Since the beginning of September, of 2013, I have been trying to get a job with the State of Colorado, working with the Department of Corrections. On October 25th, 2013, I got told I was hired. I will be making more than twice of what I've ever made in a month, which is a lot of money.
On November 4th, 2013, I started the Colorado Training Academy. I'm finally in a career. After so long of holding things together with nothing but willpower alone, finances being all whack, arguments over money, unable to do things, hopefully, those are all gone when i get paid at the end of the month. I will finally be able to fully pay bills, and have money left over. of my OWN to spend.
I can finally say to everyone "I have a career." I don't have to be embarrassed when I say "I have job." like I was when I was working for all of the retail people. Wal-mart, McDonald's, Home Depot, ecetera. I don't have to kind of hunker down "Yea, I work for McDonald's..." like I used to, even when I became a shift supervisor. I can now be very proud of who I work for. No, I'm not gonna be pompous and egotistical about it. I have no reason to be egotistical. I have a career. A REAL one.
The past week of this new job, has left me mentally tired. So much information. But you know what, I will get through it. I will pass all of the tests, and I will graduate on December 3rd, 2013. I can't wait. I love helping people. Its one of the stronger traits I have.
<3 you all.
An Angel
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
First in a lifetime....
This is one of those where it happened for the first time in my
entire life. It brings a new meaning to some of the things I do, and
makes me realize that yes, while I realize I'm not invincible, I truly
am not.
On Saturday, 10/12/2013, I went to work. I got there at 11:15a, and worked until 8:15p. It was just another day at work. I was at the self checkout for the first half of my shift. I went to lunch, played on my new phone, whatever. I sat in my car to listen to musics while I did so. I get back from lunch, and get sent down to Register 2, which is the lumber department area. Wood, building stuffs, ecetera. I do my thing, and start helping customers. I take some cash, and ignore the warning to remove some cash from the drawer, as I take one cash transaction for every ten debit card transactions. I walk in a slow circle, had enabled my S health on my phone, and watch my steps counter go up. I realize the step counter is a little off, as it lags. I shrug and just keep walking the small circles. I help the customers that come up, glad to be doing something instead of being bored. It was rather quiet at that end of the store, no customers really, just the tool rental person doing his thing. I go to break, and come back, to do the same thing. Then things get rather interesting and scarey..
He came around the corner as I was looking at my phone for a moment. I see him come to the register, put my phone away, and do my intro and whatnot. He has a LED lantern and asks me to see if this was the store he bought it from. I go to hit the price check button and grab the handheld scanner. As I turn back to look for the UPC, he pulls a gun on me. He tells me to open the register drawer and give him everything in it. At first I thought he was joking, but when I look up, and see the gun pointed at me. my fight or flight kicks in immediately. In less than a tenth of a second, my brain runs through self defense moves, none of which would be effective with a counter between us. Shock sets in, my hands start shaking as I use every ounce of will power I have to keep my cool, and attempt to open the register. First attempt didn't work, which was a "No Sale" option. It required a managers over ride. He kept telling me to hurry up, asking me why it was taking so long. By the time I thought of scanning a asprin thing, I was fully in shock. Clammy skin, shaking hands, constant adrenaline dump, hyper acute senses. I scan the item, total it, exact cash it, then he tells me to dump it all into his duffel bag. So I did. Money till and everything. He wanted the cash under, so I gave it to him. Then he left.
I called Loss Prevention, and told him he needed to come to register 2. I then told him why. I had a couple of customers after this, I shut off my light, as LP gets register 1 opened. I call the MoD, and told her she needed to come to my register. At first, she thought I was kidding, but then she realized I wasn't. She ran form the back of the store, to where I was. My FES was there as well. While I was appearing cool, and collect on the outside, I was scared shitless inside. It took a lot out of me to keep that way. My FES was more shaken than I was appearing to be, as well as my MoD. Police came, asked me questions, and did their job. The night ended with me being escorted to my vehicle by LP and another associate. I then drove home.
I kept this to myself for at least a day, as to not freak anyone out. I needed a bit to process it. I didn't need everyone flipping out. I needed time to acclimate to this, to adjust. No one got hurt, which is good. My anxiety does escalate quickly when I do go down in the area of register 2 now. Clammy skin, shaking of the hands, all that starts over when I go down there.
http://www.kktv.com/home/headlines/Colorado-Springs-Home-Depot-Store-Robbed-227554521.html
I was the cashier in that story.
Having a gun pointed at me was one of the scariest things to ever happen to me. It will be with me for a very long time.
On Saturday, 10/12/2013, I went to work. I got there at 11:15a, and worked until 8:15p. It was just another day at work. I was at the self checkout for the first half of my shift. I went to lunch, played on my new phone, whatever. I sat in my car to listen to musics while I did so. I get back from lunch, and get sent down to Register 2, which is the lumber department area. Wood, building stuffs, ecetera. I do my thing, and start helping customers. I take some cash, and ignore the warning to remove some cash from the drawer, as I take one cash transaction for every ten debit card transactions. I walk in a slow circle, had enabled my S health on my phone, and watch my steps counter go up. I realize the step counter is a little off, as it lags. I shrug and just keep walking the small circles. I help the customers that come up, glad to be doing something instead of being bored. It was rather quiet at that end of the store, no customers really, just the tool rental person doing his thing. I go to break, and come back, to do the same thing. Then things get rather interesting and scarey..
He came around the corner as I was looking at my phone for a moment. I see him come to the register, put my phone away, and do my intro and whatnot. He has a LED lantern and asks me to see if this was the store he bought it from. I go to hit the price check button and grab the handheld scanner. As I turn back to look for the UPC, he pulls a gun on me. He tells me to open the register drawer and give him everything in it. At first I thought he was joking, but when I look up, and see the gun pointed at me. my fight or flight kicks in immediately. In less than a tenth of a second, my brain runs through self defense moves, none of which would be effective with a counter between us. Shock sets in, my hands start shaking as I use every ounce of will power I have to keep my cool, and attempt to open the register. First attempt didn't work, which was a "No Sale" option. It required a managers over ride. He kept telling me to hurry up, asking me why it was taking so long. By the time I thought of scanning a asprin thing, I was fully in shock. Clammy skin, shaking hands, constant adrenaline dump, hyper acute senses. I scan the item, total it, exact cash it, then he tells me to dump it all into his duffel bag. So I did. Money till and everything. He wanted the cash under, so I gave it to him. Then he left.
I called Loss Prevention, and told him he needed to come to register 2. I then told him why. I had a couple of customers after this, I shut off my light, as LP gets register 1 opened. I call the MoD, and told her she needed to come to my register. At first, she thought I was kidding, but then she realized I wasn't. She ran form the back of the store, to where I was. My FES was there as well. While I was appearing cool, and collect on the outside, I was scared shitless inside. It took a lot out of me to keep that way. My FES was more shaken than I was appearing to be, as well as my MoD. Police came, asked me questions, and did their job. The night ended with me being escorted to my vehicle by LP and another associate. I then drove home.
I kept this to myself for at least a day, as to not freak anyone out. I needed a bit to process it. I didn't need everyone flipping out. I needed time to acclimate to this, to adjust. No one got hurt, which is good. My anxiety does escalate quickly when I do go down in the area of register 2 now. Clammy skin, shaking of the hands, all that starts over when I go down there.
http://www.kktv.com/home/headlines/Colorado-Springs-Home-Depot-Store-Robbed-227554521.html
I was the cashier in that story.
Having a gun pointed at me was one of the scariest things to ever happen to me. It will be with me for a very long time.
Friday, September 20, 2013
YAY RMFC and other things (late update O.O )
I went to RMFC. We arrived on Thursday, the day before the Con actually starts at around 3p. Got the room, went up there, relaxed, the start of four days of fun. I didn't get in my fursuit that day, but I did wander and mingle. I saved my fursuit for the next day, at the Opening Ceremonies. I met people, saw Pnut, and a lot of awesome suiters on Thursday.
Then came Friday, when the Con started. Opening Ceremonies, I suited up. And it was fantastic. I loved every moment. Yes, it was hot as SHIT. I was sweating like a cornered nun. But I didn't care. I loved it. I suited up for the Opening Ceremonies, and stayed in my suit for four and a half hours. So many pictures were taken of me. I got SO many compliments. After that, I went back up and changed out of it, got some foods, relaxed and cooled off. I then went back down to go to the dealers den, and so many things O_O. I wanted to buy all the things. Me and Charles walked around, mingled, and had more fun. I took my tablet, but I hardly used it. We then went and got dinner, and some sandwich making items from Wal-mart. Came back, had foods, and then went and mingled some more.
I met a person there who I thought i was going to like. He was nice, and rather respectful. He stayed with us for about a month after the Con, and it was one of the worst decisions that I was involved with making. He expected everyone to serve him because of his disabilities. Turns out he doesn't have any, physical anyways, aside from a speed impediment. He came out to work out with me and Des, and did perfectly fine. He didn't have any problem doing anything. He hid behind his disabilities, and played WoW all day long. He did contribute his foodstamps. Which was appreciated. But he expected everyone to do everything for him. So I called him a leech on society, and he left. He sent spike an email, basically stating to stop telling people how he really is or he will press charges. So I told Spike and Charles to never contact us ever again. Including Draggie.
I also met another there as well. Ian. He was a fur that contacted me a couple of weeks before the Con started to give hi ma ride up there, and back. He's a good kid, got his head on straight. Yea, hes immature sometimes, but he is 18. Who ISN'T immature at that age? We met, and he did his thing at the Con, but he latched onto me as well. What I mean is, he saw me as an older figure, a wise person. He wants to learn about BDSM, Master/sub relations. I know I'm not the best teacher for that. He wanted to become my Sub, but I didn't agree right away as I already have two.
Charles became rather jealous of that. Which was totally understandable. He thought he was gonna lose me to him. All I want to do is show someone who is very very new to the scene the REALness, the true BDSM, instead of what the Furry Fandom has done to it. It has corrupted it into something demented and not at all what it is truly about. I talked to Spike and Charles about it. About taking Ian under my wings. They both agreed to it, so I did. He trusted me enough to take something from him that can only be taken once. His virginity. I felt honored by that. Since then, he's come over about once every once every week, or so. We play games, talk, be silly. He is going to college too. For, eventually, computer sciences, like me. He just got out of high school either this year or last year. He has plans for his future already. Which is more than I had when I was his age.
When I got back from RMFC, I lost my job at Convergys. They told me that due to the issues I was having, they couldn't let me work. So I asked to be fired so I can collect unemployment, and they had already decided to do that. So on August 7th, I was let go from Convergys. at the beginning of Sept. I got a job at Home Depot. Just a temporary one, until I get the CDOC job, working as a Prison guard for the state of Colorado. Making $45,000 to start. Per Year. I've never made that much in one year in my entire life. A lot of stresses would be lifted. Making $3,273 per month (before taxes of course) would be outstandingly good.
The BDSM relations i have with Spike and Charles are going real slow, at best. the loss of my job and whatnot has been real stressful for everyone. I've made up a schedule for Charles, but haven't finished Spikes yet. I have a couple ideas, but they will need to be put down on paper before I can see if it will look right.
