Friday the 13th" right after images of the movie of the same name flash through their minds eye. Well, I am here to tell you that this past Friday the 13th, of July, 2012, wasn't a bad day for me after all. I wake up around 9a when my owner leaves for work, like I do every other day, and listen to him open the door, then the screen door, and walks out to his car. I'm laying there thinking that I could do the same thing. I lay there until around 11a, when I get up. around a half hour later, I get a call. I talk to this person, and when I hang up, I have a potential job. A couple hours later, my mate calls a hotline to see if he has been accepted for food stamps, and he has.

As of this posting, I am employed, making $9/hr. I start July 25th at 11a. The class begins at noon, and from then on, I will be Customer Support and Service Rep. Working from home. Finally, this four year, one month, eleven day stint of unemployment is at an end. Finally, after all of this time, I will be working again. So, Friday the 13th....Not such a bad day for me.

*start Rant*

You know, I was talking to a friend the other day over Yahoo IM. I had asked him about a situation. Mine and my owners roommate has registered for a furcon in November. Now, this roommate has a job, of which I transport him to and from each day he works. He hasn't helped my owner with anything, aside from a couple gallons of milk every week or so. Which is appreciated. He hasn't tried to help with the electricity bill, the rent, or grocery bill. When we go shopping, he gets a $3.79 loaf of bread. This is fine. But here is the thing. He doesn't offer to help pay the grocery bill at check out, nor make any verbal communication with my owner about "Hey. I will start paying for the things I would like foodwise, beings as they are rather expensive.". No, instead he uses my owners money for all of the food he eats, without contributing to it. Not only that, but he eats a lot. Not as much as he used to, no. But still, quite a bit to where its very noticeable. Through all of this, this roommate hasn't helped with much of anything. He is upstairs doing the dishes now, which would be his fourth or fifth time in the two months he has been living here. Yet he is going to a furcon he already registered for in November.

I wonder how he is getting there... The moment he says "I'm going to be getting a plane ticket to this furcon.." I will itemize what he owes for living here. He owes, as of this post, $600 for rent, $100 for my gas for his transport to and from work, $200-$300 for groceries. All of this was agreed upon before he moved in. "You're gonna need to help with rent and food, and gas for taking you to and from work." ... "Ok, I can do that. May not be much now, but once I start getting more hours, I can help." Granted, up until two weeks ago, during the Waldo Canyon Fire, he was only working one day a week. But even then, not one word about helping out my owner. Nothing along the lines of "Ok, I will be able to give you this much for rent, and this much here for gas, Ghostie. Next week, I can help a little with groceries." Nothing like that. I even talked to him about it a few weeks ago. He had the look of incredulousness about him, like "You're asking me to help? Really?" I ignored it then. I also warned him that he needs to close his account down, so his money doesn't get sucked into the bank for his overdrafts. I reiterated this several times through the conversation. on Friday, this past Friday, the 13th, his bank sucked his entire paycheck into said black hole. He comes and tells me, with this look of rage and whatnot. He had said something like "You don't seem to upset about it." ... I looked at him and said "I told you a few weeks ago that this would happen, that you needed to close your accounts. That you needed to do that immediately. You didn't listen to me, and it happened. Suffice it to say, I told you so. I was expecting this. I knew this was gonna happen. So no, I'm not mad, nor surprised. I warned you it would happen, and it did." Inside, I was like "Dude, really? You didn't listen to me, and your mad that what I said was gonna happen, happened? Fucking dumbass...next time, you'll listen ya?"

This person, from what I've seen is rather self centered. That is good, but not to this extreme. Me, personally, when I manage my income, I have no fun until stuff is taken care of. For example: Rent, utilities, food, car insurance and payment, and gasoline. All of that is taken care of before I even think of going to a fast food place, or the movies. Before I spend $1 at McDonalds, I make sure everything is paid for. Then, and only then, after I double check all accounts to make sure payments have gone through, on the sites, as well as my bank, before I even attempt to go to the movies. And, even after I do that, I wait about three days, for everything to clear. After that, if I'm able to help someone, I do so.