I feel like I'm letting them down somehow though. Like, I'm not up to the task, despite my rather strong will. Charles wants/needs a full time Dom, and that is something I'm not able to do. I have to bubbly of a personality. He said he is happy relationship wise. us being mates, he couldn't be happier, but at the same time he feels held back. Held back that being mated is preventing him from finding a Dom. I don't want that to happen, so we've tried different ways of alleviating that feeling. We've tried everything, except one thing. They haven't worked. I don't know what else to do, aside form that one thing, to alleviate that feeling he has. And he doesn't want to do that, so I don't know what to do.
But at least he knows what he wants. I know what I want to. A specific feeling, a niche. No one I know has hit that yet. The feeling of being a sub, who is appreciated, valued, and controlled. I don't know how that translates to BDSM terms or whatnot. While being a Dom is a good thing, I still have those times where I want to be a Sub. NWN IoS type of Server is up, but thats not doing as much as I thought it would. I have Ezekieal on SL, but due to Michs' big mouth, most people know that hes me, so that doesn't help. I have no outlet for this. No one i know can Dominate my personality. Truly dominate. So I'm stuck like this for now.
Then came Friday, when the Con started. Opening Ceremonies, I suited up. And it was fantastic. I loved every moment. Yes, it was hot as SHIT. I was sweating like a cornered nun. But I didn't care. I loved it. I suited up for the Opening Ceremonies, and stayed in my suit for four and a half hours. So many pictures were taken of me. I got SO many compliments. After that, I went back up and changed out of it, got some foods, relaxed and cooled off. I then went back down to go to the dealers den, and so many things O_O. I wanted to buy all the things. Me and Charles walked around, mingled, and had more fun. I took my tablet, but I hardly used it. We then went and got dinner, and some sandwich making items from Wal-mart. Came back, had foods, and then went and mingled some more.
I met a person there who I thought i was going to like. He was nice, and rather respectful. He stayed with us for about a month after the Con, and it was one of the worst decisions that I was involved with making. He expected everyone to serve him because of his disabilities. Turns out he doesn't have any, physical anyways, aside from a speed impediment. He came out to work out with me and Des, and did perfectly fine. He didn't have any problem doing anything. He hid behind his disabilities, and played WoW all day long. He did contribute his foodstamps. Which was appreciated. But he expected everyone to do everything for him. So I called him a leech on society, and he left. He sent spike an email, basically stating to stop telling people how he really is or he will press charges. So I told Spike and Charles to never contact us ever again. Including Draggie.
I also met another there as well. Ian. He was a fur that contacted me a couple of weeks before the Con started to give hi ma ride up there, and back. He's a good kid, got his head on straight. Yea, hes immature sometimes, but he is 18. Who ISN'T immature at that age? We met, and he did his thing at the Con, but he latched onto me as well. What I mean is, he saw me as an older figure, a wise person. He wants to learn about BDSM, Master/sub relations. I know I'm not the best teacher for that. He wanted to become my Sub, but I didn't agree right away as I already have two.
Charles became rather jealous of that. Which was totally understandable. He thought he was gonna lose me to him. All I want to do is show someone who is very very new to the scene the REALness, the true BDSM, instead of what the Furry Fandom has done to it. It has corrupted it into something demented and not at all what it is truly about. I talked to Spike and Charles about it. About taking Ian under my wings. They both agreed to it, so I did. He trusted me enough to take something from him that can only be taken once. His virginity. I felt honored by that. Since then, he's come over about once every once every week, or so. We play games, talk, be silly. He is going to college too. For, eventually, computer sciences, like me. He just got out of high school either this year or last year. He has plans for his future already. Which is more than I had when I was his age.
When I got back from RMFC, I lost my job at Convergys. They told me that due to the issues I was having, they couldn't let me work. So I asked to be fired so I can collect unemployment, and they had already decided to do that. So on August 7th, I was let go from Convergys. at the beginning of Sept. I got a job at Home Depot. Just a temporary one, until I get the CDOC job, working as a Prison guard for the state of Colorado. Making $45,000 to start. Per Year. I've never made that much in one year in my entire life. A lot of stresses would be lifted. Making $3,273 per month (before taxes of course) would be outstandingly good.
The BDSM relations i have with Spike and Charles are going real slow, at best. the loss of my job and whatnot has been real stressful for everyone. I've made up a schedule for Charles, but haven't finished Spikes yet. I have a couple ideas, but they will need to be put down on paper before I can see if it will look right.
I feel like I'm letting them down somehow though. Like, I'm not up to the task, despite my rather strong will. Charles wants/needs a full time Dom, and that is something I'm not able to do. I have to bubbly of a personality. He said he is happy relationship wise. us being mates, he couldn't be happier, but at the same time he feels held back. Held back that being mated is preventing him from finding a Dom. I don't want that to happen, so we've tried different ways of alleviating that feeling. We've tried everything, except one thing. They haven't worked. I don't know what else to do, aside form that one thing, to alleviate that feeling he has. And he doesn't want to do that, so I don't know what to do.
But at least he knows what he wants. I know what I want to. A specific feeling, a niche. No one I know has hit that yet. The feeling of being a sub, who is appreciated, valued, and controlled. I don't know how that translates to BDSM terms or whatnot. While being a Dom is a good thing, I still have those times where I want to be a Sub. NWN IoS type of Server is up, but thats not doing as much as I thought it would. I have Ezekieal on SL, but due to Michs' big mouth, most people know that hes me, so that doesn't help. I have no outlet for this. No one i know can Dominate my personality. Truly dominate. So I'm stuck like this for now.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Updates, thoughts, and more...
Its been a while since I've written in here. Mostly because I've been busy with work, and then if not that, then other things.
I went to the Ren Faire on the 13th. Gods. I had so much fun. I was able to spend some money on a couple of things. A dragon pendant, leather laced bracers, foods, and Des payed for a knife/sword set. Imma pay him back, cause yea. Saw Puke and Snot. Des loved them. He liked them more than he thought he would. I'm really glad. I REALLY wanna go back, but I don't think I will be able to. But that's ok. I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent there. I absolutely loved it. We went to see Celtic Legacy, a show there, and I loved it. The crowd got into it, which was awesome. And their music was epic. We then saw Cast in Bronze. Someone playing bells like it was a piano. Very very nice music, as he had music playing in the background too. The women singing on the music tracks...Ethereal. Absolutely angelic. Gods, those voices made me listen and transported me into another world. By this time, we all decided it was time to go home. We spent six and a half hours, experienced a lot of things, and had a lot of fun, while at the Faire. I was actually sad that we had to go. I got to escape for a while.
Then I remembered that my little brother would have had so much fun there as well. Made me start missing him like mad. I started reminiscing of all of the times we were having fun together. Getting high, or playing video games. Stuff like that. Hell, just talking about people at random. I wish I could experience that again. I really miss him. He knows me better than anyone. He has SEEN what I've been through. Meghan knows me too, yes. But she hasn't SEEN (that I know of) a lot of it. I've told her yes. Shes felt a lot, and all of that. But she didn't SEE it. Elly, the same way. She has been told, and has read me like a book, a lot like Meghan has, but she hasn't SEEN it. Not in my eyes like my lil bro has. Escape was rare back then. I was able to get into NWN and play on my server for hours, just diving head long into the RP. Since IOS has gone, I haven't been able to do it, not even in second life. Yea, I got Zeke in Second Life, even got him spells and stuff. Angel wings, and he has had several people say he is really pretty. Angelic. Which is what he is supposed to be. I miss that. I miss being able to be Zeke. Ezekieal, Kitten of Doom. Three and a half foot tall Neko boy (catling), white hair, rainbow tail, and black ears. Three and a half feet of fun. I try to be that way in Second Life, while on that account, and hell, even got Whim to play! Zekes husband from NWN. Knows I play two people ectect. Took me forever to get him to at least try. And he finally did, and he loves it. the person behind Whim is a middle school music teacher, who has a husband. Yes, two guys. Anyways, I still miss those times where I could escape from reality, and get into some fantasy RP. Just to detach from reality for a short bit.
Its not to say I don't enjoy whats happened. I really do. Just sometimes I feel like sooooo much is expected of me. Yes, I am a Dom. But do I really have time for such? I want to say yes. I want to make time on the days off that I do have the time to be that Dom I am. I'm working on a schedule for Charles to follow, and I will work on one for Spike as well. Maybe that will be a routine for them. Help all of us to get into that sense of routine, the lifestyle they want. Its hard though sometimes. Specially when they're so goddamned stubborn. Always think they're right. Or they don't listen. Not that I've given them much to listen to, but still. I don't know how to punish them when they don't listen. Not gonna beat them. No. Maybe psychological things. I don't know. I will figure something out.
Spike was also trying to get me to tell him everything about me. If I did, I don't think he'd like me much anymore. Because of the nature of the secret. Its one of those things that I can't tell like its nothing. Its something that only those beyond extremely close to me know. He wrote a blog the other day about how he felt about me. It didn't come too much as a surprise. What the surprise was is that its been for so long. Since October of 2011. I know he liked talking to me, wants to make sure I'm taken care of, likes my company and what not. And I do him. I just have someone already, and I don't know what to do. I do know I'm gonna make a conscious effort to stop making feel like a third wheel. I'm definitely not gonna break up with my boyfriend to date another. Already did that once. Screwed up a rather nice relationship....I don't know what to do about it.
I feel like I'm being left behind. Everyone is doing things. Charles is going out to these events. Hes going to be in the gay parade. He goes to a get together every Sunday evening. He meets leather daddys, and leather boys. Its a casual thing, but he still meets them. I've only been to one since he started. I rode my bike to another, and by the time I got there, it was over. Deroo hangs out on a Sim my avatar is banned from. I was apparently rude and negative. Just left one day, next day to go back, I was banned. No real explanation. He still hangs out there, a LOT, and it feels like he is being taken from me. I feel like Charles is being taken from me. Both of them say its not gonna happen. And I believe them. But it still feels like that. I was distancing myself away from these things. Me and Charles talked about it last night. He had mentioned that the only way for me to become no so worried, was to become just good friends. I told him that this would not be a good way to go, as everything that everyone, including myself has tried to take down, would go back up. He would mention his outings, new friends, his immersing into the leather BDSM world, and I would slowly lose my grip on him. I don't know how to keep him though. I can't really go to the meetings he does, as I work when they happen. The sub groups from CoP, I don't get a chance to go to those, as again, I'm working. Everything that I can do to get out more, attend these events, usually are done by the time I get off work. I can go to things on my day off, but theres usually nothing going on.
I went to the pride parade. Had fun there. Got kinda burnt. Charles got a lot burnt. We were a little late, but he was still able to walk with the Summit Masters group. I'm really glad he was able to do that. He kept saying that we will be late, but he was able to walk anyways. The parade wasn't as twinky as I thought it would be. The one in Reno, NV, was horrible. I walked around, and it was just bad. We were invited to a barbeque afterwards as well, but I didn't really enjoy it that much. A lot of really nice people, but I didn't know anyone. I was just a little uncomfortable. After that though, the day was nice and slow. Watched Lord of the Rings, and finished them today.
Other than these things, I don't have much to update. Until Next time!!
I went to the Ren Faire on the 13th. Gods. I had so much fun. I was able to spend some money on a couple of things. A dragon pendant, leather laced bracers, foods, and Des payed for a knife/sword set. Imma pay him back, cause yea. Saw Puke and Snot. Des loved them. He liked them more than he thought he would. I'm really glad. I REALLY wanna go back, but I don't think I will be able to. But that's ok. I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent there. I absolutely loved it. We went to see Celtic Legacy, a show there, and I loved it. The crowd got into it, which was awesome. And their music was epic. We then saw Cast in Bronze. Someone playing bells like it was a piano. Very very nice music, as he had music playing in the background too. The women singing on the music tracks...Ethereal. Absolutely angelic. Gods, those voices made me listen and transported me into another world. By this time, we all decided it was time to go home. We spent six and a half hours, experienced a lot of things, and had a lot of fun, while at the Faire. I was actually sad that we had to go. I got to escape for a while.
Then I remembered that my little brother would have had so much fun there as well. Made me start missing him like mad. I started reminiscing of all of the times we were having fun together. Getting high, or playing video games. Stuff like that. Hell, just talking about people at random. I wish I could experience that again. I really miss him. He knows me better than anyone. He has SEEN what I've been through. Meghan knows me too, yes. But she hasn't SEEN (that I know of) a lot of it. I've told her yes. Shes felt a lot, and all of that. But she didn't SEE it. Elly, the same way. She has been told, and has read me like a book, a lot like Meghan has, but she hasn't SEEN it. Not in my eyes like my lil bro has. Escape was rare back then. I was able to get into NWN and play on my server for hours, just diving head long into the RP. Since IOS has gone, I haven't been able to do it, not even in second life. Yea, I got Zeke in Second Life, even got him spells and stuff. Angel wings, and he has had several people say he is really pretty. Angelic. Which is what he is supposed to be. I miss that. I miss being able to be Zeke. Ezekieal, Kitten of Doom. Three and a half foot tall Neko boy (catling), white hair, rainbow tail, and black ears. Three and a half feet of fun. I try to be that way in Second Life, while on that account, and hell, even got Whim to play! Zekes husband from NWN. Knows I play two people ectect. Took me forever to get him to at least try. And he finally did, and he loves it. the person behind Whim is a middle school music teacher, who has a husband. Yes, two guys. Anyways, I still miss those times where I could escape from reality, and get into some fantasy RP. Just to detach from reality for a short bit.
Its not to say I don't enjoy whats happened. I really do. Just sometimes I feel like sooooo much is expected of me. Yes, I am a Dom. But do I really have time for such? I want to say yes. I want to make time on the days off that I do have the time to be that Dom I am. I'm working on a schedule for Charles to follow, and I will work on one for Spike as well. Maybe that will be a routine for them. Help all of us to get into that sense of routine, the lifestyle they want. Its hard though sometimes. Specially when they're so goddamned stubborn. Always think they're right. Or they don't listen. Not that I've given them much to listen to, but still. I don't know how to punish them when they don't listen. Not gonna beat them. No. Maybe psychological things. I don't know. I will figure something out.
Spike was also trying to get me to tell him everything about me. If I did, I don't think he'd like me much anymore. Because of the nature of the secret. Its one of those things that I can't tell like its nothing. Its something that only those beyond extremely close to me know. He wrote a blog the other day about how he felt about me. It didn't come too much as a surprise. What the surprise was is that its been for so long. Since October of 2011. I know he liked talking to me, wants to make sure I'm taken care of, likes my company and what not. And I do him. I just have someone already, and I don't know what to do. I do know I'm gonna make a conscious effort to stop making feel like a third wheel. I'm definitely not gonna break up with my boyfriend to date another. Already did that once. Screwed up a rather nice relationship....I don't know what to do about it.
I feel like I'm being left behind. Everyone is doing things. Charles is going out to these events. Hes going to be in the gay parade. He goes to a get together every Sunday evening. He meets leather daddys, and leather boys. Its a casual thing, but he still meets them. I've only been to one since he started. I rode my bike to another, and by the time I got there, it was over. Deroo hangs out on a Sim my avatar is banned from. I was apparently rude and negative. Just left one day, next day to go back, I was banned. No real explanation. He still hangs out there, a LOT, and it feels like he is being taken from me. I feel like Charles is being taken from me. Both of them say its not gonna happen. And I believe them. But it still feels like that. I was distancing myself away from these things. Me and Charles talked about it last night. He had mentioned that the only way for me to become no so worried, was to become just good friends. I told him that this would not be a good way to go, as everything that everyone, including myself has tried to take down, would go back up. He would mention his outings, new friends, his immersing into the leather BDSM world, and I would slowly lose my grip on him. I don't know how to keep him though. I can't really go to the meetings he does, as I work when they happen. The sub groups from CoP, I don't get a chance to go to those, as again, I'm working. Everything that I can do to get out more, attend these events, usually are done by the time I get off work. I can go to things on my day off, but theres usually nothing going on.
I went to the pride parade. Had fun there. Got kinda burnt. Charles got a lot burnt. We were a little late, but he was still able to walk with the Summit Masters group. I'm really glad he was able to do that. He kept saying that we will be late, but he was able to walk anyways. The parade wasn't as twinky as I thought it would be. The one in Reno, NV, was horrible. I walked around, and it was just bad. We were invited to a barbeque afterwards as well, but I didn't really enjoy it that much. A lot of really nice people, but I didn't know anyone. I was just a little uncomfortable. After that though, the day was nice and slow. Watched Lord of the Rings, and finished them today.
Other than these things, I don't have much to update. Until Next time!!
Sunday, June 23, 2013
A turn around....
Things have changed. I'm not longer a Sub for Spike.Something had happened which made me rather upset. I won't go into that here, but it was rather embarrassing what had happened. What had happened caused me to think though.
I have known for a long time that I have had a rather strong personality. A very strong willpower, a lot of fight in me. Ecetera. I haven't really known until recently, exactly how strong, or dominant it is. While trying to keep it under wraps, hidden, I've had two different people tell me the same thing almost word for word. They had both said that, even though I had a locked collar on, I didn't seem very submissive. I was told that a submissive doesn't have as much fire as I do. As much fight. I seemed to have more of a dominant personality than Spike does. I have told Spike several times that I'm able to Dom everyone in the house, if I actually tried. I haven't really dun that before cause I didn't want to make Spike feel bad. When one of our friends, Icey, was here, he had told me that I had this aura of....dominance?...personality?...around me. Even though I was trying to hide it. I asked him if it was ME he was seeing or feeling, or if it was the amount of energy I have. He said both. I talked with Des, and he said that he hasn't ever seen me as a sub. That my personality is way too strong. He had also said that Spikes is more Submissive. Hes not assertive, nor strong willed. Now, this isn't a bad thing, but its kinda hard to be a Sub to someone who doesn't have Dom like traits, and who isn't assertive. So I had to take my tag off.
Me and Charles were expecting way too much of him. Beyond way too much. Like expecting a small 6mos old child to read at a 4th grade level. I really didn't realize it, at all. I thought things were good. I talked to Des though. He saw things differently. He saw the pressure building, which would have resulted in bad things, most likely. I've learned to trust his observations. They have been spot on, including his observations about myself. I had to take down another blog post, in which this post is replacing. It would have screwed things up royally. It would have probably destroyed a friendship, and I wasn't about to do that, so I took it down. Des told me that we were basically trying to make Spike what he really isn't. And that I was trying to be something I'm not. It made me think a lot. I've taught Spike several things. Honesty being one of the biggest. And hes done really good with that. But I can't make him be something he isn't. Assertive, proud. No, not the snobby proud, but being self confident. Have some self respect. Self esteem. It is hard to be a Dom when these things are lacking.
Taking my tag off was extremely hard. Then, I had to shrug and take it off, as there was no sense in keeping it on for the moment. I wanted to be something I am not so bad, I almost destroyed a friendship in doing so. Its gonna take a rather strong personality, regardless, to get me to submit. I haven't met that person yet. Charles does a good job sometimes. Hes ultimately not Dommy though. Spike did a good job sometimes too, but again, not Dommy. I am though. Icey said that I had an aura, without even trying to be one. He didn't really see anyone in the house as having one like I did. So I collared both Spike and Charles once more. This time though, everything is in person. Not Second Life as it was before.
I've set up several protocols, guidelines, and whatnot, to get this started. They were signed. By all three of us. And they are going to be enforced. Spike had said he wanted to jump right in to this. So, I presented him the deep side of the pool, and watched him jump in. I just hope he can swim. Now, both Charles and Spike get to see the other side of me. They both get to see me, being a Dom. How strong of a will I really have. How dominant I really am. I'm hoping with Charles experience and guidance, I can learn a lot, as I did while I was a Sub.
My sister, Meghan, said something to me a while ago, when I told her I was wearing a collar. She said: "The god of war can't exactly lead people when hes collared, Matthew." Maybe I'm not supposed to be collared, so I can lead people. Maybe thats why I have such a Dom. Why I can command people with just my voice. A way of saying things, inflection of tone. I don't really use it that often. The commanding voice: "Its is the same skill used to get an army to follow you to the death when most would rather up and run... I call it my commanding voice... it is a matter of inflection and wording and subtle tonal changes..." And shes absolutely right. I guess its time to start using mine.
I have known for a long time that I have had a rather strong personality. A very strong willpower, a lot of fight in me. Ecetera. I haven't really known until recently, exactly how strong, or dominant it is. While trying to keep it under wraps, hidden, I've had two different people tell me the same thing almost word for word. They had both said that, even though I had a locked collar on, I didn't seem very submissive. I was told that a submissive doesn't have as much fire as I do. As much fight. I seemed to have more of a dominant personality than Spike does. I have told Spike several times that I'm able to Dom everyone in the house, if I actually tried. I haven't really dun that before cause I didn't want to make Spike feel bad. When one of our friends, Icey, was here, he had told me that I had this aura of....dominance?...personality?...around me. Even though I was trying to hide it. I asked him if it was ME he was seeing or feeling, or if it was the amount of energy I have. He said both. I talked with Des, and he said that he hasn't ever seen me as a sub. That my personality is way too strong. He had also said that Spikes is more Submissive. Hes not assertive, nor strong willed. Now, this isn't a bad thing, but its kinda hard to be a Sub to someone who doesn't have Dom like traits, and who isn't assertive. So I had to take my tag off.
Me and Charles were expecting way too much of him. Beyond way too much. Like expecting a small 6mos old child to read at a 4th grade level. I really didn't realize it, at all. I thought things were good. I talked to Des though. He saw things differently. He saw the pressure building, which would have resulted in bad things, most likely. I've learned to trust his observations. They have been spot on, including his observations about myself. I had to take down another blog post, in which this post is replacing. It would have screwed things up royally. It would have probably destroyed a friendship, and I wasn't about to do that, so I took it down. Des told me that we were basically trying to make Spike what he really isn't. And that I was trying to be something I'm not. It made me think a lot. I've taught Spike several things. Honesty being one of the biggest. And hes done really good with that. But I can't make him be something he isn't. Assertive, proud. No, not the snobby proud, but being self confident. Have some self respect. Self esteem. It is hard to be a Dom when these things are lacking.