I've given my newly bought meal to a homeless person. They were hungrier than I was. I've helped random people on the side of the road. Last time I did that, I was driving down a street, and saw a jeep in the middle of an intersection, a busy one at that. It had three middle aged women in it, whom were waiting for AAA. I pushed their jeep out of the intersection, because it was extremely busy. I didn't want them to get hurt. When I got back to my car, a woman ran up to me and handed me a $10 bill. I didn't need it. I didn't help them for money. I helped them because they needed it. A line from a movie always sticks out in my mind. "Don't try and make miracles. BE the miracle." Oddly enough, its from a Jim Carrey movie, "Bruce Almighty". Don't try and perform a miracle. Be someones Miracle. Help them push their car from the intersection. Give someone a meal.

And if you're staying with friends, help them pay the bills. If they refuse your money not once, but twice, then and only then are you guilt free from not helping them. And when they do accept your help, do not view them as money hungry. You don't know what it could be taking to keep you as a roommate.

*end Rant*

The Most Fun I've had in my Life

This past weekend, on Saturday, I went to my first ever Rennisance Festival. It was the best time I have ever had. The costumes, concerts, shows. There is no words to describe how much fun I had. I could have wandered the place for a LONG time. The face masks, the face paintings, the amount of fun people were having. It was all indescribable. Me, my mate, and my owner all went. We all got fox tails as well. I think I liked this festival more than I would a FurCon. Towards the end of the day, there was Live Action Role Play. Knights, Kings, Lords ... I could seriously live in that time period. I'd have no qualms. Forges made their blades on the spot. REAL blades. Not the fake stuff we see now. I'm talking folded steel Katanas, that when used to cut a steel block, it remains unblemished and sharp. The myriad shops and sights. The sounds, scents. People. It was extremely fun. I loved it so much. Towards the end of the day, I saw a dragon. Man sized, dragon costume, who played the role VERY well. that made up my mind to dress up next year as a black cat named Perem. Black cat mask, black rogues clothing, shoes, and two kukris I will be buying from a blacksmith in the festival. I also saw a live Mime. He was creepy, yet extremely cool looking. He looked fake, like a mannequin. His attire was elegant, and ... everyone there that had dressed up was dressed in such a way, I long for that time period. Like, I would have fit PERFECTLY in it. I would love to learn how to blacksmith. Make my own weapons and armor. I REVELED in it. I've had dreams of living in that era since Saturday. Oh man.....I SO wish I could. I don't belong in this time era. Either way back then, or way in the future. Not now.

So we have moved into the new place. I love it. I Have my basement to myself. Corner, near the window, is my desk. Near the closet is my bed. My keyboard is near the stairs, so when I play people can listen. Yea, there was a three or four rough weeks, but everything is looking good now. I still haven't found a job, but a position at Big 5 is looking promising. I really hope I get it. I like playing games on my computer, but even that gets old sometimes. I wanna earn my money, so I can go to the movies, or buy that gift for someone. Maybe save up to get things I want, instead of asking for them all the time. I want to help with things around the house. I want to be able to say to everyone "Hey, I got it this time. Don't worry." instead of saying "i'm sorry I can't help...I really am."  I'm judged by people who have jobs, who have been at a job for 20 or more years. They haven't lost everything several times over like I have. I'm 32, and should have a lot more stuffs than i do now. No, not materialistic. Just wishing I was a normal 32 year old. They have a house, or their own apartment. They have said space filled with things that mean something to them, sentimental values. Yet, I do not. That is ok though, because at this time in my life, I am more better off than I have ever been. I will be even more better off once I get a job. Finally, I'm getting a break. I'm finally able to Live.

Finally. Something I've not felt in a long long time..

In less than a week, my Love will be held inside of the airport in my arms. Two days after that, Me and my owner will be moving into a townhouse. For the first time in a long time, like, several years, I'm truly excited. I had a interview yesterday as well at Best Buy, so if I get that job, my life will finally be together after so long of being broken. I don't have to worry about much of anything, and when we move, well, it will be exciting. We sign the lease on Monday afternoon. Once moved in, and working, I will finally be able to stop stressing all the way. I can't wait.