Taking my tag off was extremely hard. Then, I had to shrug and take it off, as there was no sense in keeping it on for the moment. I wanted to be something I am not so bad, I almost destroyed a friendship in doing so. Its gonna take a rather strong personality, regardless, to get me to submit. I haven't met that person yet. Charles does a good job sometimes. Hes ultimately not Dommy though. Spike did a good job sometimes too, but again, not Dommy. I am though. Icey said that I had an aura, without even trying to be one. He didn't really see anyone in the house as having one like I did. So I collared both Spike and Charles once more. This time though, everything is in person. Not Second Life as it was before.
I've set up several protocols, guidelines, and whatnot, to get this started. They were signed. By all three of us. And they are going to be enforced. Spike had said he wanted to jump right in to this. So, I presented him the deep side of the pool, and watched him jump in. I just hope he can swim. Now, both Charles and Spike get to see the other side of me. They both get to see me, being a Dom. How strong of a will I really have. How dominant I really am. I'm hoping with Charles experience and guidance, I can learn a lot, as I did while I was a Sub.
My sister, Meghan, said something to me a while ago, when I told her I was wearing a collar. She said: "The god of war can't exactly lead people when hes collared, Matthew." Maybe I'm not supposed to be collared, so I can lead people. Maybe thats why I have such a Dom. Why I can command people with just my voice. A way of saying things, inflection of tone. I don't really use it that often. The commanding voice: "Its is the same skill used to get an army to follow you to the death when most would rather up and run... I call it my commanding voice... it is a matter of inflection and wording and subtle tonal changes..." And shes absolutely right. I guess its time to start using mine.
Friday, June 7, 2013
I dunno....
So I went to a meeting on Sunday. Well, more of a social gathering, really. Me and my boyfriend went to the underground to meet with a bunch of people who were into the whole BDSM like we were. We talked and all of that. Well, Charles did most of the talking while I was there for moral support. He didn't want to go by himself, so I went with him. It was a nice time. A Dominant, Wally, met with Charles there, so Charles could ask his questions. I don't remember many of them, as I wasn't as interested in it as he was. While I still am interested, I want to go more slow, and I'm not sure what to ask. I did hear an interesting story. Wally, the night before (I believe) attended a dinner, where 8 or so leatherboys serviced 20 Doms. All they wore were their collars. Yes, these boys were shared between the Doms. It sounded interesting, but at the same time, what else were they there to do? There was also another furry there who wanted to become a "Furry Master" as Wally put it. I kind of almost started laughing, but I restrained myself. I mean... Furry Master... ? Yea, he was a furry, and the first thing that went through my head was "Furries ruin everything." I laughed and giggled for a while after that.
*switches gears*
I learned something else that has kind of bothered me. My boyfriend isn't monogamous. Well, not sexually anyway. He wants to go play with a friend at RMFC, of which I had a hard time accepting. I know he hasn't had anyone like me before. A lot of firsts have been done. I told him that I would become rather upset if that happened. Yea, we get bent by our Dom, Spike. But we both know him, he lives in the same house and whatnot. He wants me to just let him go off, and get bent by someone I don't know. Yet he gets upset when I mention bending Draggie over.
He then wants me to accept that he very well could get bent by another Dom, and uses that to justify letting me bending over Draggie. I don't know if I could let him get bent by anyone else, except Spike, really. I usually see that as cheating, though I know its not. Hell, if he truly wanted me not to bend Draggie over, I won't. But then, he can't say he's gonna go play with a friend at RMFC, or get bent by another Dom. With him jumping into all of this so fast, its going to be hard for me to keep up, and that's even if I can. I might be left behind while he does all of this, and soon enough, he will stop looking behind him, and I've lost him. I know I can't give him what he wants now. The whole strict leather daddy. I've tried. It didn't work. I've tried the cubby thing as well. That worked a little better. But not as much as he wanted. I don't know what else he wants. He says he needs this leather house style in his life. Yes, it interests me a lot. But I'm afraid he will get caught up in it, and not have the patience to wait for either me or Spike. Then, I will be in the middle. I See this happening. Hell, I've seen it happen. I hope its just my overactive imagination, and me over-thinking things. Not sure if I can do that. It scares me. The thought of my mate going to another Dom...it scares the hell out of me. He could get so caught up in it .. "You're mine and mine alone.." could be said, and he would go "Yes sir.." before realizing what was said. Then, I'd have lost him. Yea, he says that won't happen. Or they won't do that. Or I won't let that happen...stuff like that. But its still a fear. A large one.
*switches gears*
I learned something else that has kind of bothered me. My boyfriend isn't monogamous. Well, not sexually anyway. He wants to go play with a friend at RMFC, of which I had a hard time accepting. I know he hasn't had anyone like me before. A lot of firsts have been done. I told him that I would become rather upset if that happened. Yea, we get bent by our Dom, Spike. But we both know him, he lives in the same house and whatnot. He wants me to just let him go off, and get bent by someone I don't know. Yet he gets upset when I mention bending Draggie over.
He then wants me to accept that he very well could get bent by another Dom, and uses that to justify letting me bending over Draggie. I don't know if I could let him get bent by anyone else, except Spike, really. I usually see that as cheating, though I know its not. Hell, if he truly wanted me not to bend Draggie over, I won't. But then, he can't say he's gonna go play with a friend at RMFC, or get bent by another Dom. With him jumping into all of this so fast, its going to be hard for me to keep up, and that's even if I can. I might be left behind while he does all of this, and soon enough, he will stop looking behind him, and I've lost him. I know I can't give him what he wants now. The whole strict leather daddy. I've tried. It didn't work. I've tried the cubby thing as well. That worked a little better. But not as much as he wanted. I don't know what else he wants. He says he needs this leather house style in his life. Yes, it interests me a lot. But I'm afraid he will get caught up in it, and not have the patience to wait for either me or Spike. Then, I will be in the middle. I See this happening. Hell, I've seen it happen. I hope its just my overactive imagination, and me over-thinking things. Not sure if I can do that. It scares me. The thought of my mate going to another Dom...it scares the hell out of me. He could get so caught up in it .. "You're mine and mine alone.." could be said, and he would go "Yes sir.." before realizing what was said. Then, I'd have lost him. Yea, he says that won't happen. Or they won't do that. Or I won't let that happen...stuff like that. But its still a fear. A large one.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
More thoughts...
So, I have been thinking about things a lot, since the meeting. Protocols mainly. I've had two or more dreams of being in a house like that. Its on my mind a lot. Last night, we went out to the movies, and dinner at a fast food place. But there were things he did, that, while it did feel a bit weird him doing it, felt right in my heart. Opening the car doors for me and Charles. Now, you may think it is odd that a Dom is opening the passenger doors for his subs to get in. Here is why it isn't weird: The Dom opening the car doors for his subs is non verbal permission to get in the car, and at the destination, go with him inside. Now, of course, the subs would need to open the building doors for Sir, then enter behind him. This type of thing, this protocol, I am finding I like this a lot. It...SUITS .. me. Literally, a warm fuzzy feeling. Of course, if we were in a hurry somewhere, "Get in, lets go" and zoom, off we go to get in. And the whole eating thing, it was good too. Yes, a new thing that was tried, a little odd for the one giving direction. But, that will fade once he is more comfortable giving the "Ok. lets eat" order, or something similar. The sub does not unfold his napkin and place it in his lap, until his Sir has done so first. Not before. And the Sub will not eat a morsel of food from any course, until the Sir has taken the first bite. These things please me a lot. It fills this hole I've had in my being for a long time quite well. There's a lot of things in a document that would fit our relationship well. Those being two of them.
Another thing I've been talking some with Sir is that seeing as he has two subs, picking a day of the week, one for each, and out of that day, he sets aside 2-3hrs to be JUST with that Sub. No one else, no other company. Nothing to interfere with that time with the Sub. They can go out and take a walk, go walk around the mall, go to lunch, snuggle and watch a movie. Anything they want to do together. This time needs to be adamant, almost set in stone. There are gonna be days where either of them will want to be left alone, and that should be respected. Sir should ask when it would be ok to have that time. The Sub will NOT turn into a smart-ass, or be in anyway rude with the answer. "Can we try in a few hours?" or "Let us try again tomorrow." The sub should always apologize about the delay, no matter how small. But the Sub should spend time with Sir within 24hrs of the set time. That way, the Sub and Sir can talk about in open communication, what was wrong, regardless of what it was. If the Sir did something to upset, the Sub will say so. Not the story, but a simple "Sir, the way you did/said this, at this time, hurt". No need to go into the story.
I mentioned earlier that I had dreams the past couple nights about all of this. That tells me that this is right. It tells me that this needs to happen. Granted, Sir said that we would exercise Social protocol almost all of the time. I'm thinking a combination of both Social, and Low protocol is what I will practice. It will be the most comfortable. A Sub, while he can speak freely, there are times and places where he does not. In the mall, walking around, the Sub can speak freely, as long as the Sir is in place. Once another person, whom is either unaware of the lifestyle, or is, comes to speak with Sir, the Sub will stand behind and to the right, unless introduced. That's how -I- feel I should act. So I will. I will implement anything I feel is appropriate to demonstrate my position, in addition to what protocols are used already and in the future.
I know there were a couple more things, but I don't remember them. I will write about them when I do remember them.
Another thing I've been talking some with Sir is that seeing as he has two subs, picking a day of the week, one for each, and out of that day, he sets aside 2-3hrs to be JUST with that Sub. No one else, no other company. Nothing to interfere with that time with the Sub. They can go out and take a walk, go walk around the mall, go to lunch, snuggle and watch a movie. Anything they want to do together. This time needs to be adamant, almost set in stone. There are gonna be days where either of them will want to be left alone, and that should be respected. Sir should ask when it would be ok to have that time. The Sub will NOT turn into a smart-ass, or be in anyway rude with the answer. "Can we try in a few hours?" or "Let us try again tomorrow." The sub should always apologize about the delay, no matter how small. But the Sub should spend time with Sir within 24hrs of the set time. That way, the Sub and Sir can talk about in open communication, what was wrong, regardless of what it was. If the Sir did something to upset, the Sub will say so. Not the story, but a simple "Sir, the way you did/said this, at this time, hurt". No need to go into the story.
I mentioned earlier that I had dreams the past couple nights about all of this. That tells me that this is right. It tells me that this needs to happen. Granted, Sir said that we would exercise Social protocol almost all of the time. I'm thinking a combination of both Social, and Low protocol is what I will practice. It will be the most comfortable. A Sub, while he can speak freely, there are times and places where he does not. In the mall, walking around, the Sub can speak freely, as long as the Sir is in place. Once another person, whom is either unaware of the lifestyle, or is, comes to speak with Sir, the Sub will stand behind and to the right, unless introduced. That's how -I- feel I should act. So I will. I will implement anything I feel is appropriate to demonstrate my position, in addition to what protocols are used already and in the future.
I know there were a couple more things, but I don't remember them. I will write about them when I do remember them.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Protocols, Etiquette, Rituals..things I've learned...
I went to a meeting tonight, with the local CoP group. We were talking about protocols, rituals, and etiquette. Something I've always been really interested in. And I've learned a few things. I learned that doing these small things is my comfort. For example, taking my dom his food when its cooked. Sitting down on the floor when were all eating in the living room. Those are my rituals. I had it pointed out to me, talking to someone I met there: "I noticed something you said. You are saying they are YOUR rituals. Do you think that you should be making them yours AND his...?" which basically stopped me in my tracks. She had said that Sitting there on the floor eating may be just for me, but wouldn't he like it as well? Just a small touch, gentle squeeze to the shoulder can be enough to appease that feeling of wanting to feel needed. A lingering touch. That touch saying that he appreciates that ritual that I do, so that way it isn't just mine, its mine AND his. Or maybe I will start taking him his dinner, when were all eating in our rooms, and instead of just handing it to him, maybe I will kneel and hand it to him.
"Here is your dinner, Sir." Its really hard though. I've not ever had to do that before. Only online. It was typed out. I can't exactly type out into the air "Yes Master." as that technology doesn't exist. But I'm rather hard headed, and have never had to say it to someone in real life. Yea, I do address strangers as such, Sir or Ma'am, as I was taught. But to say it to someone, and you know their name, its a bit harder. The enforcement of it though, may help. I'm not sure. I may not be as good as a sub as I thought I was. Or maybe I need to get to a certain point, where the natural comes out. I have been rather dominant most of my life, through no choice of my own. Taking care of people, coming up with solutions in a matter of minutes to rather large problems. Things like that, and to let all of that go, even now, after breaking out of my shell, its still a new world. New experiences. Just new things all around.
I would like to have a suggestion box. We all put something in it, at least once per day, then every week, we pull one out, and try it. Be it with both, or just one. If just one, may wanna pull out another one later that day for the other, or go between the two. Anyways, something like that. When we start getting more stuff in the BDSM dept, the presenter of the discussion had another wonderful idea. If something has been on the Subs mind for a while, slip that particular toy under the pillow of the Dom. If you do it, you do. If not, set aside a time in the next 2-4 days to do it. But that way the Dom KNOWS whats on his subs mind.
A few of the other things that were talked about is protocol. Like a written set of rules for the Dom/sub household. Not really rules, just protocols for how things are done, handled, resolved, ecetera. Now granted, this could take months, and I don't mind that. I'm thinking about once a week, we all sit down, leave phones and electronics in the rooms, and see if we can't come up with things. I'm not quite sure how protocols would be, or written. I will need to look it up some, and provide some examples.
Another thing is etiquette. How does one act in certain places? Like, how do we do things in the mall? Out walking around Manitou? Garden of the Gods? I'm not sure. Are we entering into the realm of the leather spectrum of the BDSM world? Should I start calling him Sir, even in public? A lot of things were answered for me at that meeting, yet more questions came up. So I want to live in a leather household? Be treated like a leather boy? I don't know. It sounds like something I would like to explore, so I will definitely put it in the suggestion box.
Don't get me wrong. The playtimes are still rather important, and rather enjoyable. Things to do, or learn about in playtime will also be put in that box.
There were so many things learned, I'm afraid I don't remember it all. I hadn't eaten all day, so my mind was not so sharp. I'm sorry for that. Seems these things were the most important though. A lot of things were learned tonight, at this meeting. Some good insight, and ideas, methods. I want to go further with this. No, you don't need to become a strict leather daddy to me. Though I will admit, it does sound interesting.
This is all I can come up with for now. Towards the end, I was losing the thoughts that were in my head. I'm sorry for that.
"Here is your dinner, Sir." Its really hard though. I've not ever had to do that before. Only online. It was typed out. I can't exactly type out into the air "Yes Master." as that technology doesn't exist. But I'm rather hard headed, and have never had to say it to someone in real life. Yea, I do address strangers as such, Sir or Ma'am, as I was taught. But to say it to someone, and you know their name, its a bit harder. The enforcement of it though, may help. I'm not sure. I may not be as good as a sub as I thought I was. Or maybe I need to get to a certain point, where the natural comes out. I have been rather dominant most of my life, through no choice of my own. Taking care of people, coming up with solutions in a matter of minutes to rather large problems. Things like that, and to let all of that go, even now, after breaking out of my shell, its still a new world. New experiences. Just new things all around.
I would like to have a suggestion box. We all put something in it, at least once per day, then every week, we pull one out, and try it. Be it with both, or just one. If just one, may wanna pull out another one later that day for the other, or go between the two. Anyways, something like that. When we start getting more stuff in the BDSM dept, the presenter of the discussion had another wonderful idea. If something has been on the Subs mind for a while, slip that particular toy under the pillow of the Dom. If you do it, you do. If not, set aside a time in the next 2-4 days to do it. But that way the Dom KNOWS whats on his subs mind.
A few of the other things that were talked about is protocol. Like a written set of rules for the Dom/sub household. Not really rules, just protocols for how things are done, handled, resolved, ecetera. Now granted, this could take months, and I don't mind that. I'm thinking about once a week, we all sit down, leave phones and electronics in the rooms, and see if we can't come up with things. I'm not quite sure how protocols would be, or written. I will need to look it up some, and provide some examples.
Another thing is etiquette. How does one act in certain places? Like, how do we do things in the mall? Out walking around Manitou? Garden of the Gods? I'm not sure. Are we entering into the realm of the leather spectrum of the BDSM world? Should I start calling him Sir, even in public? A lot of things were answered for me at that meeting, yet more questions came up. So I want to live in a leather household? Be treated like a leather boy? I don't know. It sounds like something I would like to explore, so I will definitely put it in the suggestion box.
Don't get me wrong. The playtimes are still rather important, and rather enjoyable. Things to do, or learn about in playtime will also be put in that box.
There were so many things learned, I'm afraid I don't remember it all. I hadn't eaten all day, so my mind was not so sharp. I'm sorry for that. Seems these things were the most important though. A lot of things were learned tonight, at this meeting. Some good insight, and ideas, methods. I want to go further with this. No, you don't need to become a strict leather daddy to me. Though I will admit, it does sound interesting.
This is all I can come up with for now. Towards the end, I was losing the thoughts that were in my head. I'm sorry for that.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Progress
So I asked him something, that took me a lot of courage, and, well, balls, to be honest, to ask. I asked if he could promise to not play with anyone else. And he did. To my surprise, he did. I almost cried. I thought he was gonna accuse me of being like this huge drama queen.
You said "I was expecting you to ask me that a while ago...". I felt read. Like you anticipated me, and I enjoyed it. I felt like I was yours. Spike, you truly are making headway. A lot of it.
I'm Sorry I held so much back from you. I realize now that it prevented a LOT of development, and that I held so much expectation from you. I expected you to KNOW me, without me opening up. I had expected you to learn without being shown what, how, and when. For that, I'm sorry. I really am. I've thought about it for a while now, and I realize just how much I was holding back, and not letting anything progress forwards. How much I was hampering your efforts. Maybe Mich was right on one aspect of me, that I was acting too high and mighty to realize any of that. Of that, I apologize with every fiber of my being.
The note you left the other day, I loved it. Just a small little reminder. I may not have needed it, but still. I loved it. It told me "I want to make him smile today, cause i know he is worried about the walk-through." The way it was signed, it made me...its almost unexplainable. "You're mine. I am your Dom. Master." And it made the reminder like a "if you haven't thought of doing this, please do so." order type of thing. I can't ignore those types of things. Something in me tells me to make sure it happens. I can not ignore a direct command. it WILL get done. Now, don't be like: "Clean the entire house by wed." It would happen, but it would not be good. I would feel used, though it would most likely pass quickly. I just really enjoyed the feeling that you took the time to write me a small note. However insignificant it seems to you, regardless of content, means a lot to me.
Spike, you've made a lot of progress. I've opened my self, and felt exposed. Feeling that you'll do something that seems small to you, that would destroy me, has been a constant thought on my mind. Things run through my head, and most times i can't stop it. But I'm very glad I can finally start to relax. To let down my guard of "Oh, he'll mess up somehow.." and turn that into "Na. He won't. Hes not like that anymore." And I'm beginning to be proud to call you my Dom. "Spike McDowwll, he is my Dom, my Owner." It feels good.
Thank you for having the patience with me to see me through everything. I don't have much to give back, except my love and submission. Both I give freely.
You said "I was expecting you to ask me that a while ago...". I felt read. Like you anticipated me, and I enjoyed it. I felt like I was yours. Spike, you truly are making headway. A lot of it.
I'm Sorry I held so much back from you. I realize now that it prevented a LOT of development, and that I held so much expectation from you. I expected you to KNOW me, without me opening up. I had expected you to learn without being shown what, how, and when. For that, I'm sorry. I really am. I've thought about it for a while now, and I realize just how much I was holding back, and not letting anything progress forwards. How much I was hampering your efforts. Maybe Mich was right on one aspect of me, that I was acting too high and mighty to realize any of that. Of that, I apologize with every fiber of my being.
The note you left the other day, I loved it. Just a small little reminder. I may not have needed it, but still. I loved it. It told me "I want to make him smile today, cause i know he is worried about the walk-through." The way it was signed, it made me...its almost unexplainable. "You're mine. I am your Dom. Master." And it made the reminder like a "if you haven't thought of doing this, please do so." order type of thing. I can't ignore those types of things. Something in me tells me to make sure it happens. I can not ignore a direct command. it WILL get done. Now, don't be like: "Clean the entire house by wed." It would happen, but it would not be good. I would feel used, though it would most likely pass quickly. I just really enjoyed the feeling that you took the time to write me a small note. However insignificant it seems to you, regardless of content, means a lot to me.
Spike, you've made a lot of progress. I've opened my self, and felt exposed. Feeling that you'll do something that seems small to you, that would destroy me, has been a constant thought on my mind. Things run through my head, and most times i can't stop it. But I'm very glad I can finally start to relax. To let down my guard of "Oh, he'll mess up somehow.." and turn that into "Na. He won't. Hes not like that anymore." And I'm beginning to be proud to call you my Dom. "Spike McDowwll, he is my Dom, my Owner." It feels good.
Thank you for having the patience with me to see me through everything. I don't have much to give back, except my love and submission. Both I give freely.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
A special gift...
I got a gift, from a good friend of mine. A little back story here. This friend, went on a cruise. He had stated that he was gonna bring back souvenirs, which he really didn't have to. He finally came back, after being gone for like nine days. He told me he got everyone something, and, as always, my inner child came out. I WANTED to bounce and go "Whatisit? *bouncebouncebounce*", but I didn't. I waited patiently while he got acclimated, and idly mentioned it, and how i was curious on what he got me. So, I went up to his room to find out.
See, I've been wanting a K-BAR for a long time. A brand new one is $90, so I was saving up for it. He had a sheathed knife in his hand, and it was a K-BAR. This one is special though. This one, that he was holding, saved his life, and another soldiers life. It has been used. It is very special to him. I almost didn't accept it, because of this. Because it was special to him. But he mentioned it brought back bad memories. I don't like when people have bad memories remembered, and I didn't want to dishonor him by refusing. So I accepted it.
It means a whole lot for that knife to be given to me by him. To have such a special object be handed to me, regardless of the bad memories. I swore to him it wasn't leaving my possession for the rest of my life. And it is not.
Thank you, for passing it on to me. It means a great deal to me.