So Far ..

Hello. I know its been a while since I posted in here. I'm Sorry. I've been extremely busy.

To those that know me, you might already know this. I'm a full time Submissive to my friend here in Colorado Springs.

"YOU'RE A SLAVE?! WTF?! ARE YOU INSANE?! YOU MEAN YOU NEED PERMISSION TO DO THINGS?! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!"

Hahaha...thats what you're all thinking. Let me educate you on submissiveness.

Being a sub, it makes me feel whole. Like I was meant to do this. Its a form of trust that runs deep. Through my whole life, since i was the age of 9, I've always had to be the strong one. The one to fix problems, usually problems that would have most people stressing out beyond anything. Where to get money for the power bill, as it was gonna get shut off. How to get food, as that was our last meal. How to get to the doctors appt. at the designated time, without a car that is running. How to pay rent the day it is due. These problems I have encountered numerous times, and have ALWAYS found a solution. ALWAYS. And those around me are amazed that I Was able to pull it off. Then, my strong will wasn't enough to prevent something.

"I have legal guardianship over your mother and her estate..."

There was nothing I could do. Two weeks later, I had to put her in a car, to be taken to a home. Doing this one action, even if it was for the best, of which I know it was, devastated me. She started crying when she got in the car. I couldn't hug her, as I didn't want her to remember me crying. So I put on that stoic face, and went upstairs, and everything collapsed. My knees collapsed, the walls inside fell, and my world was shattered. I cryed on her bed for a bit. Then, once more, I pulled a plan out of my ass to live.

You're asking "What the hell does this have to do with you being a slave to someone?!" aren't you. Let me answer. I'm tired of coming up with ways to fix things. In ten years, this is the first time where I don't have to worry.

"But, you get treated SO badly!!!!"

No, I truly do not. Sure. There's bumps, and miscommunications sometimes, but hes a learning Dom. Its forgivable. My life is stable now. I don't worry about much of anything. My biggest concern, at this very moment, is getting my Doms computer fixed.

Submission: The WILLFUL act of submitting to another person, giving up most or all of their rights willfully.

I've done this. I have a locked collar on "Ghostie owned by Spike 3/19/2012" is on my tag. I also have locked wrist and ankle cuffs. And a locking belt with "Ghostieboi" on it. Spike has the keys. I also have a set, but I ask permission before I unlock anything.

"But...what about your strong will? That spark of life so strong?"

Its still there. I can't exactly get rid of that, so it stays with me, and sometimes shows itself.

This kind of lifestyle makes me truly happy. There's only one thing that would make it perfect. To have my mate with me.

"Is he ok with you doing this? I mean, don't you and your 'dom' have sex all the time?"

Yes, my mate is ok with this. He knows how much I want to do this, and as he is unable to be my Dom (no, I won't say why.) he lets me be Spikes sub. As for the sex, no. BDSM isn't all about sex. its more of a servitude. I pick up the house each day. I make his lunch, and mine if I am having some. He eats on the sofa, I eat on the floor. (keep reading ><) I sit indian style, and have my plate on the table. I perform small tasks around the house to keep it tidy. I don't get yelled at for anything. I don't get treated badly. I'm smart enough to step out of this Submissive role if I was. I've done it once already. It scared the hell out of him. He had messed up, and I called him on it. I can say this though. I'm proud to be his Submissive. Do I get led around on a leash? No. Tied to a bed? Eventually. My restraints have the rings for that.

Besides. I have two very important people guiding me. Charles, my mate. Hes done all of this before. He has the experience. And Elroethrial. One of the closest friends I have. If Spike didn't have my collar, she would. In a heartbeat. Shes given me tons of advice, and has made me think.

For once in the past 12ish years, I'm truly happy. Things happened that has made me cry, and question this, but doing what was done was for the best. I can now truly live my life. Finally.

Questions or concerns, please email me at ghost_tiger001@yahoo.com

May those above shine down on your path of life, as they have done mine.

~Ghostie