See, I've been wanting a K-BAR for a long time. A brand new one is $90, so I was saving up for it. He had a sheathed knife in his hand, and it was a K-BAR. This one is special though. This one, that he was holding, saved his life, and another soldiers life. It has been used. It is very special to him. I almost didn't accept it, because of this. Because it was special to him. But he mentioned it brought back bad memories. I don't like when people have bad memories remembered, and I didn't want to dishonor him by refusing. So I accepted it.
It means a whole lot for that knife to be given to me by him. To have such a special object be handed to me, regardless of the bad memories. I swore to him it wasn't leaving my possession for the rest of my life. And it is not.
Thank you, for passing it on to me. It means a great deal to me.
Monday, April 22, 2013
A fear....
Since I've become this new...person?...No. Opened up more, I've exposed myself a lot. That shell of coolness, of nothing bothering me. Layer of protection I've kept in place for a long time, I had to let it down, as it was also holding things in. My insecurities, the "Am I good enough?" type of questions. The thought of the two most important people playing with others, scares me. It rakes claws over my insecurities. The thought makes me feel inadaquate. It makes me real jealous, like this other person has something to offer I can't give. No, I'm not a 120lb twinkboi, like I used to be. I can change that if absolutely necessary. I'm not that cute 16 year old in my yearbook anymore. I wear glasses, contacts when I can. My teeth suck, so I don't smile a lot. I'm sorry if all of this makes you want to play with others. To seek that twink butt somewhere else. The firm perfectly round butt I had a long time ago. I will do my best to bring it back. But please don't cast me aside, for those reasons. Its how I felt when you did go play with others.
I don't want to sound whiny, or needy. I definitely don't want to sound insecure. I've thought about this for a couple of weeks, so I don't sound so clingy, or needy. Or "I'm chaining you to us." type of thing. But there is no way around that I don't think. Even though its gonna sound needy, I truly don't mean it. I want to ask if you to promise your now two subs to not play with anyone else unless they are a true potential mate. If you were to do that now, even if you had, and I learned about it much later, it would hurt a lot. A lot of trust would be lost.
I tend to go up after you go to bed, and see if you're sleeping, or humping Draggie. Just to sate my own insecurity. You've told me you were going to bed before, and ended up humping Draggie. Then going to bed. If I were to ever walk in, or see you doing such, especially after the past couple of weeks, I honestly don't know how I would react. I truly don't. I do know I'd be devastated beyond anything that has happened to me in my life. If you were to find a potential mate, and say "Hey...I really like this person. A lot. I would like you guys to meet them." and then play with them at some point, as long as it wasn't hidden like it was with Draggie, while I would still feel a little insecure, I would hold that back so you can develop that relationship into something. If they were some twink you just met, it would be tons harder for me to handle. Non twink, not so hard. If you fell for a woman, not hard at all.
To that question, of your promise, your response was this: "I would do that for both of you." It made me cry. To finally be that important to someone, to feel wanted enough for them to say such. One of the happier days of my Life. It felt good to be that close to someone, to mean that much to them. And most of all, to you. I Love you.
I woke up this morning in a panic. I didn't feel you in the house, so I had thought you were gone. I thought of all possibilities, and then I realized you were at work. I felt safe. "Oh. Hes at work. Ok. *smile and fall back asleep*" This is how attached I am to you. How much I care. How much, I've realized, I need this in my life. I've been looking for this for a long time. Yes, you're new at it. Everyone was a newbie at one point in time. Even me. Waking up this morning not knowing where you were, as I didn't see you in your bed, scared the hell out of me. No, i didn't get out of bed and run upstairs. Though I was tempted to. A lot.
I don't want to sound whiny, or needy. I definitely don't want to sound insecure. I've thought about this for a couple of weeks, so I don't sound so clingy, or needy. Or "I'm chaining you to us." type of thing. But there is no way around that I don't think. Even though its gonna sound needy, I truly don't mean it. I want to ask if you to promise your now two subs to not play with anyone else unless they are a true potential mate. If you were to do that now, even if you had, and I learned about it much later, it would hurt a lot. A lot of trust would be lost.
I tend to go up after you go to bed, and see if you're sleeping, or humping Draggie. Just to sate my own insecurity. You've told me you were going to bed before, and ended up humping Draggie. Then going to bed. If I were to ever walk in, or see you doing such, especially after the past couple of weeks, I honestly don't know how I would react. I truly don't. I do know I'd be devastated beyond anything that has happened to me in my life. If you were to find a potential mate, and say "Hey...I really like this person. A lot. I would like you guys to meet them." and then play with them at some point, as long as it wasn't hidden like it was with Draggie, while I would still feel a little insecure, I would hold that back so you can develop that relationship into something. If they were some twink you just met, it would be tons harder for me to handle. Non twink, not so hard. If you fell for a woman, not hard at all.
To that question, of your promise, your response was this: "I would do that for both of you." It made me cry. To finally be that important to someone, to feel wanted enough for them to say such. One of the happier days of my Life. It felt good to be that close to someone, to mean that much to them. And most of all, to you. I Love you.
I woke up this morning in a panic. I didn't feel you in the house, so I had thought you were gone. I thought of all possibilities, and then I realized you were at work. I felt safe. "Oh. Hes at work. Ok. *smile and fall back asleep*" This is how attached I am to you. How much I care. How much, I've realized, I need this in my life. I've been looking for this for a long time. Yes, you're new at it. Everyone was a newbie at one point in time. Even me. Waking up this morning not knowing where you were, as I didn't see you in your bed, scared the hell out of me. No, i didn't get out of bed and run upstairs. Though I was tempted to. A lot.
Friday, April 12, 2013
A letter of ... Intent?...of Me.
For a small while now, I've been exposed to my owner, Spike. I've opened fully to Him, and in by doing so, I hope to further the relationship we have going. I realized I wasn't opening enough to him, due to my instinct to protect myself, from all sorts of things, like broken hearts, disappointment, and related emotions. I've got a history of not dealing with those things, to the point, as my psychologist once said: "You have a near phobia fear of dealing with difficult emotions." So I opened myself completely, and it took quite a bit for that shell to crack. I'm opened that crack, and took a piece out of that egg shell, and hopefully that shell can come down, and I can show him what true submission, in my eyes, is.
This list of questions is the beginning of that teardown.
Tell me about yourself.
My name is Ghost Tiger. That has been shortened to Ghostie, and then Ghotieboi. I'm 33 years old, and I enjoy lots of things. I can be perfectly self sustainable if required. I've got a lot in my past that will need wading through. A couple of people who have helped me is Charles, my boyfriend, and Spike, the one who has me collared. I'm capable of a level of submission not seen anymore, to my knowledge. I want to show Him what it is like, and hopefully open his eyes, and his mind, to this level.
What do you mean when you ask me to dominate you?
I want you to have the final decision in almost every aspect of my waking life. From wearing cock cages, to the way I dress, my actions of what I do in my free time. How to address you, make your life easier. I also want to be held, petted. Should I stand up when you come downstairs, or wherever I'm sitting? Give my seat to you? Of course, only when I'm not working. Drive you places, be it in your car, or mine? Make your calls, or if you don't want to talk to someone any longer, should I intervene? These are the things that appeal to me, and I would love to put this into practice.
When you ask that I dominate you, what are you proposing?
Take control. If you don't like what I'm wearing, have me change into something you want to see. If I don't have that item, I will make sure to get it when I can. My hair? want it blue, just tell me, and I will make it happen. If there is something you want me to do, tell me to. if I don't, punish me somehow. Also, be there when I am down. If you notice me not being myself, don't ask me if I'm ok, I will simply say yes. Tell me you know I'm distressed, then proceed to find out whats going on. Be it thoughts of my Mother, or something at work. If I'm pushed, I will tell you.
What are you offering me? Service? What sort of service? Casual S&M play? A relationship?
I'm offering you Me. Service, a relationship of a Master and his sub boi. The connections that can be made, felt, seen. You've got my loyalty already. If there was some reason you came into bodily harm, and I was there, they wouldn't be able to get to you. I would protect you. Me being stronger doesn't have to be a set back. Advice? I've got a lot. Wisdom? I've been told I'm extremely insightful. I don't have a lot of material to offer. I do have a lot of heart though. Passion.
What sort of relationship would you like this to be? Monogamous and sexual? Strictly play? Strictly service? 24/7?
24/7 service. If I'm not at work, I want to be yours. Yes, there will be times I want to do my own thing. I don't want to sit there at your feet, and wait on you hand and foot. I don't want to actively wait in your room while you're playing games, or watching something on TV. Out in the stores, or errands, take control. Want me walking behind you? Tell me. I want this connection we have to grow. I feel in my heart that we are headed there since Draggie came. You're right. He was a huge catalyst for this. If not for him, we wouldn't be at this point.
How experienced are you?
Online only, up until you collared me in real life. My online experience, I've been told I'm a dying type of person. That I'm a True Submissive. I don't submit or serve because i was taught. I don't submit because I am told to, nor because it is expected of me. I serve and Submit because I love, and respect my Master.
What hasn't worked for you as much?
Lying and deceit. Hiding things, because you may think it might hurt me. Keeping things hidden hurt me more than simply telling me the truth.
Tell me one of your fantasies.
To be truly taken by my Master. Made helpless, and then taken, and while being taken, calling you Master. Being the only one, or one of two, that you do take.
If we play, how will you react? Will you laugh? Will you cry? Will you get quiet? Will you seem angry?
I get quiet when I'm being taken. I may moan quietly, but it will be rather quiet. I may begin to quietly ask you to cum inside of me. I will also quietly call you Master when I do so.
What are your limits?
No physical violence. No emotional abuse (calling me names, and being serious). Nothing that is an offshoot of these things. Calling me Sub, Pet, or anything like that is ok.
These things are what I think would make things more exciting for both of us, and develop a deeper connection. I know you're a rather sexual person, and I'm trying to get up there so you don't have to look elsewhere for it. I do feel, after the other night, and after everything that has happened since, you did go somewhere else, that I would be destroyed. I'd be extremely hurt. After the blogs, and me coming out of the shell I made myself, and making myself appealing to you enough to ask me to present myself, I'd get real hurt if you did go to someone who wasn't your boy/girl friend. I've set everything out now. *hug*
This list of questions is the beginning of that teardown.
Tell me about yourself.
My name is Ghost Tiger. That has been shortened to Ghostie, and then Ghotieboi. I'm 33 years old, and I enjoy lots of things. I can be perfectly self sustainable if required. I've got a lot in my past that will need wading through. A couple of people who have helped me is Charles, my boyfriend, and Spike, the one who has me collared. I'm capable of a level of submission not seen anymore, to my knowledge. I want to show Him what it is like, and hopefully open his eyes, and his mind, to this level.
What do you mean when you ask me to dominate you?
I want you to have the final decision in almost every aspect of my waking life. From wearing cock cages, to the way I dress, my actions of what I do in my free time. How to address you, make your life easier. I also want to be held, petted. Should I stand up when you come downstairs, or wherever I'm sitting? Give my seat to you? Of course, only when I'm not working. Drive you places, be it in your car, or mine? Make your calls, or if you don't want to talk to someone any longer, should I intervene? These are the things that appeal to me, and I would love to put this into practice.
When you ask that I dominate you, what are you proposing?
Take control. If you don't like what I'm wearing, have me change into something you want to see. If I don't have that item, I will make sure to get it when I can. My hair? want it blue, just tell me, and I will make it happen. If there is something you want me to do, tell me to. if I don't, punish me somehow. Also, be there when I am down. If you notice me not being myself, don't ask me if I'm ok, I will simply say yes. Tell me you know I'm distressed, then proceed to find out whats going on. Be it thoughts of my Mother, or something at work. If I'm pushed, I will tell you.
What are you offering me? Service? What sort of service? Casual S&M play? A relationship?
I'm offering you Me. Service, a relationship of a Master and his sub boi. The connections that can be made, felt, seen. You've got my loyalty already. If there was some reason you came into bodily harm, and I was there, they wouldn't be able to get to you. I would protect you. Me being stronger doesn't have to be a set back. Advice? I've got a lot. Wisdom? I've been told I'm extremely insightful. I don't have a lot of material to offer. I do have a lot of heart though. Passion.
What sort of relationship would you like this to be? Monogamous and sexual? Strictly play? Strictly service? 24/7?
24/7 service. If I'm not at work, I want to be yours. Yes, there will be times I want to do my own thing. I don't want to sit there at your feet, and wait on you hand and foot. I don't want to actively wait in your room while you're playing games, or watching something on TV. Out in the stores, or errands, take control. Want me walking behind you? Tell me. I want this connection we have to grow. I feel in my heart that we are headed there since Draggie came. You're right. He was a huge catalyst for this. If not for him, we wouldn't be at this point.
How experienced are you?
Online only, up until you collared me in real life. My online experience, I've been told I'm a dying type of person. That I'm a True Submissive. I don't submit or serve because i was taught. I don't submit because I am told to, nor because it is expected of me. I serve and Submit because I love, and respect my Master.
What hasn't worked for you as much?
Lying and deceit. Hiding things, because you may think it might hurt me. Keeping things hidden hurt me more than simply telling me the truth.
Tell me one of your fantasies.
To be truly taken by my Master. Made helpless, and then taken, and while being taken, calling you Master. Being the only one, or one of two, that you do take.
If we play, how will you react? Will you laugh? Will you cry? Will you get quiet? Will you seem angry?
I get quiet when I'm being taken. I may moan quietly, but it will be rather quiet. I may begin to quietly ask you to cum inside of me. I will also quietly call you Master when I do so.
What are your limits?
No physical violence. No emotional abuse (calling me names, and being serious). Nothing that is an offshoot of these things. Calling me Sub, Pet, or anything like that is ok.
These things are what I think would make things more exciting for both of us, and develop a deeper connection. I know you're a rather sexual person, and I'm trying to get up there so you don't have to look elsewhere for it. I do feel, after the other night, and after everything that has happened since, you did go somewhere else, that I would be destroyed. I'd be extremely hurt. After the blogs, and me coming out of the shell I made myself, and making myself appealing to you enough to ask me to present myself, I'd get real hurt if you did go to someone who wasn't your boy/girl friend. I've set everything out now. *hug*
Thursday, April 4, 2013
I won't give up...
The other day, on the 19th of March to be exact, was the one year anniversary. I posted about that last time. I wanted to get Him something. I had no idea what to do. Since then, after pondering it for a while, I have figured out what to give Spike. Its nothing physical, unless its the collar around my neck. It is a link to, what I think, is a beautiful song. Saying things I choke up when wanting to say, even if its typed. So, Spike, here is my anniversary gift to you.
I won't Give Up
Spike please listen to this. the past week has been tough for me, with all of my little thoughts running in my head. When I learned that you and Draggie played, then were what I thought was playing, I got hurt. I didn't see if you were clothed when I went up there to let you know we were going to Wal-Mart. I just assumed you were playing again. I still think you were, as I can't get that out of my head. After coming home, and sitting here, I was getting angry, and I almost took it out on Wuffs. So I left to go driving. I played this song over and over, as I cried. My mind was a mess. It was so jumbled, and for once I couldn't form a single thought. I love you a lot. You've done things for me only others had said they would do. You actually did them.
I'm not going to give up. I want to be your sub. I know I already am. When we were talking earlier today, I was honest. Those things I said, they would happen. I don't know why. You should have a mate. You should be able to love another person, as your last Love left prematurely. (R.I.P.) There are times where I feel that urge, to just stop whatever it is I'm doing and just sit in your lap, like that one night. Gods that was awesome. Gently being petted, outstanding.
The picture you had made for me, made me cry. Yes, in a good way. I saw it that first time, tears welled in my eyes instantly. Like, right away. I was touched so deep in my heart. That picture captured everything. I love it, and it will be getting printed and framed. It will be one of the closest possessions I have. Thank you. I wish I had something to give in return, except a link to a song.
My biggest fear, lately, is that I will be tossed aside for something, or someone new and shiny. Its happened to me, through Ezekieal. It crushed me then, I don't know what it would do to me now, if that happened. Its why I got/get scared sometimes (most times) when you go off with people, at a friends place, Draggie, or with others in Second Life. No. I'm not saying this to make you stop. I just want you to know how I feel. This is the best way I can. Like you said to me the other day, this is hard for me. I want you to have a mate. I do. If it is Draggie, I don't know what I would do. Mich wasn't such a big deal, but I dunno why Draggie is. Maybe its the fear of losing that place in your heart. I've not been in a lot of peoples hearts, and it feels good. I don't want to lose that. I'm more afraid of losing that spot, than you are scared of me leaving. I wouldn't leave, ever, unless I felt pushed away, replaced. Like Batty said, I'm more attached to you than I ever thought.
Want you in my life...
I won't Give Up
Spike please listen to this. the past week has been tough for me, with all of my little thoughts running in my head. When I learned that you and Draggie played, then were what I thought was playing, I got hurt. I didn't see if you were clothed when I went up there to let you know we were going to Wal-Mart. I just assumed you were playing again. I still think you were, as I can't get that out of my head. After coming home, and sitting here, I was getting angry, and I almost took it out on Wuffs. So I left to go driving. I played this song over and over, as I cried. My mind was a mess. It was so jumbled, and for once I couldn't form a single thought. I love you a lot. You've done things for me only others had said they would do. You actually did them.
I'm not going to give up. I want to be your sub. I know I already am. When we were talking earlier today, I was honest. Those things I said, they would happen. I don't know why. You should have a mate. You should be able to love another person, as your last Love left prematurely. (R.I.P.) There are times where I feel that urge, to just stop whatever it is I'm doing and just sit in your lap, like that one night. Gods that was awesome. Gently being petted, outstanding.
The picture you had made for me, made me cry. Yes, in a good way. I saw it that first time, tears welled in my eyes instantly. Like, right away. I was touched so deep in my heart. That picture captured everything. I love it, and it will be getting printed and framed. It will be one of the closest possessions I have. Thank you. I wish I had something to give in return, except a link to a song.
My biggest fear, lately, is that I will be tossed aside for something, or someone new and shiny. Its happened to me, through Ezekieal. It crushed me then, I don't know what it would do to me now, if that happened. Its why I got/get scared sometimes (most times) when you go off with people, at a friends place, Draggie, or with others in Second Life. No. I'm not saying this to make you stop. I just want you to know how I feel. This is the best way I can. Like you said to me the other day, this is hard for me. I want you to have a mate. I do. If it is Draggie, I don't know what I would do. Mich wasn't such a big deal, but I dunno why Draggie is. Maybe its the fear of losing that place in your heart. I've not been in a lot of peoples hearts, and it feels good. I don't want to lose that. I'm more afraid of losing that spot, than you are scared of me leaving. I wouldn't leave, ever, unless I felt pushed away, replaced. Like Batty said, I'm more attached to you than I ever thought.
Want you in my life...
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Anniversary....
A single year has passed. 365 days. That amount of time has passed since I received a collar I designed myself. For my Dom, Spike. *giggles* No, not gonna tell you his real name. Its actually been longer than a year. About a year and a half. But when I got my collar and put it on, he brought down a tag, completely surprising me. "Ghostie, owned by Spike. 3/19/2012". Caught me off guard. Wasn't expecting that. for the next couple of months, I tried hard to be a good sub. Did the dishes, and got him lunch and dinner sometimes. All while trying to find a job. Interviews happened, didn't work. But he told me that everything will work out. Will be ok. Which affected me more than I let show. When it came down to moving, my boyfriend came down to help. Which was cool. But we never got back to the spot where we used to be. A routine. Maybe that was a good thing. I have a job now, which is a good thing. Unable to really do a routine at home when you work as well.
I just wish we could get back to that. It was comfy. Instead, my boyfriend stayed. Which is fine. I'm glad he did. But he can be so negative sometimes. He is such a bully sometimes. He gets so jealous. So...scared. He thinks that he will lose me or something. He reads over my shoulder. He gets jealous over the small things, can't stand to leave me alone. I've told him a few times I'm not going anywhere. That I'm not cheating on him. I'm not a very sexual person, so I don't go off in SL and do anything.
My Dom tries to be the best he can be. Sometimes that doesn't work, which is fine. He finally talked to a friend of mine, Elly. Knows me better than i know myself. He finally broke down and asked for a little insight to how I am. He got some, and since, it has been a lot better. He's had to fight with someone who is negative most of the time. Not to mention his own mate who turned out to be a total douche. Constantly put his own mate down, making him feel small, always one upping everyone, or trying to. But he is trying. Spike is trying hard, though he does still have a lot to learn.
A lot has changed since I got that tag. Some for bad, some for good. For example, he has finally learned, or realized, that I like to be gently petted. That I don't really need a collar to be a Sub. That I say a lot, without saying anything. Hes trying to grasp that last part, and figure it out. But he is TRYING.
Love you Spike. As my Dom. You came out to Nevada, and saved me from the streets. I don't have much to offer you, except me being your Sub, and what I can help you learn.
I just wish we could get back to that. It was comfy. Instead, my boyfriend stayed. Which is fine. I'm glad he did. But he can be so negative sometimes. He is such a bully sometimes. He gets so jealous. So...scared. He thinks that he will lose me or something. He reads over my shoulder. He gets jealous over the small things, can't stand to leave me alone. I've told him a few times I'm not going anywhere. That I'm not cheating on him. I'm not a very sexual person, so I don't go off in SL and do anything.
My Dom tries to be the best he can be. Sometimes that doesn't work, which is fine. He finally talked to a friend of mine, Elly. Knows me better than i know myself. He finally broke down and asked for a little insight to how I am. He got some, and since, it has been a lot better. He's had to fight with someone who is negative most of the time. Not to mention his own mate who turned out to be a total douche. Constantly put his own mate down, making him feel small, always one upping everyone, or trying to. But he is trying. Spike is trying hard, though he does still have a lot to learn.
A lot has changed since I got that tag. Some for bad, some for good. For example, he has finally learned, or realized, that I like to be gently petted. That I don't really need a collar to be a Sub. That I say a lot, without saying anything. Hes trying to grasp that last part, and figure it out. But he is TRYING.
Love you Spike. As my Dom. You came out to Nevada, and saved me from the streets. I don't have much to offer you, except me being your Sub, and what I can help you learn.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Febuary 22nd, 2012
On that date, in the title of this blog post, at 10:30ish am, I had to put my mother in a car. The legal guardian came to my house, and stated that it was time. My mom, listening to Yanni on my PS3, didn't really know what was going on. She continued to dance and whatnot, until i turned down the TV. She looked at me, and asked why I was doing that. Before I could answer, she went and got a cup of coffee. She made it up, and i looked at the guardian. She saw the pain in my eyes, but I covered it up with a smile as my mom came over. She smiled too, and we danced for a minute while the guardian took her luggage with clothes and some books to her car. I hugged my mother, and took her slowly down to the car. She didn't realize what was going on, until she was getting into it, and she started crying. The last image of that day, was of my mother crying, while the guardian drove slowly away. To this day, I've only cried once about it, and that was after it happened. This past Friday, I remembered what that day was, and how one year ago, my mother went into a home. I don't know how to deal with it.
How should I? The state took my mother away from me. She was happy where she was, cause she had Yanni, and a familiar face. I was doing my hardest to take care of her, and it was working. Even her workers noticed. Even the guardian stated that she seems to be perfectly happy with me. And yet, she was still moved.
When i went back to Nevada in April of 2012, and visited her, every time I left, she cried. Even though I was telling her I was going to the bathroom, she knew I wasn't. She wanted to go home. The last time I saw her, she was at the window at the end of a short hallway, banging on it, sobbing, because she didn't want to be there. She KNEW where she was, even if her mind was deteriorating. Even when I dropped her off at the place the first time and she slapped me, before all of that happened, I died a little inside. I felt so helpless, and so alone. Even though I had friends in Second Life. Even a boyfriend. I still felt very alone. No one was around to tell me "Everything will be ok." and mean it. I know my friends in Second Life did. And they did it often. But it is a lot better taken to heart when its done face to face. They all meant well, but they still weren't there in person to say it.
I'm losing my mother to Alzheimer's Disease. She didn't recognize her oldest daughter, but she did recognize her daughters friend. Every time I call her, she asks if she can go home. She doesn't understand that I no longer live in the state...
1 year, 3 days, 3hrs, 30min ago, my mom went into a home. I still feel damned helpless, that I can come up with ways to keep the house above ground. All bills getting paid, food, and all that. Yet, I can't help my mom against this disease. I wish I was able to. Even if she was still small and slightly hunched, if she still at her wits about her, I wouldn't care. But theres nothing I'm able to do about it.
I wish I could show her my fur suit. I want to show her that fuzzy Siamese cat that I have become. I wonder what she would do. Would she tilt her head and ask "What the fuck?" or would she come over and hug me? Maybe, she would dance with me, like we used to do way back when. I want to show her, but I can not, because i don't have the funds to get out there. I wish I did. I'd love to show her, and the rest. But that will have to wait for another time I guess. I just wish I could help her.
Maybe I will go show the rest of Colorado Springs my fur suit. Maybe this weekend if it is nice. I do want to get pictures of me in it, to send to my sister Meghan to show my mom. So hopefully, I can do that before the week is out.
Sorry mom, I can't help you. :(
How should I? The state took my mother away from me. She was happy where she was, cause she had Yanni, and a familiar face. I was doing my hardest to take care of her, and it was working. Even her workers noticed. Even the guardian stated that she seems to be perfectly happy with me. And yet, she was still moved.
When i went back to Nevada in April of 2012, and visited her, every time I left, she cried. Even though I was telling her I was going to the bathroom, she knew I wasn't. She wanted to go home. The last time I saw her, she was at the window at the end of a short hallway, banging on it, sobbing, because she didn't want to be there. She KNEW where she was, even if her mind was deteriorating. Even when I dropped her off at the place the first time and she slapped me, before all of that happened, I died a little inside. I felt so helpless, and so alone. Even though I had friends in Second Life. Even a boyfriend. I still felt very alone. No one was around to tell me "Everything will be ok." and mean it. I know my friends in Second Life did. And they did it often. But it is a lot better taken to heart when its done face to face. They all meant well, but they still weren't there in person to say it.
I'm losing my mother to Alzheimer's Disease. She didn't recognize her oldest daughter, but she did recognize her daughters friend. Every time I call her, she asks if she can go home. She doesn't understand that I no longer live in the state...
1 year, 3 days, 3hrs, 30min ago, my mom went into a home. I still feel damned helpless, that I can come up with ways to keep the house above ground. All bills getting paid, food, and all that. Yet, I can't help my mom against this disease. I wish I was able to. Even if she was still small and slightly hunched, if she still at her wits about her, I wouldn't care. But theres nothing I'm able to do about it.
I wish I could show her my fur suit. I want to show her that fuzzy Siamese cat that I have become. I wonder what she would do. Would she tilt her head and ask "What the fuck?" or would she come over and hug me? Maybe, she would dance with me, like we used to do way back when. I want to show her, but I can not, because i don't have the funds to get out there. I wish I did. I'd love to show her, and the rest. But that will have to wait for another time I guess. I just wish I could help her.
Maybe I will go show the rest of Colorado Springs my fur suit. Maybe this weekend if it is nice. I do want to get pictures of me in it, to send to my sister Meghan to show my mom. So hopefully, I can do that before the week is out.
Sorry mom, I can't help you. :(
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Destiny
I had a conversation with my dad recently. I asked him why I've had two distinct dreams of me being an angel. I asked him why he named me Matthew, which means "Gift of God" in hebrew.
I told him this: "I've been through hell up until...well...I moved out here to Colorado. Molested, raped, picked on by everyone, homeless, jobless, brought to the brink of insanity, and ultimately, leaving this place. My mom is losing her mind, which will cause my floodgate holding everything in check to break once her mind does go. How can an angel be born from all of that strife, pain, suffering?"
My dads reply: "The reason that all that took place is because for a person to now which way is up that person has to know where to start from . And that is the bottom. Also for a person to know how to help one has to have been there. "Walk a mile in my shoes." Or that person would not be sympathetic towards a person that is in dire need of help or what kind of help to give. I've been there so I know what you need. For you to be an Angle you have had to go through a lot in order to know which way to go. :)"
I then told him it seems I am one. I truly am one. I love helping people. I've been there. I've helped people, whether or not I got repaid for it.
He told me I am now starting to understand where he has come from:
I told him this: "I've been through hell up until...well...I moved out here to Colorado. Molested, raped, picked on by everyone, homeless, jobless, brought to the brink of insanity, and ultimately, leaving this place. My mom is losing her mind, which will cause my floodgate holding everything in check to break once her mind does go. How can an angel be born from all of that strife, pain, suffering?"
My dads reply: "The reason that all that took place is because for a person to now which way is up that person has to know where to start from . And that is the bottom. Also for a person to know how to help one has to have been there. "Walk a mile in my shoes." Or that person would not be sympathetic towards a person that is in dire need of help or what kind of help to give. I've been there so I know what you need. For you to be an Angle you have had to go through a lot in order to know which way to go. :)"
I then told him it seems I am one. I truly am one. I love helping people. I've been there. I've helped people, whether or not I got repaid for it.
He told me I am now starting to understand where he has come from:
"Now you will star understanding why I have said for a long time " I am not
from here." And now you will realize the truth behind it.
You are now coming into the age of understanding."
My reply:
"Sometimes
I hate understanding. I hate being psychic, and being able to read
people sometimes. I read them like open books. Other times, I don't
mind, but theres days where I wish someone would read me, like I read
them. Then tell someone whats going on."
It gets tiresome sometimes. So tiring. I want someone to be able to read me, have someone ask that person what is wrong with me, then they know. Just be sitting there, or somewhere, and...I dunno....pleh...
I also asked him if I'm going to be remembered when I go, and leave. Its another thing I'm scared of. That when I pass, I won't be remembered. I do many nice things for people, and I'm afraid that I won't be remembered as the one who did it. I don't care if I'm repayed or not. I don't even mind if I'm not thanked. That doesn't bother me. Its the fact that I may not have made much of an impact on that persons life. Maybe its me. I dunno.
Maybe being an angel is my destiny. Maybe I'm supposed to have gone through hell, dragged through hell, and then back up, just to help people. Maybe to those I help, I am that angel. My dad said I had to have been there to know how to help people. I must be in line for helping a lot, cause I went through a lot. Any other person that I know, personally, would have committed suicide after all of that. Though sometimes, I don't feel like one.
Lately, Been really annoyed with little things. I actually was rather annoyed the other night, and when I went to the store, I was doing 75mph up the street I was using. No, wasn't a freeway, or anything. Just the main thouroughfare I was using. I went home, handed Spike his foods, then left and hit the freeway. Did upwards of 80 on it. Then I went to my friends house, and vented. Vented hard. Just stuff I shouldn't be annoyed at. People pick on Spike a lot. To the point of bullying. It gets annoying and irritating, especially when Spike doesn't deserve it. Not a single bit.
I have a new picture of my mother from my sister, who went to Nevada to see her. Shes in a wheelchair, and looks lost. She recognized her friend Binky, but not her own daughter. I just wish I was there to make sure shes ok, and that she knwos shes loved. I know Stacey won't be able to stay there. I feel it coming on...
The point where that Dam breeches, and everything is flooding out. Anger, pain, rage, sadness, hurt, loss. My mother is dying, masses on her lungs. Shes not gonna last the year. I know this....I just hope everyone I'm around is able to handle it, and me. And that if they can not, just let me be...
It gets tiresome sometimes. So tiring. I want someone to be able to read me, have someone ask that person what is wrong with me, then they know. Just be sitting there, or somewhere, and...I dunno....pleh...
I also asked him if I'm going to be remembered when I go, and leave. Its another thing I'm scared of. That when I pass, I won't be remembered. I do many nice things for people, and I'm afraid that I won't be remembered as the one who did it. I don't care if I'm repayed or not. I don't even mind if I'm not thanked. That doesn't bother me. Its the fact that I may not have made much of an impact on that persons life. Maybe its me. I dunno.
Maybe being an angel is my destiny. Maybe I'm supposed to have gone through hell, dragged through hell, and then back up, just to help people. Maybe to those I help, I am that angel. My dad said I had to have been there to know how to help people. I must be in line for helping a lot, cause I went through a lot. Any other person that I know, personally, would have committed suicide after all of that. Though sometimes, I don't feel like one.
Lately, Been really annoyed with little things. I actually was rather annoyed the other night, and when I went to the store, I was doing 75mph up the street I was using. No, wasn't a freeway, or anything. Just the main thouroughfare I was using. I went home, handed Spike his foods, then left and hit the freeway. Did upwards of 80 on it. Then I went to my friends house, and vented. Vented hard. Just stuff I shouldn't be annoyed at. People pick on Spike a lot. To the point of bullying. It gets annoying and irritating, especially when Spike doesn't deserve it. Not a single bit.
I have a new picture of my mother from my sister, who went to Nevada to see her. Shes in a wheelchair, and looks lost. She recognized her friend Binky, but not her own daughter. I just wish I was there to make sure shes ok, and that she knwos shes loved. I know Stacey won't be able to stay there. I feel it coming on...
The point where that Dam breeches, and everything is flooding out. Anger, pain, rage, sadness, hurt, loss. My mother is dying, masses on her lungs. Shes not gonna last the year. I know this....I just hope everyone I'm around is able to handle it, and me. And that if they can not, just let me be...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)